Results 1 to 3 of 3
  1. #1
    arzgol is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Canada
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    269
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Is my paragraph OK?

    In my view, if a person travels to my hometown he won't like Tehran for 2 reasons. First, s/he has to conform to the Islamic dress code even though s/he is not a Muslim. For example: one day in the summer an Indian airplane had to land emergency on the Tehran airport. Passengers were not allowed to go out to the transit salon, since women didn't have a scarf. So, they had to stay in the airplane for 10 hourse until the airplane was repaired. Second, there is no guarantee that a person can return to his country, because sometimes tourists disappear in my country.

    Thank you for your reply.
    Last edited by arzgol; 26-Jul-2011 at 17:11.

  2. #2
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    19,764
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Is my paragraph OK?

    Quote Originally Posted by arzgol View Post
    In my view, if a person travels to my hometown he won't like Tehran for 2 two reasons.
    "In my view, if a person travels to my hometown, Tehran, he won't like it."
    In our sentence, you don't say that Tehran is your home town - though I admit that most people will guess this. But it's awkward.

    First, s/he has to conform to the Islamic dress code even though (if) s/he is not a Muslim.
    Using "though", you are assuming that the person travelling to Tehran is not a Muslim. I'd write (also to avoid the two 's/he'), "First, people have to conform to the Islamic dress code even if they are not Muslims."

    For example: one day in the summer an Indian airplane had to land as an emergency on at the Tehran airport. Or "... an Indian airplane had to make an emergency landing ..."
    Passengers were not allowed to go out to the transit salon lounge, since the women didn't have a scarf. So, they had to stay in the airplane for 10 hours until the airplane was repaired. Second, there is no guarantee that a person can return to his country, because sometimes tourists disappear in my country.
    Thank you for your reply.
    two - integers less than 10 should be spelt out in formal writing.
    Your paragraphs are pretty good, despite all the corrections I've made.

  3. #3
    arzgol is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Canada
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Posts
    269
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Is my paragraph OK?

    Thank you so much. It is really kind of you to help me.

Similar Threads

  1. A PARAGRAPH
    By hiepnguyenbg in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 18-Jul-2010, 18:09
  2. paragraph --Can you Please check this paragraph writing‎ -‏
    By soofy19 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 13-Jun-2010, 14:43
  3. Help with this paragraph
    By doesxp in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 31-Dec-2008, 04:29
  4. A paragraph
    By nunudada in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 18-Aug-2007, 23:50

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •