TOEFL:Pet should be treated like family members

[linh202]

Hi everyone,
Could you help me to check my essay, please?



Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Pet should be treated like family members.

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
A number of families have a liking for adopting pets such as dog, cat and bird. These pets not only bring happiness to their owner but also make our society become better and better. Thus, those undeniable benefits drive me to confirm that pets should be treated like family members they have the same feeling as the humans, are usually willing to make friends with us and have a great influence on the children.

First and foremost, pets as well as humans have their own emotion and feeling. For instance, I used to adopt a lovable puppy when I was small. However, I always forgot to feed him and just kept him in a cage. One week later, he came down with a serious illness and passed away. After that, I felt extremely depressed and discouraged. From my personal angle, animals are identical to all of us and need to be cared for. Unless we are heedful of them, they will feel sad, frustrated and even interfere with us all the time. On the contrary, pets will become the reliable and friendly family members if we spend time playing or chatting with them. Therefore, all the efforts expressing our attention like building pets’ care center, making friends and so forth are extremely essential.

Secondly, pets play an important role in our daily life. They are usually our loyal and honest friend because they do not know how to tell lie and betray. For example, dog is the most reliable friend of police force. He not only arrests the burglar but also detects the evidence. But for the dog, lots of investigations would have encountered many troubles. Furthermore, many trained pets assist the handicapped to do their work by themselves and help the blind to get the right direction. In addition, pets are ready to make friends with us whenever we need. They cannot speak, understand our language but at least they always listen to what we share and make fun to help us laugh.


Last but not the least; pets have effective impact on children’s response to their family and community. Some children assume that looking after their pets give them opportunities to learn the sense of responsibility. To the family, they are conscious of helping parents to do the housework, take care of their babies and live in harmony with their siblings. To the community, they are aware of the importance of doing charity and taking notice of other people around them. They will learn how to share the happiness and sorrow with the others.

As a result, pets are deserved to be behaved like the true family members. It will be too brutal and selfish if we just try to look down on and eliminate them out of our life.

 

[DavidA]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?: Pets should be treated like family members.


Many families have a liking for adopting pets, such as dogs, cats and birds. These pets not only bring happiness to their owner, but also improve our society dramatically. Thus, the undeniable benefits drive me to [STRIKE]confirm[/STRIKE] conclude that pets should be treated like family members; they have the same feeling as the humans, are usually willing to make friends with us and have a great influence on the children.

First and foremost, pets as well as humans have their own emotion and feeling. For instance, I used to adopt a lovable puppy when I was small. However, I always forgot to feed him and just kept him in a cage. One week later, he came down with a serious illness and passed away. After that, I felt extremely depressed and discouraged. In my perspective, animals are identical to all of us and need to be cared for. Unless we are heedful of them, they will feel sad, frustrated and even interfere with us all the time (not sure of the point you're trying to make here). On the contrary, pets will become the reliable and friendly family members if we spend time playing or chatting with them. Therefore, all the efforts and instances of investing in animals - like building pets’ care center, making friends and so forth - are extremely essential.

Secondly, pets play an important role in our daily life. They are usually our loyal and honest friend because they do not know how to tell lie and betray. For example, dog is the most reliable friend of the police force. He not only arrests the burglar but also detects the evidence. But for the dog, lots of investigations would have encountered many troubles. (I can't recommend anything here as I don't quite understand the point you are trying to make). Furthermore, many trained pets assist the handicapped in doing their work [STRIKE]by themselves [/STRIKE] (they are not doing it 'by themselves' if they are being 'assisted') and help the blind to find their way. In addition, pets are ready to make friends with us whenever we need them. They cannot speak or understand our language but at least they always listen to what we share and make fun to help us laugh.


Last but not the least: pets have effective impact on children’s response to their family and community. Some children assume that looking after their pets gives them opportunities to gain a sense of responsibility. To the family, they are conscious of helping parents to do the housework, take care of their babies and live in harmony with their siblings. To the community, they are aware of the importance of supporting charities and taking notice of other people around them. They will learn how to share the happiness and sorrow with the others.

As a result, pets are deserve to be embraced like [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] true family members. It will be too brutal and selfish if we just try to look down on and eliminate them from our life.

--------
NOT A TEACHER

My edits/alterations/recommendations are in red, and parts I don't understand are in blue. Generally, it is a good essay and the vast majority makes sense. You argue your point well, use varied sentence structure, utilise punctuation effectively and have a good vocabulary. Apart from minor things here and there with regards to word endings or phrasing, the spelling is fantastic and you have well argued, convincing and developed points. Good use of persuasive technique.

Some of my alterations aren't errors as such, but more so where I feel you could have better worded a sentence, or where I feel that a more appropriate or effective phrase or word could be used. But otherwise, really good essay!

 

[linh202]

Thanks for DavidA. I really appreciate your help