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  1. #1
    sayo is offline Newbie
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      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • Japanese
      • Home Country:
      • Japan
      • Current Location:
      • Japan
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    Sep 2011
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    Default pl. suggestions and comments

    Hello, there.
    I'd really appreciate it if you'd help me out with student's speech
    draft.

    The speech should be over within 2'45". *I think the draft is a bit
    long, but I'm not
    sure where to shorten.

    In terms of the 'organization', is this draft well-organized and
    consistent with the topic or speech title?

    Do you think you would get the message of the speaker if you were part
    of the audience?

    As for the title of the speech, I have some more options something
    like below:
    "Iíll never forget"
    "Iíll stand by you"
    "Iíll never forget, standing by you "
    Pl. tell me what you think about the title, too.

    Lastly, grammar, words & expressions a source of my worries.

    Any advice would be of an enormous help to me.
    I'm sending you a lot of thanks in advance.

    Thank you.

    Below is the speech draft.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  2. #2
    phamduc.minhanh is offline Newbie
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      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • Russian Federation
      • Current Location:
      • Singapore
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    Sep 2011
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    Default Re: pl. suggestions and comments

    Greetings,

    I am a high school pupil from Singapore.

    May you post your draft here so that all of us can take a look and check for you?

    Cheerio,

    Pham Duc Minh Anh
    Last edited by phamduc.minhanh; 22-Sep-2011 at 17:10.

  3. #3
    kayvelic's Avatar
    kayvelic is offline Newbie
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      • Interested in Language
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      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
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      • Australia
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    Default Re: pl. suggestions and comments

    Sorry but the draft isn't visible, try posting it again?


    As for the title, although I'm not sure of the speeches context, one thing sprang to mind instantly-


    "Together we stood, not forgotten."

    -OR

    "Side by side, hand in hand"

    "Forgetting all, by you I stand"

    -A little spin on your "I'll never forget" could be...

    "Never forgotten"

    -OR

    "Never could I forget"

    -A take off the "I'll stand by you", which is a 90's (I think) song tile...

    "By you I stand"

    "For your memory I stand (tall)" - This one was used at my fathers friends funeral when I was a kid, so maybe its a bit morbid or maybe thats just my view.

    hope I could help, good luck.


    Cheers, Kay.

    "

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