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  1. #1
    xaidiali is offline Newbie
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    Exclamation can anybody of you please assess this essay which i wrote,please give score out of 10

    You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
    Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the
    following topic.
    When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless
    to try and keep them alive.
    To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
    You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with
    examples and relevant evidence.
    You should write at least 250 words.



    There are around 300 countries in our small world. Every country has its own tradition, language, culture, and way of living. if we put some light on some same language countries such as U.S , U.K and Australia which have English language in common , nobody can say on behalf of their language that they are same , because their culture ,their way of living even pronunciation of English is not same.
    A word technology comes into every mid whenever anybody talk about a developed country. this is the use of technology that differentiate a developed country from a non developed country , like America can spend space shuttle in space and ton other hand there might be some areas in world whom people would not even believe this technology.
    We are living in a world where scientists and researchers have been working in advanced technology, and inventing and publishing their researches daily and it's not only effecting our thinking but our way of life. Computer and cellular phones are the most effective inventions and examples of technology which changes our life totally , counties like Pakistan and India have these two technologies and they are being developed . All traditions skills and way of life lost somewhere just after these technologies arrived. kids who had been spending their time with parents after schools started using computers and playing video games and teenagers who used to get on bed early at night started using cell phones to talk with friends all night. phone , ipad, blackberry and high speed internet ruined all traditions, why would anybody bother him/her self to follow the tradition of his family to go to meet his grandfather house in other city when he/she can have a voice/video chat with them.
    There are lots of examples of using technology while country's developing that effects entire country. Parents cannot keep their children away from computers just for keeping their traditional ways. For me it's just pointless if we want to compete from developing and want our country to be same like these then we have to see some traditions dying out in front of us ......

  2. #2
    xaidiali is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: can anybody of you please assess this essay which i wrote,please give score out o

    Please give score out of 10 or in terms of ielts band , i want to check my level?

    You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
    Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the
    following topic.
    Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in
    easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
    To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
    You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with
    examples and relevant evidence.
    You should write at least 250 words.

    Trading, tourism, exchanging goods and international sporting festivals have been the most important factors in developing good relation with any country.
    When it comes to sports, people feel excitement and fun, it doesn’t matter whether you are poor or you are rich you feel relax after playing you favorite sport. Sport means a lot to everybody except some who keep themselves busy in to their homes all the time and studying. It helps to get away with your daily bore routine life and with your tensions from which people usually go through (of course for some time, but sport does).
    When it comes to national or international level excitement and patriotism grow up to the level where only sporty people can imagine or the sport lover. Everything has its two side :positive and negative and when the word sport mention any where only two words starts revolving in mind, win or loose . Research says that sports can be some time dangerous it is relate to second word loose, not everybody can bear defeat and defeat in any sport can wage chaos easily.
    Football is the most famous and emotional sport of the world , football world cup gives a chance to every country to show up and meet and play with other countries teams and to show their real or positive side of the country , not only football world cup Olympics and other occasions help countries to meet and develop their relations and present them internationally but at the same time we must know to control our patriotic behaviors and we must stick to only game , we should not treat game as a war between two countries.
    To sum up, all these sporting festivals are essential for all countries to easing international relations and relaxing them.

  3. #3
    RubyKay is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: can anybody of you please assess this essay which i wrote,please give score out o

    I would give you 7/8 out of 10 points.
    Good facts and spelling.
    Try to use synonyms or something, that sounds different, after using the "daily words."

  4. #4
    Raymott's Avatar
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    Default Re: can anybody of you please assess this essay which i wrote,please give score out o

    Quote Originally Posted by xaidiali View Post
    Please give score out of 10 or in terms of ielts band , i want to check my level?

    You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
    Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the
    following topic.
    Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in
    easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
    To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
    You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with
    examples and relevant evidence.
    You should write at least 250 words.

