[Topic: Sporting events] Pls check my essay and give a band score

[Q.trang]

Please correct my essay for the IELTS task 2 !!!!!!!
Thanks in advance

Popular events like the football WC and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
_________________________________

Along with the booming development of technology, all countries have competed in a rat race in order to impose their power over the world. As a result, discrimination and political tensions among nations have also been a strained issue these days. However all governments have attempted to create the concord with many international co-operations, including the organization of sporting festivals such as the Olympics, the World Cup, and the like. I strongly believe that these events raise chances for participants to ease the tension whilst showing loyalty towards their countries.
As the aim of international sporting events is honoring the sportsmanship, all participants such as athletes, coaches, and audiences put conflicts aside and contribute themselves to a fair-play competition. Moreover, the athletes may be aware that the victory in a noble human-being arena like sports would be more glorious than chasing in a furious army attack. Therefore, it is reasonable to state that sport events can consolidate the love for peace and for their countries.
In addition, sporting festivals with participants from various countries are great opportunities for cultural exchanges. The host and the guest countries can introduce their traditions, then having a profound understanding of each other. A culture-based grasp is a small, yet significant step in establishing friendly relationships among nations.
Furthermore, organizing worldwide events must cost much of effort and financial investment, and require the cooperation from all joining parties. For this reason, there is no doubt that these occasions would bring numerous opportunities for global associations in preparing, such as in construction, tourism. This impact related to economics might even prolong later on and lead to a solid long-term cooperation.
Overall, considering the positive influences of sporting festivals in tackling the international tensions and promoting patriotic feelings, I myself am in favor of maintaining and developing these events worldwide.

 

[Raymott]

Please correct my essay for the IELTS task 2 !!!!!!!
This is eight too many exclamation marks.
Thanks in advance

Popular events like the football WC and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
_________________________________

Along with the booming development of technology, all countries have competed in a rat race in order to impose their power over the world.
[No, no, no. Don't ever write "all" (or "never" or "always", etc.) unless you mean it. This is a demonstrably false statement. In fact, most countries are not actively competing in a race to impose their power on the world.
"rat race" is not the right term here. It doesn't mean this.]
As a result, discrimination and political tensions among nations have also been a strained issue these days. [More than, say, 20, 200, or 2000 years ago?]
However all [no] governments have attempted to create [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE] a concord with many [yes] international co-operations, including the organization of sporting festivals such as the Olympics, the World Cup, and the like. I strongly believe that these events raise chances for participants to ease the tension whilst showing loyalty towards their countries.
Good thesis statment.

As the aim of international sporting events is honoring [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE]sportsmanship, [STRIKE]all [/STRIKE][really? Many cheat] participants such as athletes, coaches, and audiences put conflicts aside and contribute themselves to a fair-play competition. Moreover, the athletes may be aware that [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE]victory in a noble human[STRIKE]-being[/STRIKE] arena like sports would be more glorious than chasing in a furious army attack. Therefore, it is reasonable to state that sport events can consolidate the love for peace and for their countries.

In addition, sporting festivals with participants from various countries are great opportunities for cultural exchanges. The host and the guest countries can introduce their traditions, [STRIKE]then having[/STRIKE] leading to a profound understanding of each other. A [STRIKE]culture-based[/STRIKE] grasp of foreign culture is a small, yet significant step in establishing friendly relationships among nations.

Furthermore, organizing worldwide events [STRIKE]must [/STRIKE]costs much [STRIKE]of [/STRIKE]effort and financial investment, and requires the cooperation from all joining parties. For this reason, there is no doubt that these occasions would bring numerous opportunities for global associations in preparing [?], such as in construction and tourism. This impact related to economics might even prolong [?] later on and lead to a solid long-term cooperation.
Overall, considering the positive influences of sporting festivals in tackling the international tensions and promoting patriotic feelings, I myself am in favor of maintaining and developing these events worldwide.

You make a good argument, and your essay follows logically; but you haven't said much, apart from agreeing to the question.
You've used a lot of words wrongly - such as the ones with [?] after them.
On todays effort - about a 5+

 

[Q.trang]

"For this reason, there is no doubt that these occasions would bring numerous opportunities for global associations in preparing [?], such as in construction and tourism. This impact related to economics might even prolong [?] later on and lead to a solid long-term cooperation."

Should I change "preparing" to "preparation" and "prolong" to "extent" ?

Thank you for helping. I am trying to get a 7, so I hope to see your comments on my essay next time

 

[Raymott]

"For this reason, there is no doubt that these occasions would bring numerous opportunities for global associations in preparing [?], such as in construction and tourism. This impact related to economics might even prolong [?] later on and lead to a solid long-term cooperation."

Should I change "preparing" to "preparation" and "prolong" to "extent" ?

Thank you for helping. I am trying to get a 7, so I hope to see your comments on my essay next time

No, changing 'preparing to 'preparation' doesn't help. I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence.
For the second, I think you mean "extend", since that's a verb. No, that wouldn't work either. You could say "This impact might extend into the future."