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  1. #1
    boozl is offline Junior Member
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    A question to a teacher.

    Teacher,
    Could you please help me with my effort to overcome a problem that I regularly experience? Late on Friday afternoon I needed to write a brief and concise email to a Company Director, declining a conference call invitation to a Monday morning production meeting that I had previously accepted from him. All I had to do was condense four facts into one paragraph or one sentence if possible. Simple enough it would seem but I found it very difficult and it took me 45 minutes.


    The four pieces of information are:

    1- I was unable to attend due to a meeting with a client on site. A meeting such as this would always take preference so I was not overly concerned by this and no detailed explanation was required.
    2- I had spoken with the workshop manager (Bill) earlier and given him all the information he required.
    3- I had also spoken to a fellow contracts manager (Gary) to tell him that I would not be attending.
    4- I will have my mobile telephone with me on Monday morning.

    Note - The purpose of these meetings are to discuss manufacturing priorities and try to achieve specific delivery dates to suit each contracts managers needs during the following week.





    1- 1st draught
    Andy,
    Sorry for such late notice but I need to meet a client and will be unable to attend Monday morning’s production meeting via conference call. I have spoken with both Gary and Bill and made them aware of my requirements for the week. The delivery dates I have requested seem achievable but I will have my mobile switched on silent and with me just in case you need my input.
    Have a good weekend
    Brian

    After reading my 1st draught it appears too long winded - about 70 words- so I try to get rid of unnecessary words. Is this correct?

    Andy,
    Sorry for such late notice but I need to meet a client and will be unable to attend Monday’s meeting via conference call. I have spoken with both Gary and Bill and made them aware of my requirements for the week. The delivery dates I have requested seem achievable but I will have my mobile switched on silent and with me just in case you need my input.
    Have a good weekend
    Brian


    By trimming the paragraph by around some 20 words, sentences have been re structured. Is this correct?


    My final effort;

    3- Andy,
    Sorry for the late notice but I need to meet a client and will be out of the office on Monday. Both Gary and Bill are aware of my requirements but if you need to contact me, my mobile will be on and in silent mode.

    Have a good weekend
    Brian





    Can anybody offer an opinion that could help me because I’m determined to overcome my disability that remains a secret to many people.

    Thanks for your help

    Boozl
    Last edited by boozl; 11-Apr-2011 at 09:13.

  2. #2
    proofreadingwebsites is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
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      • English
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    Re: A question to a teacher.

    Boozl,
    Relax and try not to deliberate over insignificant details! I think that all of the versions you provided are acceptable, but if brevity is your primary concern then the last will serve you well.

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