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  1. #1
    heartshine is offline Newbie
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    Default Help needed with a sentence

    Hi, I need some help with a sentence I'm stuck with, it's the sentence in bold. I'm writing an English novel, but I'm dutch. The sentence is about a boy who wakes up in a chair after having a dream... I'm not happy with the flow of it, is there a better way to shape or complement it?

    Slowly the blur before him shifted into focus again, taking the shape of his familiar basement room. Like in the moment when sleepiness had pulled down his heavy eyelids, Richard’s hand prevented a white laptop from sliding down his legs.

    Thanks a lot!
    Jesse

  2. #2
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Help needed with a sentence

    If the slipping down had almost happened before, then I would have 'the white laptop' rather than 'a white laptop'.

    It's difficult to say any more (and what I have already said may not be appropriate) without a look at the paragraphs preceding and following this. We are looking at style, not grammar, and you can't do that with one sentence in isolation.

  3. #3
    heartshine is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help needed with a sentence

    Hi, thanks for your comment. The laptop hasn't been mentioned before. Somehow the flow of the bold doesn't feel right to me, but maybe I'm just a bit insecure...

    This is the text in context with the other alinea's:


    The comfy red chair was so big that he almost disappeared in it. To Richard it was more than just a chair, it was a portal to another world, transporting him to all the conquered and yet undiscovered realms in his mind.
    Slowly the blur before him shifted into focus again, taking the shape of his familiar basement room. Like in the moment when sleepiness had pulled down his heavy eyelids, Richard’s hand prevented a white laptop from sliding down his legs. Dazed from the intense dream it took him a minute to get his heartbeat down to a stable rate. It felt so real that he still couldn’t cope with the abrupt ending. He needed more information and more detail.
    “What the hell is going on there?” Richard mumbled. “Is it really a dream?”
    Deep in his heart he knew it was so much more than just a dream. What he could not suspect, however, was that soon the pieces of the puzzle would all fall into place.

  4. #4
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Help needed with a sentence

    I've just noticed - you have posted this question twice. Please don't do that.

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