I'll comment on it though. You've made a lot of awkward mistakes by changing tenses too often. This is probably understandable, given the title, because it would become very irritating using "would" in every sentence; ie. a whole essay in the conditional.
Maybe you could ask your teacher about how to deal with that, and if you're not happy with her answer, come back and we could talk about it.
PS: Please don't post your questions more than once. You can delete one copy with the edit button.