Hello everyone! I am a rookie of this forum, and I almost a rookie of learning English. Although I can understand some easy English writings, I can hardly write a bit compilicated sentence. Here is my essay posted below. Through these mess of words, could you please help to point out my major deficiencies(in details will be better)? Many Thanks!

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Task:

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.

What are your opinions on this?

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My response:

Both of the opposing views about the phenomenon that teenagers get involved in paid work is reasonable, and should be taken into account.

As the supporters say, experiences and sense of responsibility is advantageous to teenagers. As an example of experience, it will help children to establish a connection between personal interest and future career about which they have dreamed, so that it will make it easier to them to set their own goals of future. Moreover, paid works are valuable chances for teenagers to practice the knowledge they acquired from school to solve real problems. As a result, the interest of schooling will be increased. Furthermore, they might know more about how difficult it is to earn money, so that to understand the hardship of their parents to support a family.

However, disadvantages which opponents have claimed should not be ignored. Potential risks could be the most important consideration. Obviously, not every job is suitable for teenagers, some outdoors tasks or physical works for example. In the next place, teenagers who are engaged in paid work have to face the problem of balancing time. More time spend in working means less time spend in learning. The loss of balance may lead to decreased grades. Furthermore, these children usually have more consumption capacity; it would be a sort of challenge to parents for the purpose of cultivation of modest financial habits.

These kinds of activities are double-edged sword. It is hard to say whether it is right or not. I think that parents should not to prevent their children from the involvement in paid work. While I suggest that adequate supervision and communication surely is indispensable.