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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Please, would you proofread my poem The Dictionary.

    THE DICTIONARY


    From the attic of my neighbour’s house,
    we were watching villages burning in distance.
    The plumes of smoke rose high in the air,
    dissolving in the blue sky.
    The shells flew above our heads
    landing on the villages and causing carnage.
    A column of military vehicles was moving towards them,
    whirling up clouds of dust.

    “Poor people,” my neighbour sighed,
    “The men will be killed, their woman raped
    and their homes looted.”

    In the afternoon, the first refugees arrived,
    among them, three young sisters with deer eyes.
    One of my neighbours opened his home for them,
    others gave them what they had.
    My father went into our orchard, picked up some fruits:
    apples, pears, plums, raspberries and gave them to the sisters.

    Nobody dared to ask them what occurred some hours ago.
    Their eyes told us a tragic story the words cannot express.

    One day one of them knocked at my door,
    asking me to borrow my English dictionary.
    I looked at her big and frightened eyes
    and heard cries, explosions, gunshots,
    choking of men who had their throats cut.
    I did not want to separate from my dictionary,
    but I could not repulse her eyes.

    “Where are you going,” I asked.
    “I don’t know,” she answered,
    “The USA, Canada, Australia, far away from this hell.”
    A few days later, she left together with her sisters.
    My dictionary in her bag, her best friend for the coming months,
    Last edited by Bassim; 10-May-2011 at 21:12.

  2. #2
    freezeframe is offline Key Member
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    Re: Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Please, would you proofread my poem The Dictionary.

    THE DICTIONARY


    From the attic of my neighbour’s house,
    we were watching villages burning in distance.
    The plumes of smoke rose high in the air,
    dissolving in the blue sky.
    The shells flew above our heads
    landing on the villages and causing carnage.
    A column of military vehicles was moving towards them, Not clear who them are.
    whirling up clouds of dust.

    “Poor people,” my neighbour sighed,
    “The men will be killed, their women raped
    and their homes looted.”

    In the afternoon, the first refugees arrived,
    among them, three young sisters with deer eyes.
    One of my neighbours opened his home for them,
    others gave them what they had.
    My father went into our orchard, picked up some fruits:
    apples, pears, plums, raspberries and gave them to the sisters.

    Nobody dared to ask them what occurred some hours ago.
    Their eyes told us a tragic story the words cannot express.

    One day one of them knocked on my door,
    asking me to borrow my English dictionary.
    I looked at her big and frightened eyes
    and heard cries, explosions, gunshots,
    choking of men who had their throats cut.
    I did not want to separate from part with my dictionary,
    but I could not repulse her eyes. ?? what do you mean to say?

    “Where are you going,” I asked.
    “I don’t know,” she answered,
    “The USA, Canada, Australia, far away from this hell.”
    A few days later, she left together with her sisters.
    My dictionary in her bag, her best friend for the coming months.
    Have you considered writing this as a prose poem? It seems to me this could work as one. Of course, it's your artistic that matters so this is just a suggestion.

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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      • Student or Learner
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      • Serbo-Croatian
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      • Bosnia Herzegovina
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    Re: Please, would you proofread my poem.

    Hello freezeframe,

    Thank you again for correcting my mistakes.
    I have some question,
    In the verse, "A column of military vehicle moving towards them" , do I really need to write the villages? I think that it is clear from the previous verses that they are moving towards the villages, or do you think that I have to write the villages instead.

    The other verse, "but I could not repulse her eyes." I wanted to say I could not refuse her, and instead of her, I used words "her eyes". Please, tell me if you have better suggestion.

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