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  1. #1
    Genghis is offline Newbie
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    Default How should I improve?

    I just finish a class in writing. Personally, I think I took a grammar class. The teacher explain grammar rules. Just in one class, she gave the structure of the essay. I would like write in 5 body paragraph; however, she forbid.
    I received the maximum grade in this essay, yet I know I need improve a lot.

    Dealing with Debt

    The financial crise that hapenned in 2008 has been causing an increase in debt in American families. Many people defaulted and lost their houses. Debt occurs when spending is bigget than earning. Then, there are two main ways to approach debt on spending and earning.

    One way to avoid debt is increasing revenue/salary. If you do not spend more money than your salary, you will never create debt. There many ways to improve salary: working more, finding a better job, winning the lottery, and so on. There is a trade-off between work and leasure. Therefore, people avoid working to much because they want to have time for their families or hobbies. The best approach to increase salary is investing in human capital. For example, earning a master degree improves peopleís earning power in their life times. On average, people with masterís degrees earn during life 400,000 more than people with bachelorís degrees. This is an excelent payback considering that cost of master degree range from $15,000 to $40,000. Moreover, having a good network helps a person gain in salary. To illustrate a example of a good networking, a recommendation is required to be admited in any master program.

    Improving earning normally takes a long time. Then, it is crucial to look at spending. First, where is the money going to? Keeping on organized budget is whorwhile to avoid liabilities. Furthermore and foremost, a person needs create saving, which helps to cover emergency and imprevisibily cost such as to fix a car. The habbit of saving needs to be consistan, for example: fixing a certain amount of money to go to a saving accounting every month. Moreover, people should avoid using credit card or loans since they pay interest rates and fee. It is better to wait to buy with cash.

    In conclusion, it is tough times for American people, who is dealing with debt. It is an issue that needs be treated carefully because it affects the whole family. Thereby, people shold plain their lifes, knowing how much they spend and earn. Nowadays, anyone can control a budget; It just requires energy and a computer.
    Last edited by Genghis; 13-Jun-2011 at 23:44.

  2. #2
    luschen is offline Member
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    Default Re: How should I improve?

    Hi, I think your structure, ideas, and organization are very good. Your spelling is horrible though - mostly it looks like typos which you should correct before posting. A few grammatical errors too - see my suggestions below.

    Quote Originally Posted by Genghis View Post
    I just finish a class in writing. Personally, I think I took a grammar class. The teacher explain grammar rules. Just in one class, she gave the structure of the essay. I would like write in 5 body paragraph; however, she forbid.
    I received the maximum grade in this essay, yet I know I need improve a lot.

    Dealing with Debt

    The financial crise{sp} that hapenned{sp} in 2008 has been causing an increase in debt in American families. Many people defaulted and lost their houses. Debt occurs when spending is bigget{sp} than earning[earnings - "income" would be better though]. Then, there are two main ways to approach debt on spending and earning. {Thus, there are two main ways to deal with debt: decrease spending, or increase earnings.}

    One way to avoid debt is [by] increasing revenue/salary. If you do not spend more money than your salary, you will never create debt. There [are] many ways to improve{increase one's} salary: working more, finding a better job, winning the lottery, and so on. There is a trade-off between work and leasure{sp}. Therefore, people avoid working to{sp} much because they want to have time for their families or hobbies. The best approach to increase salary{"approach to increasing" or "way to increase"} is investing in human capital. For example, earning a master{s} degree improves peopleís earning power in their life times. On average, people with masterís degrees earn during [their] life[lives] 400,000 more than people with bachelorís degrees. This is an excelent payback considering that [the] cost of [a] master degree range from $15,000 to $40,000. Moreover, having a good network helps a person gain in salary. To illustrate a example of a good networking, a recommendation is required to be admited in any master program.{this last sentence is a little awkward}

    Improving earning{increasing income} normally takes a long time. Then{thus}, it is crucial to look at spending. First, where is the money going to? Keeping on{sp} organized budget is whorwhile{sp} to avoid liabilities. Furthermore and foremost, a person needs [to] create saving{s}, which helps to cover emergency{plural} and imprevisibily{sp} cost such as to fix a car. The habbit{sp} of saving needs to be consistan{sp},{start new sentence} for example: fixing[allotting] a certain amount of money to go to a saving accounting every month. Moreover, people should avoid using credit card{s} or loans since they pay[charge] interest rates and fee{s}. It is better to wait to buy with cash.

    In conclusion, it is tough times for [the] American people, who is[are] dealing with debt. It is an issue that needs be treated carefully because it affects the whole family. Thereby, people shold{sp} plain{sp} their lifes{sp}, knowing how much they spend and earn. Nowadays, anyone can control a budget; It just requires energy and a computer.

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