But, is this for TOEFL? If so, you need to review how to structure a TOEFL essay.
You should avoid grand generalizations (ex. It obvious that music as old as the human being in this world -- is it?) and hyperbolic statements. You should also review how to structure your introduction and conclusion -- you need to briefly outline in the introduction what you're going to say in your paragraphs.
All TOEFL questions end with "use specific examples". This means you need to give specific arguments. Part of what they're looking for is whether you can organize your ideas. Also, your arguments should be on point -- do they answer the actual question asked? How does your 3rd paragraph answer the question?