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  1. #1
    lucakun is offline Newbie
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    Default would you please check my story?

    Hi guys! Here I am with a new writing test.
    Would you please revise it?

    here is the exam task:

    Your English teacher has asked you to write a short story for the school magazine.
    The story must begin with the following words.
    When I look back on it now, I realise it was the most exciting day of my life.


    When I look back on it now, I realise it was the most exciting day of my life.
    It all began one morning five years ago, while I was eating my breakfast at home, suddendly the telephone rang. It was a classmate of mine who wanted to ask me if we had gone trekking together to the mountains.
    Since it was such a wonderful day, sunny and warm, I immediately accepted his offer. Therefore I dressed, prepared my rucksack and I walked toward our meeting place.
    As I had arrived, we set off straight away along the path.
    My friend Eric seemed really happy. '' We should do that more often! ''
    He said cheerfully. After some hours of walking, suddendly we found ourselves facing a huge wild boar. The animal was right in the middle of the path and it was snarling at us out of sorts. Actually looking back, my friend was so frightened of it, who he could not even have a word! '' I must think quickly to a solution '', I thought to myself, because the situation was getting dangerous.
    So with some courage, I decided to run away and climb up the first tree I had seen, with my friend behind me. Meanwhile, despite the wild boar had run toward us, it didn't succeed in taking us.
    Fortunately after some minutes, the animal back in the woods and we handled to come down from the tree and get back home safe and sound.
    Now I realise, it was really an amazing day.

  2. #2
    februar's Avatar
    februar is offline Member
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    Default Re: would you please check my story?

    [QUOTE=lucakun;810288]Hi guys!

    Here I am with a new writing test.
    Would you please revise it?

    Here is the exam task:

    Your English teacher has asked you to write a short story for the school magazine.
    The story must begin with the following words.
    When I look back on it now, I realise it was the most exciting day of my life.

    When I look back on it now, I realise it was the most exciting day of my life.
    It all began one morning five years ago, while I was eating my breakfast at home, and suddenly the telephone rang. It was a classmate of mine who wanted to ask me if (Or: whether) we should go trekking together to the mountains.
    Since it was such a wonderful day, sunny and warm, I immediately accepted his offer. Therefore I got dressed, prepared my rucksack and I walked toward our meeting point.
    As soon as I had arrived, we set off straight away along the path.
    My friend Eric seemed really happy. '' We should do that more often! '' he said cheerfully. After some hours of walking, suddenly we found ourselves facing a huge wild boar. The animal was right in the middle of the path and it was snarling at us out of sorts. Actually looking back, my friend was so frightened of it (Or: shocked), that he didn’t get a word out! '' I must find a solution as quickly as possible '', I thought to myself, because the situation was getting dangerous.
    So with some courage, I decided to run away and climb up the first tree I saw first, with my friend behind me. Meanwhile, despite the wild boar had run toward us, it didn't succeed in its attempt to catch us. Fortunately after some minutes, when the animal was back in the woods and we managed to come down from the tree and get back home safe and sound.
    Now I realise, it was really an amazing day.

    The title should refer to the story: Don't write: Would you please check my story, but for example: The most exciting day of my life.

  3. #3
    lucakun is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: would you please check my story?

    [QUOTE=februar;810616]
    Quote Originally Posted by lucakun View Post
    Hi guys!
    Quote Originally Posted by lucakun View Post

    Here I am with a new writing test.
    Would you please revise it?

    Here is the exam task:

    Your English teacher has asked you to write a short story for the school magazine.
    The story must begin with the following words.
    When I look back on it now, I realise it was the most exciting day of my life.

    When I look back on it now, I realise it was the most exciting day of my life.
    It all began one morning five years ago, while I was eating my breakfast at home, and suddenly the telephone rang. It was a classmate of mine who wanted to ask me if (Or: whether) we should go trekking together to the mountains.
    Since it was such a wonderful day, sunny and warm, I immediately accepted his offer. Therefore I got dressed, prepared my rucksack and I walked toward our meeting point.
    As soon as I had arrived, we set off straight away along the path.
    My friend Eric seemed really happy. '' We should do that more often! '' he said cheerfully. After some hours of walking, suddenly we found ourselves facing a huge wild boar. The animal was right in the middle of the path and it was snarling at us out of sorts. Actually looking back, my friend was so frightened of it (Or: shocked), that he didn’t get a word out! '' I must find a solution as quickly as possible '', I thought to myself, because the situation was getting dangerous.
    So with some courage, I decided to run away and climb up the first tree I saw first, with my friend behind me. Meanwhile, despite the wild boar had run toward us, it didn't succeed in its attempt to catch us. Fortunately after some minutes, when the animal was back in the woods and we managed to come down from the tree and get back home safe and sound.
    Now I realise, it was really an amazing day.

    The title should refer to the story: Don't write: Would you please check my story, but for example: The most exciting day of my life.
    Thank you for your corrections!! I just have a question about the sentence ''we should go trekking''. Why did you use should?

  4. #4
    februar's Avatar
    februar is offline Member
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    Default Re: would you please check my story?

    [QUOTE=lucakun;810714]
    Quote Originally Posted by februar View Post

    Thank you for your corrections!! I just have a question about the sentence ''we should go trekking''. Why did you use should?
    You're welcome!

    In the direct speech you can ask: “shall we go trekking?”
    So, I took “should” because it's the past of “shall”. And it's a reported speech in the past.


    You could also say:
    It was a classmate of mine on the pone who had asked me whether we should go on a trek together to the mountains.

    It was a classmate of mine on the phone to suggest going on a trek together to the mountains.

    It was a classmate of mine on the phone who had suggested that we should go on a trek together to the mountains.

    Perhaps you should choose “in the mountains” because with “to the mountains” I understand from home to places near the mountains but not up to the mountains.

    februar (no teacher)

  5. #5
    jicc is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: would you please check my story?

    Hello! I am trying to improve my writing.
    Would you please revise it?

    This task is the Flash back technique that i cannot get the hang of:

    It was the most memorable summer of my life. I was so thankful that I received good remarks over all from school. As I spent my Last days at home I was overjoyed. As my departure date came near, my excitement grew but so did my sadness. I began to ponder on the draw backs to my little vacation. Like the fact that my childhood best friend would not be back home when I return to welcome me, and that my cousin had passed away so I was skeptical as to the environment I was entering into. On the bright side I was glad that I was going to be greeted by my grandfather, sisters friends and mostly family.

    Finally the day had arrived. I said my goodbye’s to my family and entered the departure doors, in a dose I began reminiscing on my last journey. I imagined my mother and I removing our shoes to go through with security rule check. I remembered our three hour wait, how I felt bored on alone whilst my mother napped. Then I began to realize the sudden increasing tone of voice of the airport employee caught my attention. I gladly handed her my passport, considering that this may just be the most memorable summer ever.

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