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  1. #1
    motico is offline Member
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    Default The harsh scenes

    Please, check if the following passage is grammatically correct. Thanks!

    **This is a translated passage. It is neither intended to express a political opinion nor start a political discussion. I'm just interested in the language. **

    The harsh scenes of violence at the hands of the government, which have flooded the media, have severely hurt the prime minister's religious feelings. Like many other believers, for whom the religious tradition is the guiding principle, he can't afford sitting idle while across his border infidels are slaughtering observant believers. The anger that has seized him, as a result of that and due to news that soldiers had harmed the dignity of women, was the same anger that burst out of him in January 2009, when he saw what (a name of a country) did in the (a name of a place). Unfortunately, he has found out that the president isn't better than (a name of a country) and that he has done in his country what (a name of a country) had done in the (a name of a place) and perhaps even worse. His words on the regime in (a name of a country) have reflected his feeling that the president's regime has totally lost its legitimacy.

  2. #2
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    BobK is offline Harmless drudge
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    Default Re: The harsh scenes

    Thanks for the ** note..

    The collocations in the first sentence strike me as odd. 'Hurting someone's feelings' is usually quite a petty offence - and besides, it's not clear who's feeling what; I'm surprised at 'flooded the media', though it's obvious what it means; and 'harsh scenes of violence' doesn't sound quite right to me. And the scenes weren't done 'at the hands of' anyone.'The bloody violence perpetrated/handed out/dished out/meted out /...] by government troops/agents/sympathisers/[...]', perhaps.

    The only clear mistake Ican see though is 'can't afford sitting' - which should be 'can't afford to sit'. Also, some of the articles before the bits you've edited out look a bit odd; it's hard to say though, as place names can do funny things!

    b
    Last edited by BobK; 29-Jul-2011 at 16:28. Reason: fix typo

  3. #3
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    Default Re: The harsh scenes

    Quote Originally Posted by motico View Post
    The harsh scenes of violence at the hands of the government,(1) which have flooded the media,(1) have severely hurt the prime minister's religious feelings(2) . Like many other believers, for whom (the) religious tradition is the guiding principle, he can't afford sitting to sit idle while (3) across his border (3) infidels are slaughtering observant (4) believers. The anger that has seized him, as a result of that and due to of news that soldiers had harmed the dignity of women, was the same anger that burst out of him in January 2009, when he saw what (a name of a country) did in the (a name of a place). Unfortunately, he has found out that the president isn't better than (a name of a country)(5) and that he has done in his country what (a name of a country) had done in the (a name of a place) and perhaps even worse. His words on the regime in (a name of a country) have reflected his feeling that the president's regime has totally lost its legitimacy.
    1. I think you probably have a defining, rather than a non-defining relative clause here. If so, there should be commas.
    2. I am not quite sure what is mean by the underlined words.
    3. I think that commas would be better here.
    4.People who observe the customs, rules or laws of a country are not observant (carefully watching). Consider something like, 'true believers'.
    5. Which president? It sounds strange to me to say that the president isn't better than the country. Is that what you meant to say?

    ps. Bob posted his response while I was writing mine.

  4. #4
    motico is offline Member
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    Default Re: The harsh scenes

    Quote Originally Posted by fivejedjon View Post
    1. I think you probably have a defining, rather than a non-defining relative clause here. If so, there should be commas.
    2. I am not quite sure what is mean by the underlined words.
    3. I think that commas would be better here.
    4.People who observe the customs, rules or laws of a country are not observant (carefully watching). Consider something like, 'true believers'.
    5. Which president? It sounds strange to me to say that the president isn't better than the country. Is that what you meant to say?

    ps. Bob posted his response while I was writing mine.
    Thank you both for your remarks. I've tried to rephrase the passage. I hope now it's clearer (though I've fabricated the names of the countries…)



    The horrible scenes of violence, which has been perpetrated by the Babylonian government and shown repeatedly in the media, have severely offended the religious belief of Maledonia's Prime Minister. Like many other believers, for whom the religious tradition is the guiding principle, he can't afford to sit idle while across his border infidels are slaughtering true believers. The anger that has seized him, as a result of that and of news that soldiers had harmed the dignity of women, was the same anger that burst out of him in January 2009, when he saw what Antia did in the southern region. Unfortunately, he has found out that the Babylonian president isn't better than the leadership of Antia and that the Babylonian president has committed crimes in his country the same as the leadership of Antia had done in the southern region and perhaps even worse. The words of Maledonia's Prime Minister on the regime in Babylon have reflected his feeling that the regime of the Babylonian president has totally lost its legitimacy.
    Last edited by motico; 29-Jul-2011 at 21:31.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: The harsh scenes

    It's a lot clearer, but I still have reservations, some of which I had not picked up before:
    Quote Originally Posted by motico View Post
    The horrible scenes of the (1) violence, which has been perpetrated by the Babylonian government and shown repeatedly in the media, have severely offended the religious belief of Maledonia's Prime Minister. Like many other believers, for whom the religious tradition is the guiding principle, he can't afford to sit idle while across his border infidels are slaughtering true believers. The anger that has seized him, as a result of that and of news that soldiers had harmed the dignity of women, was the same anger that burst out of him (2) in January 2009, when he saw what Antia did in the southern region. Unfortunately, he has found out that the Babylonian president isn't no better than the leadership of Antia and that the Babylonian president has committed crimes in his country the same as (3) the leadership of Antia had done in the southern region and perhaps even worse. The words of Maledonia's Prime Minister on the regime in Babylon have reflected his feeling that the regime of the Babylonian president has totally lost its legitimacy.
    1. adding 'the' here makes it clear that it is 'the violence' and not 'horrible scenes' which is the antecedent of the following 'which'. I still think you have a defining, comma-less, clause following this.
    2. I don't like 'burst out of him'. Consider 'he displayed', 'that exploded' or 'to which he gave vent'.
    3. ...the Babylonian president has committed the same crimes in his country that the Antian leadership has/had (?) in the southern region ...
    or:
    ... the Babylonian president has committed crimes in his country similar to those committed by the Antian leadership in the southern region ...

    Using the fabricated names makes it easier for me, at least, to deal with. However, as there are sensitive people around, you might consider using totally fabricated forms such as Avian, Bevian, Cevian, Devian, etc in the future.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: The harsh scenes

    Quote Originally Posted by fivejedjon View Post
    It's a lot clearer, but I still have reservations, some of which I had not picked up before:1. adding 'the' here makes it clear that it is 'the violence' and not 'horrible scenes' which is the antecedent of the following 'which'. I still think you have a defining, comma-less, clause following this.
    2. I don't like 'burst out of him'. Consider 'he displayed', 'that exploded' or 'to which he gave vent'.
    3. ...the Babylonian president has committed the same crimes in his country that the Antian leadership has/had (?) in the southern region ...
    or:
    ... the Babylonian president has committed crimes in his country similar to those committed by the Antian leadership in the southern region ...

    Using the fabricated names makes it easier for me, at least, to deal with. However, as there are sensitive people around, you might consider using totally fabricated forms such as Avian, Bevian, Cevian, Devian, etc in the future.
    1 (I'd use 'that', but only to keep WinWord's grammar police quiet!)
    2 nor do I. You cd just use 'showed'...?
    3 Yup.

    (And what sort of bottled water would they drink )

    b

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