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  1. #1
    ziawj2 is offline Member
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    Default correction of a memo

    Last week I assigned a task of writing a memo to my students based on the following situation:
    You are the organizer of a spring excursion activity in the suburbs of Beijing this weekend. Write a memorandum to remind the students of your department about the following items: the place to visit, the time and place to meet, and preparation for the activity.

    Before instructing my students to write, I write a memo on my own. There must be some expressions or sentences which are not native English. So could you help me to correct it and make it more natural and coherent? Thank you!


    Memo

    To: All Students of Foreign Language Department
    From: Zhang San, Organizer Committee member, Student Union
    Date: Saturday, April 2
    Subject: Spring Excursion

    A spring excursion is heading to the Fragrant Hill for clear sky, mild sunshine, and fresh air you have dreamed of in the downtown! The exciting excursion is organized on Saturday, April 8 by the Student Union. Here are the details:
    The loaned bus will depart from the north gate of our university at 8 a.m., arrive at around 9 a.m., and return around 2:00 p.m.. Lunch is on your own. Prepare bread, hamburgers, hot dogs, cookies, cake, snacks and bottled water in advance. The temperature of Saturday will vary from 18-27. You should wear a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of trousers. A thin coat can be added and removed as temperature changes greatly between the early morning and the midday. The most important is to wear a pair of comfortable sports shoes.
    If you would like to join us, please tell Zhang San in office 203 of Teaching Building I and come to meet at the opening area, in front of Teaching Building I at 7:50 a.m., Saturday, April 8.

  2. #2
    J&K Tutoring is offline Member
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    Default Re: correction of a memo

    A spring excursion is heading to Fragrant Hill for the clear skies, mild sunshine, and fresh air you have been dreaming of! This exciting excursion is set for Saturday, April 8 by the Student Union. Here are the details:

    Our bus will depart from the university's North gate at 8 a.m., arrive around 9 a.m., and depart for our return around 2:00 p.m. Lunch is on your own, so prepare bread, hamburgers, hot dogs, cookies, cake, snacks, etc. and bottled water in advance. Temperatures on Saturday are expected to vary from 18-27℃, so a long-sleeved shirt, trousers, and a light jacket are recommended. The most important thing is to wear comfortable sports shoes.

    If you would like to join us, please notify Zhang San in office 203 of Teaching Building I before ___ (date) and be in front of Teaching Building I ready to depart at 7:50 a.m., Saturday, April 8.

    See you there!

  3. #3
    ziawj2 is offline Member
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    Default Re: correction of a memo

    I am not sure whether I understand completely the reasons why you make the following correction. So could you confirm them? looking forward to your reply.
    1) In Oxford Collocations Dictionary, there is an example: a week of cloudless skies; in Collins COBUILD ADVANCEDDICTIONARY of English, there is an example: … warm sunshine and clear blue skies. The sky is the space around the earth which you can see when you stand outside and look upward, and the sky is unique. So what does “skies” mean? Expect your explanation.
    2) You delete “in the downtown” in the first sentence. Do you mean that wherever you are, you dream of “clear skies, mild sunshine, and fresh air”? So is “in the downtown” unnecessary and wordy?
    3) This exciting excursion is set for Saturday… / The exciting excursion is organized on Saturday…
    Do you mean the phrase “is set for” can indicate the future tense and is American English, while “is organized” cannot and is British English?
    4) … depart for our return around 2:00 p.m. / …return around 2:00 p.m..
    Why you make the correction? Do you mean “depart for our return” is more natural and acceptable to Americans?
    5) … please notify Zhang San … / … please tell Zhang San …
    Do you mean “notify” is more formal than “tell”?
    6) …come to meet in front of Teaching Building I … / …be in front of Teaching Building I …
    Why you replace “come to meet” with “be”?
    7) Is the phrase “See you there” too oral? And does its style coincide with the formal style?
    Thanks very much!

