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  1. #1
    sayo is offline Newbie
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    Speech draft: advice pl.

    Hello, there.
    I'd really appreciate it if you'd help me out with student's speech
    draft.

    The speech should be over within 2'45". *I think the draft is a bit
    long, but I'm not
    sure where to shorten.

    In terms of the 'organization', is this draft well-organized and
    consistent with the topic or speech title?

    Do you think you would get the message of the speaker if you were part
    of the audience?

    As for the title of the speech, I have some more options something
    like below:
    "I’ll never forget"
    "I’ll stand by you"
    "I’ll never forget, standing by you …"
    Pl. tell me what you think about the title, too.

    Lastly, grammar, words & expressions a source of my worries.

    Any advice would be of an enormous help to me.
    I'm sending you a lot of thanks in advance.

    Thank you.

    Below is the speech draft.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Never ‘Out of Sight, Out of Mind’

    Something unbelievable happened in Tohoku area, the northern part of
    Japan. *It was the world’s largest quake and tsunami on March 11th.
    The quake and tsunami was devastating, and destroyed cities and towns
    and has taken away the lives of many people there. *The explosion of
    Fukushima nuclear power plant added fuel to the tragedy. *Everything
    was, and still is, beyond words.

    When the quake hit Tohoku, I was in a math class. *I was very scared,
    and many of my classmates were left speechless. *We hid ourselves
    under the desk, and a little later we ran outside to evacuate. *The
    ceilings of the music room and the gym fell off. *My grandfather said,
    ‘I’ve never had one like this before.’

    Seven months have passed. *Everybody is still talking about
    ‘assistance’ we can give and ‘responsibility’ we can share.
    Collecting and sending money to those in need or saving on energy is,
    of course, part of it. *It’s important to take action. *Like many of
    you, I’ve made a little donation as well as turning off lights when
    unnecessary.

    I’m a junior high school student, so I don’t think there’s much I can
    do to help now.
    But ‘There should be more to the assistance other than sending
    money…’ *I thought about it over and over.

    As time goes by, we tend to forget what we faced in the past. *If so
    this time again, what we’re doing out of good will means very little.
    I thought, ‘I live far away, but I can ALWAYS stand by them in my mind
    and heart.’ *I’m not sure how long it will take for Tohoku to fully
    recover from the rubble. *But one thing is for sure; they will need
    us, who will never forget their sufferings, and they want us to
    support them for as long period of time as it takes.

    I will never forget what happened last March; I will stand by them the
    way I can.
    When I grow up and when the time comes, I’ll do my best to be of a big
    help to those having a hard time in their lives.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ends here.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Speech draft: advice pl.

    I find a good way to shorten is to chip away words here and there:

    Something unbelievable happened in Tohoku area, the northern part of
    Japan. *It was the world’s largest quake and tsunami on March 11th.
    (22 words)

    Something unbelievable happened in Tohoku, in northern
    Japan on March 11th- the world’s largest quake and tsunami.
    (17 words)

    The quake and tsunami was devastating, and destroyed cities and towns
    and has taken away the lives of many people there.
    (21 words)

    They were devastating, destroying cities and towns
    and taking the lives of thousands.
    (13 words)

    etc

    BTW I read it was the 5th largest earthquake.

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