    Trading, tourism, exchanging goods [This is trading] and international sporting festivals have been the most important factors in developing good relations with any country between countries.
    The question is about sport. A better introduction would be, "International sporting festivals, along with trade and tourism, have been ... "
    When it comes to sports, people feel excitement and fun, it doesn’t matter whether you are poor or you are rich you feel relax after playing you favorite sport.
    Maybe, but very, very few people play international sport. The question is not about playing.
    Sport means a lot to everybody except some who keep themselves busy in to their homes all the time and studying. It helps to get away with your daily bore routine life and with your tensions from which people usually go through (of course for some time, but sport does).
    None of this (even if it were true) is all that relevant. Personal participation in sport is not the issue.
    When it comes to national or international level, excitement and patriotism grows up to the a level where only sporty people or the sport lover can imagine. Everything has its two side -- positive and negative -- and when the word sport is mentioned anywhere only two words starts revolving [?] in the mind: win or loose lose. Research says that sports can sometimes be dangerous. It is related to the second word loose lose. Not everybody can bear defeat, and defeat in any sport can wage chaos easily.
    You can't join three, or even two, sentences with a comma.
    Are you saying that the danger in sport is related to losing?

    Football is the most famous and emotional sport of the world. The Football World Cup gives a chance to every country to show up and meet and play with other countries' teams and to show their real or positive side of the country.
    It shows the country's sporting ability. Is that the real side of a country? Also, a sporting team's performance does not always reflect positively on the country.

    The football world cup, Olympics and other occasions not only help countries to meet and develop their relations and present them internationally but at the same time, we must know to control our patriotic behaviors and we must stick to only game , we should not treat game as a war between two countries.
    You should try to answer the question more closely. The question asks what is the reality, not what should be. It's asking whether such events are essential in releasing tensions in a safe way. You're expected to agree or disagree and say why.

    To sum up, all these sporting festivals are essential for all countries to easing international relations and relaxing them.
    This doesn't really sum up your argument. Most of your essay deals with how to avoid hostilities related to a team losing. You seem pessimistic about people's abilities to control themselves. But then you end by saying you think all this is essential to ease international tension - for which you've given no actual arguments or examples.
    You've quoted one source (evidence) that asserts that sport is dangerous because one team has to lose.
    There are some basic lessons you need to learn to write a good essay. Don't write run-on sentences - ie. sentences joined by commas.
    Don't put a space before a comma.

    You've made a few grammatical and punctuation errors, but more importantly, the essay does not have the coherence that the examiners would look for. And critically, you have not satisfactorily answered the question.
    IELTS score ~ 5, if the examiner is lenient with your argument.

  5. #5
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: can anybody of you please assess this essay which i wrote,please give score out o

    Quote Originally Posted by xaidiali View Post
    You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
    Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the
    following topic.
    When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive.
    To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
    You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with
    examples and relevant evidence.
    You should write at least 250 words.



    There are around 300 countries in our small world. Every country has its own tradition, language, culture, and way of living. if we put some light on some same language countries such as U.S , U.K and Australia which have English language in common , nobody can say on behalf of their language that they are same , because their culture ,their way of living even pronunciation of English is not same.
    You should try to write an introduction that is relevant and states a thesis statement - ie. what is your position on the question. I can't see the relevance to the question of the above introduction.

    A word technology comes into every mid whenever anybody talk about a developed country. this is the use of technology that differentiate a developed country from a non developed country , like America can spend space shuttle in space and ton other hand there might be some areas in world whom people would not even believe this technology.
    We are living in a world where scientists and researchers have been working in advanced technology, and inventing and publishing their researches daily and it's not only effecting our thinking but our way of life. Computer and cellular phones are the most effective inventions and examples of technology which changes our life totally , counties like Pakistan and India have these two technologies and they are being developed .

    All traditions skills and way of life lost somewhere just after these technologies arrived. kids who had been spending their time with parents after schools started using computers and playing video games and teenagers who used to get on bed early at night started using cell phones to talk with friends all night. phone , ipad, blackberry and high speed internet ruined all traditions, why would anybody bother him/her self to follow the tradition of his family to go to meet his grandfather house in other city when he/she can have a voice/video chat with them.
    There are lots of examples of using technology while country's developing that effects entire country. Parents cannot keep their children away from computers just for keeping their traditional ways. For me it's just pointless if we want to compete from developing and want our country to be same like these then we have to see some traditions dying out in front of us ......
    ~ 4-5. The same comments apply as I've written on your other essay.

    PS: You can check the IELTS scoring system from this page. The bands are 1 - 9.

    http://www.abroadeducation.com.np/test-preparation/ielts/score-pattern.html

  6. #6
    xaidiali is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: can anybody of you please assess this essay which i wrote,please give score out o

    hey guys thanks a lot i got 6 band in writing and over all 6.5 band s:)

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