  4. #4
    ziawj2 is offline Member
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    Default Re: correction of a memo

    [QUOTE=J&K Tutoring;808843]A spring excursion is heading to Fragrant Hill for the clear skies, mild sunshine, and fresh air you have been dreaming of! This exciting excursion is set for Saturday, April 8 by the Student Union. Here are the details:

    Our bus will depart from the university's North gate at 8 a.m., arrive around 9 a.m., and depart for our return around 2:00 p.m. Lunch is on your own, so prepare bread, hamburgers, hot dogs, cookies, cake, snacks, etc. and bottled water in advance. Temperatures on Saturday are expected to vary from 18-27℃, so a long-sleeved shirt, trousers, and a light jacket are recommended. The most important thing is to wear comfortable sports shoes.

    If you would like to join us, please notify Zhang San in office 203 of Teaching Building I before ___ (date) and be in front of Teaching Building I ready to depart at 7:50 a.m., Saturday, April 8.

    See you there![/QUOTE]

    I am not sure whether I understand completely the reasons why you make the following correction. So could you confirm them? looking forward to your reply.
    1) the sky or skies

    In Oxford Collocations Dictionary, there is an example: a week of cloudless skies; in Collins COBUILD ADVANCEDDICTIONARY of English, there is an example: … warm sunshine and clear blue skies. "The sky" is the space around the earth which you can see when you stand outside and look upward, and the sky is unique. So what does "skies" mean? Expect your explanation.
    2) You delete "in the downtown" in the first sentence. Do you mean that wherever you are, you dream of "clear skies, mild sunshine, and fresh air"? So is "in the downtown" unnecessary and wordy?
    3) This exciting excursion is set for Saturday… / The exciting excursion is organized on Saturday…
    Do you mean the phrase "is set for" can indicate the future tense and is American English, while "is organized" cannot and is British English?
    4) … depart for our return around 2:00 p.m. / …return around 2:00 p.m..
    I cannot understand why you make the correction. Do you mean "depart for our return" is more natural and acceptable to Americans?
    5) … please notify Zhang San … / … please tell Zhang San …
    Do you mean "notify" is more formal than "tell"?
    6) …come to meet in front of Teaching Building I … / …be in front of Teaching Building I …
    Why you replace "come to meet" with "be"? Why I cannot use "come to meet"?
    7) Is the phrase "See you there" too oral? And does its style coincide with the formal style?


    Thanks very much!


  5. #5
    ziawj2 is offline Member
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    Default Re: quesions about the correction

    A spring excursion is heading to Fragrant Hill for the clear skies(In Oxford Collocations Dictionary, there is an example: a week of cloudless skies; in Collins COBUILD ADVANCEDDICTIONARY of English, there is an example: … warm sunshine and clear blue skies. The sky is the space around the earth which you can see when you stand outside and look upward, and the sky is unique. So what does “skies” mean? Expect your explanation.), mild sunshine, and fresh air you have been dreaming of(You delete “in the downtown” in the first sentence. Do you mean that wherever you are, you dream of “clear skies, mild sunshine, and fresh air”? So is “in the downtown” unnecessary and wordy?)! This exciting excursion is set(Do you mean the phrase “is set for” can indicate the future tense and is American English, while “is organized” cannot and is British English?) for Saturday, April 8 by the Student Union. Here are the details:

    Our bus will depart from the university's North gate at 8 a.m., arrive around 9 a.m., and depart for our return(Why you make the correction? Do you mean “depart for our return” is more natural and acceptable to Americans?) around 2:00 p.m. Lunch is on your own, so prepare bread, hamburgers, hot dogs, cookies, cake, snacks, etc. and bottled water in advance. Temperatures on Saturday are expected to vary from 18-27℃, so a long-sleeved shirt, trousers, and a light jacket are recommended. The most important thing is to wear comfortable sports shoes.

    If you would like to join us, please notify(Do you mean “notify” is more formal than “tell”?) Zhang San in office 203 of Teaching Building I before ___ (date) and be(Why I cannot use “come to meet” ?) in front of Teaching Building I ready to depart at 7:50 a.m., Saturday, April 8.

    See you there(Is the phrase “See you there” too oral? And does its style coincide with the formal style?)!

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