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    #1

    Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Please, would you proofread my poem "Recession."

    RECESSION

    How we made love time and again,

    drenched our bodies in passion,

    became drunk on desire.


    How we enjoyed travels to exotic places,

    candlelight dinners at smart restaurants,

    wine testing and dance until dawn.


    How the world was an interesting place

    and people friendly and nice,

    until the day when I was sacked.


    How you comforted me,

    standing beside all the time, like a fair maiden

    giving water to the wounded soldier.


    And how four months later

    you threw me out,

    yelling "I won't support a parasite!"

  1. RonBee's Avatar
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      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
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      • United States
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      • United States

    • Join Date: Feb 2003
    • Posts: 16,570
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    #2

    Re: Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Say:
    .
    wine tasting and dancing until dawn

    or

    drinking wine and dancing until dawn

    Say:
    .
    standing beside me....
    Great ending! (It leaves the reader's head spinning.)


    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden

    • Join Date: Mar 2008
    • Posts: 817
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    #3

    Re: Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Dear RonBee,
    Thank you very much for correcting my mistakes.

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