Please someone could correct my essay??? I'm going to have my Ielts exam really soon.

[ildandi88]

Title: Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others,however, think that school is the place to learn this.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Nowadays growing up childrens as a good member for the society is really complicate for their parents and this is due to the busy life that the parents have. There are two different kind of opinions about that.

There are some people who think that the parents should teach children how to be good members of society. This point is really important and truthful, because the childrens when are growing up they have as first example of behaviours and way of life their parents, so the parents should be a vital presence for their children and they should teach them good manners to be a good member of the society.

However it is true that in a lot of cases the parents can not be a costant presence in the dailylife of their childrens, due to for their full time jobs. So about that there is another different kind of opinion which some people think that the school is the best place for the childrens to learn how to be a good member of the society. This could be a good and efficient method, because this is one of the duty of the school but not always could be efficient, especially for those kind of childrens that pay less attention to their teachers or want to keep a bad behaviour during the lessons, and this because they do not like to go at school.

To sum up i think that the school can give you the rights tools to be a good member of the society, but is not enough. Infact i'm totally agree with the first point of view, because i think that the parents cover the most important role during the life of their childrens and for that their childrens are always going to look their as a model of life. So if the parents are a good members of the society consequently their children will be as them, and the same will be in the opposite case.

 

[nielskokholm]

Dear ildandi88

Here some feedback on your writing.

I'm going to provide you with some ideas and corrections and then evaluate your writing with a approximate mark on the IELTS scale.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

The first important thing to notice is that you must discuss both items above i.e. the views and your own opinion.

Nowadays growing up childrens as a good member for the society is really complicate for their parents and this is due to the busy life that the parents have. There are two different kind of opinions about that.

Although "Nowadays" is a good way to begin, it has been used so much that some examiners have grown tired of it. Remember that your range is being evaluated too. You can also say "These days" or "Currently". Both are excellent alternatives. "Children growing up" or "raising children as good members of society" would be a better way of saying what you want to say. "is really complicated" would be correct. "two different kinds of opinions regarding that"

There are some people who think that the parents should teach children how to be good members of society. This point is really important and truthful, because the childrens when are growing up they have as first example of behaviours and way of life their parents, so the parents should be a vital presence for their children and they should teach them good manners to be a good member of the society.

"There are some people" is a bit more informal than simply "Some people think that..."
When you use the definite article "the", please remember that the object should have been mentioned before (which is not the case here). A point cannot be truthful in English, but it can be true. Be careful with childrens. Children is correct as it is already plural - an example of an irregular plural form in English. Mostly in English we say to "have a vital presence", not to "be a vital presence"

However it is true that in a lot of cases the parents can not be a costant presence in the dailylife of their childrens, due to for their full time jobs. So about that there is another different kind of opinion which some people think that the school is the best place for the childrens to learn how to be a good member of the society. This could be a good and efficient method, because this is one of the duty of the school but not always could be efficient, especially for those kind of childrens that pay less attention to their teachers or want to keep a bad behaviour during the lessons, and this because they do not like to go at school.

Once again, as we don't know the parents, "the" can be removed
Daily life
childrens... se previous
one of the duties (plural)
for those kinds of
this is so because...

To sum up i think that the school can give you the rights tools to be a good member of the society, but is not enough. Infact i'm totally agree with the first point of view, because i think that the parents cover the most important role during the life of their childrens and for that their childrens are always going to look their as a model of life. So if the parents are a good members of the society consequently their children will be as them, and the same will be in the opposite case.

I (always capital in English)
but it is not enough
So if the parent are good members (subject verb concord)

General comments:

Reasonable attempt

Although you present a writing with a clear beginning, middle and end, your opinions could have been organised more clearly. The writing features several grammatical errors and mistakes and some wrong use of collocation (combination of words). A serious issue is range. You use the word childrens (which should be children) too often. Always think of synonyms you can use e.g. youngsters, the young, adolescents etc.

The writing in its present form is situated around 3.5 or 4 on the IELTS scale (0-9).

Recommendations:

Although studying for a certificate such as the IELTS means focusing on exam formats and doing lots of exercises, the essence of any language production is still the language itself. I suggest you focus a bit more on the English through grammar and collocation practice. Michael Vince's series of grammar and collocation books are good starting points to develop your understanding of both grammar, vocabulary and collocation. Go to the site ielts-pass.com for an in-depth discussion on ELTS exam strategy versus language study.

Keep up the good work and you will reach your desired IELTS grade!