2) In your actual Personal Statement, I have marked in red each error, whether it is with spelling, grammar or punctuation.
3) Below these comments, I have written a suggested improved version. Please do not simply copy it and use it. Please read it carefully and see where the differences are. I have no idea what Bolton University require from a Personal Statement. Yours seems a little heavy on your actual qualifications and rather light on your reasons for wishing to study specifically at Bolton University and why you particularly want to do the International Foundation course.
My name is ......, I am 21 years old and I am hope to be accepted on the International Foundation course at Bolton University.
I completed high school four years ago, with a score of 80%. After that, I studied insurance at the Saudi Accounting Bank for two years.
I came to the United Kingdom in July 2010. I studied English in Oxford for six months from October 2010 until April 2011. I then moved to Manchester where I have been studying for seven months. I am due to continue studying at INTO Manchester until December 2011. I gained a 5 in IELTS at (place) in (month/year).