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  1. #1
    ehsaning is offline Newbie
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    Post Revise my essay: Incidence of X disease in Someland

    Hello,
    Would you please revise my Academic Task 1 essay?


    Note: I attached the graph.


    The single line graph illustrates the number of reported cases of a particular disease affected people between 1960 and 1995 in Someland. Primarily, the trouble was not prevented until 1980 where the figure started falling down.

    The infection began to spread at 100 cases since 1960, and then it increased gradually by 80 types from 120 to 1965 to 200 in 1970. Between 1970 and 1975, the number rose significantly by 300 cases to 500, and the pattern stayed constant for the next five years. As mentioned above, the spread of X disease was controlled after 1980, where the graph dropped to number 350. Soon, the number of infections decreased much more, and finally the number of cases slumped to zero in 1990 and 1995. In the other words, the illness entirely eliminated among people.

    In the final analysis, the single line graph represents that the outbreak of illness stopped after the turn of the 1980s.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Academic Task 1.jpg  

  2. #2
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    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Revise my essay: Incidence of X disease in Someland

    Quote Originally Posted by ehsaning View Post
    Hello,
    Would you please revise my Academic Task 1 essay?

    Note: I attached the graph.
    I'm not sure whether you have other information about this, but you seem to making a few unwarranted assumptions.

    The single line graph illustrates the number of reported cases of a particular disease affected people between 1960 and 1995 in Someland. Primarily, the trouble was not prevented
    The incidence fell. We don't know if the disease was prevented or not.
    until 1980 where the figure started falling down.

    The infection began to spread at 100 cases since 1960
    What infection? No, the chart began in 1960. We do not know when the disease first appeared here.
    , and then it increased gradually by 80 types cases from 120 in 1965 to 200 in 1970. Between 1970 and 1975, the number rose significantly by 300 cases to 500, and the pattern stayed constant for the next five years.
    No, we don't know what happened between 1975 and 1980 from this graph - only that the incidence in 1975 was the same as it was in 1980. Are we told that these are cumulative figures covering the previous five years?

    As mentioned above, the spread of X disease
    Not all diseases are infections. Not all diseases spread. This could be something like heart disease or diabetes.
    was controlled after 1980,
    It could have been controlled, but that's another assumption. It might have spontaneously remitted. Even if it was controlled, it's wrong to say that after 1980 it was controlled - it began to be controlled in 1980. Also, given that the rate did not increase from 1975 to 1980, perhaps the control began after 1975.
    Some things can't be read off this graph, since we only have 5-yearly figures. It might be worth mentioning this. For extra marks, you should note that some things you are saying are assumptions, necessitated by the paucity of data.

    where the graph dropped to number 350. Soon, the number of infections cases decreased much more, and finally the number of cases slumped to zero in 1990 and 1995. In the other words, the illness was entirely eliminated among the people.

    In the final analysis, the single line graph represents that the outbreak of illness stopped after the turn of the 1980s.
    Was it an outbreak, or do we simply not have the data for the period prior to the graph?
    You don't need to put all the figures of the actual levels in your description.
    If you make a lot of assumptions, mention that, and point out the limitations of the graph.

  3. #3
    ehsaning is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Revise my essay: Incidence of X disease in Someland

    Thank for your time, I didn't have more information related to this graph.
    I'm examining the problems that you've told me, I'll fix my mistakes.

    One of my friends told me that I have a grammatical problem here: "The infection began to spread at 100 cases since 1960" , I have to use the present perfect tense when using “since”, is that right?

  4. #4
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Default Re: Revise my essay: Incidence of X disease in Someland

    Quote Originally Posted by ehsaning View Post
    Thank for your time, I didn't have more information related to this graph.
    I'm examining the problems that you've told me, I'll fix my mistakes.

    One of my friends told me that I have a grammatical problem here: "The infection began to spread at 100 cases since 1960" , I have to use the present perfect tense when using “since”, is that right?
    Yes. That sentence should be written, "The infection began to spread in 1960, with 100 cases."

    I was probably more severe than the examiners, but try not to read things into the chart that aren't there.

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