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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Please,would you proofread my fairy tale

    This is the second part of my fairy tale The Happy King. Please, would you proofread it.

    Every year the whole country celebrated the king’s birthday. Some days before that most important day, the Post Office had the busiest time of the year. Van after van would arrive to the palace with thousands of letters with birthday cards and presents which ordinary citizens had sent to the king. He did not have time to read them all, but the few ones which his secretary put on his desk, made his heart palpitate with pleasure.

    Especially cards and toys handmade by children impressed him greatly. They were signs of true love - those small drawings with the words “Happy Birthday” written by the young, insecure hands. And those cuddly toys and dolls made of cloth and old clothes.
    They reminded him of the time when he was a child and drew pictures and made his own toys.
    The celebration would last for days and the distinguished guests would wait in line to shake hands with the king and his family. The well-known poets would read their poems written specially for that occasion, glorifying the king’s generosity, wisdom and compassion and musicians would perform compositions dedicated to the king.

    When the moment came for the birthday cake to be brought into the room, it was always a momentous event, because the cake was the creation of the best pastry cooks who had used their skills and talents to please the king and draw praise from the gathering guests.
    The country had one daily paper and one TV and radio station. Their news and programs were permeated with the news about the Royal Family and their care for the kingdom and its citizens. The king wished everyone to be happy just like himself and he was always willing to give an interview to journalists and explain to them his happiness and satisfaction.

    The ordinary citizens did not remain silent, but praised their king and the queen, and the letters expressing people’s gratitude could be read almost every day in the paper, or their would stand in front of the TV cameras and talk about their love for the king and his governance. There was no opposition in the country, for who would oppose the happy king, who never hated anyone and wished every citizen well.

    Years passed and the king’s feelings did not change until one day a flicker of doubt passed his mind. In the beginning, he did not pay it much attention. Sometimes all kind of thoughts and fantasies swirled in his mind. A doubt was just one of them and he had forgotten it and turned his mind to art and music.
    But a doubt seemed to be persistent and was retuning many times. The king was so perturbed that he wanted to talk with the queen about his worries, but he did not dare, for fear of being misunderstood. A doubt came to him at the most inappropriate moments. He would sit down with a book or with a paintbrush in front of his painting and a doubt would appear from nowhere and spoil the moment of happiness. This was the most difficult time of his life and he did not know what to do and how to get rid of this plight.
    To be continued

  2. #2
    luschen is offline Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread my fairy tale

    Hi, here are my suggestions for your writing. I am not sure about the whole doubt thing at the end. Is this a certain doubt he is having, or doubts in general, and if so, about what? If it is a particular doubt, say the doubt or this doubt. If it is doubt in general, say doubt or doubts. Very rarely would I say "a doubt" except in the expression "without a doubt".

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    This is the second part of my fairy tale The Happy King. Please, would you proofread it.

    Every year the whole country celebrated the king’s birthday. Some days before that most important day, the Post Office had the[its] busiest time of the year. Van after van would arrive to the palace with thousands of letters with[,] birthday cards and presents which ordinary citizens had sent to the king. He did not have time to read them all, but the few ones which his secretary put on his desk {no comma here} made his heart palpitate with pleasure.

    Especially cards and toys handmade by children impressed him greatly. They were signs of true love - those small drawings with the words “Happy Birthday” written by the young, insecure{"unskilled" might be better} hands. And those cuddly toys and dolls made of cloth and old clothes.
    They reminded him of the time when he was a child and drew pictures and made his own toys.
    The celebration would last for days and the distinguished guests would wait in line to shake hands with the king and his family. The well-known poets would read their poems written specially for that occasion, glorifying the king’s generosity, wisdom and compassion and musicians would perform compositions dedicated to the king.

    When the moment came for the birthday cake to be brought into the room, it was always a momentous event, because the cake was the creation of the best pastry cooks who had used their skills and talents to please the king and draw praise from the gathering guests.
    The country had one daily paper and one TV and radio station. Their news [articles] and programs were permeated with the news about the Royal Family and their care for the kingdom and its citizens. The king wished everyone to be happy just like himself and he was always willing to give an interview to journalists and explain to them his happiness and satisfaction.

    The ordinary citizens did not remain silent, but praised their king and the queen, and the letters expressing people’s gratitude could be read almost every day in the paper, or their[citizens] would stand in front of the TV cameras and talk about their love for the king and his governance. There was no opposition in the country, for who would oppose the happy king, who never hated anyone and wished every citizen well{?}

    Years passed and the king’s feelings did not change until one day a flicker of doubt passed his mind. In the beginning, he did not pay it much attention. Sometimes all kind{s} of thoughts and fantasies swirled in his mind. A doubt was just one of them and he had forgotten it and turned his mind to art and music.
    But a[this] doubt seemed to be persistent and was retuning[returning] many times. The king was so perturbed that he wanted to talk with the queen about his worries, but he did not dare, for fear of being misunderstood. A[The] doubt came to him at the most inappropriate moments. He would sit down with a book or with a paintbrush in front of his painting and a doubt would appear from nowhere and spoil the moment of happiness. This was the most difficult time of his life and he did not know what to do and how to get rid of this plight.
    To be continued

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please,would you proofread my fairy tale

    Dear luschen,

    Thank you very much for correcting my mistakes. Regarding the word "doubt",
    it is about the king's doubt that people in his kingdom were satisfied and happy, as people around him used to say.

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