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  1. #1
    Lili86 is offline Newbie
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    Default Help with Sentence Structure

    I'm writing a personal statement for grad school and I am having a bit of trouble phrasing the second sentence. (I posted the preceding sentence for context purposes):

    I questioned at a very young age why people and nations are unable to get along and fail to come together in a better way to resolve problems. I initially began to wonder this through the first big purchase my parents made when they immigrated to the United States from Russia in 1989, when I was a girl of four years old, was a beautifully illustrated multivolumed World War II encyclopedia

    I would really appreciate suggestions!

    Thank you so much!

  2. #2
    TheParser is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Help with Sentence Structure

    Quote Originally Posted by Lili86 View Post
    I'm writing a personal statement for grad school and I am having a bit of trouble phrasing the second sentence. (I posted the preceding sentence for context purposes):

    I questioned at a very young age why people and nations are unable to get along and fail to come together in a better way to resolve problems. I initially began to wonder this through the first big purchase my parents made when they immigrated to the United States from Russia in 1989, when I was a girl of four years old, was a beautifully illustrated multivolumed World War II encyclopedia

    I would really appreciate suggestions!

    Thank you so much!

    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****



    "I began wondering about this after my parents, who had emigrated to

    the United States when I was four years old, bought their first big

    purchase, a beautifully illustrated multivolumed encyclopedia of World

    War II."


    James

  3. #3
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Help with Sentence Structure

    Quote Originally Posted by TheParser View Post
    "I began wondering about this after my parents, who had emigrated to the United States when I was four years old, bought their first big purchase, a beautifully illustrated multivolumed encyclopedia of World
    War II."
    A great improvement. I would make three minor changes; I prefer (opinion only)... bought made their first big purchase, a beautifully illustrated multi-volumed encyclopedia

  4. #4
    Lili86 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help with Sentence Structure

    Thank you all so much for your help! :)

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