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    #1

    Please, would you proofread my short story

    Please would you correct the mistakes in my short story The Soldier and Death
    Part one.

    ”Why must I die?” the soldier asks.
    “Because I’ve chosen you,” Death answers.
    “But why me, of all thousands of others?”
    “Because I like you,” she answers. I like the colour of your hair, your gait, your athletic body. I like your brown eyes, I like the way you speak, the way you hold your gun, I like you when you’re fatigued, I like you when you’re asleep and when you wake up with a jolt. I like you when you read a letter, I like you when you shoot at the enemy and sweat profoundly under the scorching sun...

    “But I’m just 19 years old. I never kissed a girl. I’ve not lived a life. I’m the only child of my parents. They’re going die of sorrow. What kind of life are they going to live when I have disappeared from their lives?”
    The only answer the soldier gets is the blowing of the cold wind in the starless night. He sees the dark contours of the mountain in front of him and knows that the enemy is somewhere hidden behind the canopy of mighty trees and large boulders. But they are silent tonight, resting their bodies and their guns for the coming fights.

    “Why haven’t you chosen our leader instead? Or our generals? It is they who are responsible for this madness. They deserve to die.”

    “Your leader is a stupid old man, as well as the generals. They disgust me. Doddery fools who like to play God. I’m interested only in virgins like yourself.”
    The solder feels a lump rising in his throat and knots in his stomach.
    “But that is unjust,” the soldier screams. I’ve never hated anyone, never thought badly of anyone, never was envious because of the other people’s happiness, never wished to hurt anyone...”

    “Who is talking about justice, young man?” Death says. It will never be fairness on this planet, just everlasting struggle in which the powerful wins and the weak loses. That was since the creation of this planet and it will remain until the very end.”

    The soldier’s legs become shaky. He has never been so afraid. He feels that something is coming inside him, creeping into his veins and bones and nesting in his brain. Something which will devour him from inside, without him being able to defend himself. He wants to ask Death more questions, but at the same moment, he hears the thunder crushing above his head and the heavy rain starts to pour down soaking his fatigues.

    The soldier returns to the camp and lies on a camp bed in silence. He pretends to be tired to avoid talking to his comrades who friendly chat and tell jokes on the nearby beds. He would like to tell them what has happened to him, but he does not dare. They would probably laugh at him or believe he has gone mad in this wilderness. Or maybe they each have met Death, heard her message and now feign that everything is as usual while at the same time they are petrified with fear.

    TO BE CONTINUED
    Last edited by Bassim; 25-May-2011 at 17:20.

    • Member Info
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      • Serbo-Croatian
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    #2

    Re: Please, would you proofread my short story

    Dear Gilnetter,

    Thank you very much for correcting my mistakes.

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    #3

    Re: Please, would you proofread my short story

    Sweating profusely. Profound sweating is hard to visualize.
    Thunder crashing...

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