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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Please, would you proofread my poem RIDERS ON THE STORM.

    Riders on the Storm

    I am twenty-two years old.
    A refugee fleeing from bad luck.
    My application for asylum has been refused.
    They can throw me out of the country anytime
    and give me a chance to taste a Communist prison camp.

    It is a calm and starry summer night somewhere in Germany,
    All windows open.
    On the other side of the road, in a shabby little house,
    live some outcasts and a brown mongrel dog.
    They are drinking, probably taking drugs, and listening
    Riders on the Storm.

    I wish I could join them and escape my loneliness,
    But I am timid and anxious like a helpless child.

    Jim Morrison’s plaintive voice and dreamy music float above me,
    Fading out and returning like the waves of a waste ocean.
    They make my heart vibrating like a tuning fork.

    Tonight I believe in a miracle.
    Something will stop the arrival of dawn.
    Last edited by Bassim; 10-Apr-2011 at 23:24.

  2. #2
    JMurray is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Bassim.
    You are not consistent about whether you start the next line after a comma with a capital or a lowercase letter. I have changed them to lowercase. The other changes probably speak for themselves. I'm OK with "anytime" here but there is an argument for "any time". I am not sure what you mean by "a waste ocean".. perhaps "a wasted ocean" would work better?

    Riders on the Storm

    I am twenty-two years old.
    A refugee fleeing from bad luck.
    My application for asylum has been refused.
    They can throw me out of the country anytime
    and give me a chance to taste a Communist prison camp.

    It is a calm and starry summer night somewhere in Germany,
    all windows open.
    On the other side of the road, in a shabby little house,
    live some outcasts and a brown mongrel dog.
    They are drinking, probably taking drugs, and listening
    to Riders on the Storm.

    I wish I could join them and escape my loneliness,
    but I am timid and anxious like a helpless child.

    Jim Morrison’s plaintive voice and dreamy music float above me,
    fading out and returning like the waves of a waste ocean.
    They make my heart vibrate like a tuning fork.

    Tonight I believe in a miracle.
    Something will stop the arrival of dawn.

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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      • Serbo-Croatian
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      • Bosnia Herzegovina
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    Default Re: Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Dear JMurray,

    Thank you very much for correcting my mistakes. Now I understand that I have made a mistake writing "waste" when I actually meant to write "a vast ocean."

    All the best,
    B.

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