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Thread: Social changes

  1. #1
    motico is offline Member
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    Default Social changes

    Please, check if the following passage is grammatically correct. Thanks

    In recent decades these countries have been experiencing a transition of population from rural areas to urban areas. In such a transition people move to the city either as individuals or a nuclear family. The individual separates from the familiar tribal frame in the rural areas or in the desert. While in the city, he or she joins thousands of individuals like him or her, who also live urban life, leaving behind them their traditional and tribal way of life. Some people join professional organizations or unions that protect their interests and promote them. Others join ideological or political organizations (such as socialist, democratic or religious). The characteristic feature of these organizations is that they are not based on family ties, which cannot be replaced, but on interests and ideology which certainly can be.
    Last edited by motico; 10-Apr-2011 at 21:34.

  2. #2
    Mr_Ben's Avatar
    Mr_Ben is offline Member
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    Default Re: Social changes

    Very nice! I only have two suggested changes and both are in this sentence:
    Quote Originally Posted by motico View Post
    While in the city, he or she joins thousands of individuals like him or her, who also live urban life, leaving behind them their traditional and tribal way of life.
    leaving behind them: them is unnecessary although not gramatically incorrect

    While in the city: I know you didn't request a vocabulary critique as well, but I think "Once" will be more effective here. It indicates that the changes begin at the moment the people are in the city as opposed to just some time during their time there.

  3. #3
    TheParser is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Social changes

    Quote Originally Posted by motico View Post
    Please, check if the following passage is grammatically correct. Thanks



    In recent decades these countries have been experiencing a transition of population from rural areas to urban areas. In such a transition people move to the city either as individuals or a nuclear family. The individual separates from the familiar tribal frame in the rural areas or in the desert. While in the city, he or she joins thousands of individuals like him or her, who also live urban life, leaving behind them their traditional and tribal way of life. Some people join professional organizations or unions that protect their interests and promote them. Others join ideological or political organizations (such as socialist, democratic or religious). The characteristic feature of these organizations is that they are not based on family ties, which cannot be replaced, but on interests and ideology which certainly can be.

    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****


    (1) As usual, you have done an excellent job.

    (2) I most respectfully suggest a few minor changes.

    (a) In recent decades, these .... (I prefer a comma. Many "modern"

    writers delete it.)

    (b) I think that repeating the word "transition" twice is "annoying." I would

    connect the first two sentences:

    ... urban areas, with people moving to the cities either as individuals or a

    nuclear family.

    (c) I would not repeat "individual." I would suggest:

    They are thus separated from their familiar tribal frame in the rural or

    desert areas.

    (d) Using "he or she"/ "him and her" can annoy many readers. I suggest:

    They join thousands of similar individuals now living an urban life,

    leaving behind their traditional and tribal ways.

    (e) ... unions that promote and protect their interests.

    (f) ...organizations (socialist, democratic, religious, etc.).

    (g) ... not based on family ties (which are irreplaceable), but on ....

  4. #4
    freezeframe is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Social changes

    Quote Originally Posted by TheParser View Post
    (b) I think that repeating the word "transition" twice is "annoying." I would

    connect the first two sentences:

    ... urban areas, with people moving to the cities either as individuals or a

    nuclear family.
    This is more acceptable in some kinds of writing. For example, if this is for a sociology class.

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