[Grammar] Grammar check for (short) thesis synopsis needed

[blue blues]

Hello,

I registered on this forum with hopes to find a linguist or English teacher who would be willing to proofread my English synopsis for Bachelor of Science thesis as English isn't my native language.

It's relatively short text so hopefully somebody responds.


Synopsis:

With the process of military infrastructure the care is taken for the elimination of errors, external damage or malfunctions on iventory, infrastructure or material assets. The first part of the thesis is dedicated to a detailed presentation of the procedure and to exposure of those segments of the process in which most realistic possibilities for changes to improve its carry-out conditions exist.

Accordingly with the tendency towards the improvement of the situation, second part of the thesis focuses on maximizing the elimination of physically present documents in circulation during the process, with the transition to electronic commerce or with the implementation of ERP system solution. Because of the complexity of the project, the focus is on stages and risks of implementation, with complements where specifications for SAP ERP are known. Other focus is on improving facility caretaker’s position with the proposal for renovation of existing rewards system.


Thank you very much in advance for your much appreciated time and willingness to help...

 

[Raymott]

Hello,

I registered on this forum with hopes to find a linguist or English teacher who would be willing to proofread my English synopsis for Bachelor of Science thesis as English isn't my native language.

It's relatively short text so hopefully somebody responds.


Synopsis:

With the process of military infrastructure, [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE] care is taken [STRIKE]for the elimination of[/STRIKE] to eliminate errors, external damage or malfunctions on inventory, infrastructure or material assets.
[Military infrastructure isn't a process. The planning, building, maintaining, repairing ... of military infrastructure are processes.]

The first part of the thesis is dedicated to a detailed presentation of the procedure [what procedure?] and to an exposure of those segments of the process [what process?] in which most realistic possibilities for changes to improve its carry-out conditions exist. [The meaning is not clear]
... and to an identification of those parts of the process which are most likely to benefit from improvements in implementation. [?]

Accordingly with the tendency towards the improvement of the situation,
In line with the attempt to improve efficiency ...
the second part of the thesis focuses on maximizing the elimination of physically present documents in circulation during the process,
... identifying unnecessary paperwork generated during the process, and which could be eliminated ...

[STRIKE]with[/STRIKE] by a transition to electronic commerce or with the implementation of an ERP system [STRIKE]solution[/STRIKE]. Because of the complexity of the project, the focus is on the stages and risks of implementation, with complements where specifications for SAP ERP are known. [unclear meaning]
... and includes the specifications for SAP ERP where these are known. [?]

Another focus is on reviewing the conditions of the facility caretaker’s position with [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE] a proposal for [STRIKE]renovation of [/STRIKE] improving the existing rewards system.


Thank you very much in advance for your much appreciated time and willingness to help...

I hope I've understood what you've written. Feel free to use as little or as much of my amendments as you like.

 

[blue blues]

Hey Raymott, thanks a lot. That was fast...


I found your post very helpful. I've used most of it, but had to keep some not to deviate from actual meaning. I'll think about adding some additional info which would help explain the content to a neutral reader more clearly.
Also, somehow I overlooked that I forgot to include the word upkeep at the beginning of the introduction, in the first sentence, so I understand it must have been that much more confusing to read the synopsis.

For now, I've changed the text to this (the whole one):

PROCEDURE FOR THE UPKEEP OF MILITARY INFRASTRUCTURE AND POTENTIAL FOR IMPROVEMENTS​

With the procedure of military infrastructure upkeep, care is taken to eliminate errors, external damage or malfunctions on inventory, infrastructure or material assets. The first part of the thesis is dedicated to a detailed presentation of the upkeep process and to exposure of those segments of the process where possibilities for changes which would have a positive impact on its carry-out conditions are most realistic.

In line with the attempt to improve efficiency, the second part of the thesis focuses on maximizing the elimination of documentation which is physically present in circulation during the process, by a transition to electronic commerce or with the implementation of an ERP solution. Because of the complexity of the project, the focus is on the stages and risks of implementation, and includes the specifications for SAP ERP where these are known. Another focus is on proposal for improving position of facility caretaker with the attempt at introduction of more appropriate rewards system.


Keywords: renewal, improvement, MORS, SV, procedure, caretaker, documents, implementation, SAP, ERP, motivation



You're very welcome to further comment the linguistic correctness if you'd like to.

Regards!