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  1. #1
    waleed007 is offline Newbie
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    Smile help me revise this essay how can i make it better. I need Frame of Reference

    Northern Virginia compare to my hometown Bangerabad is like earth compare to sun. According to NASA calculations, 1,000,000 Earths would fit inside the sun. My hometown Bangerabad is that many times smaller than Virginia is. Size is not the only difference in those two places. Northern Virginia and My hometown Bangerabad have completely diverse lifestyle, Environment and cost of living.
    In my hometown, lifestyle is very simple. In the morning Kids go to school, Fathers go to work and mothers stay home. There is only one school in the village, which consist of 2 teachers and less than 50 students. It was a one-room school when I was attending it, there was another room but a family lived in it and we student were not allowed. The schoolroom was actually the family Barn where they kept their Goats and Hens at night; one can imagine how it smelled in the morning. There are no jobs in the village, most man join army and are away from home for year. The ones that fail to get into army stay home and work the Farms. Women for the most of the time stay home; their daily life routine is cooking, cleaning and gossiping.
    In northern Virginia, everyone have different lifestyle. Everyone is doing their own thing. Kids go to school not to learn but to compete mentally and physically. Everyone have some kind of handheld device, listing to music text or calling their friends who are in the same building with them. Men and women go to work; some sit in office all day and stare at their computer screen all day. Other is doing physical work. Everyone is trying to earn more and more money.
    Another difference in my hometown Bangerabad and Northern Virginia is the Environment. My Hometown Bangerabad is very open. It is surrounded by mountains from all side like a fort with big huge walls. There are very few house and the rest are all open field. There are no concrete Roads. There are all sorts of animals out in the jungle from a rat to elephant. Weather is warm for the most of the year. Winters are very dry and there is never snow.
    Northern Virginia on the other hand has complete different environment. Clean air is hard to find. There are cars, thousand, and thousand of road. Everything is concrete most people donít even know how soil smells like. Most animals can only be found in a zoo. The weather is never stable, one minute its cold next minute its freezing cold. Even the summer is winter when you have barely any body fat like myself.
    Finally yet importantly, difference between my Hometown Bangerabad and Northern Virginia is cost of living. In my hometown, Bangerabad cost of living is extremely low. There are no cell phones, cable or water bills. A very small amount of money is spent on food, mostly none since very one have farms and grow their own food. Take my family for example we use wheat everyday in our diet, and for the last 15 year we have never bought wheat from market.
    In northern Virginia cost of living is extremely high. You have to pay bill for almost everything even water, people from my hometown laughed when I told them this. Fresh food is expensive and very few people can afford to buy it. There is cheap food, you can get a whole meal for a dollar but its not health freandly.

    Even though my hometown Bangerabad and northern Virginia is on the same plant in them there is a complete different worlds. Humans, animals and even the environment is different. One is no better than the other is and their difference make than unique.

  2. #2
    jahildebrandt is offline Junior Member
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    Re: help me revise this essay how can i make it better. I need Frame of Reference

    The type of help you receive could be different depending on what type of essay you need to write. Generally, when you ask for help with an essay, explain what the assignment is, otherwise people could assume something that's not related to the assignment and give you advice that may end up hurting your grade.


    When I read your essay, I wanted to know how you felt about the differences between Virginia and Bangerabad. Are there good things about Virginia compared to Bangerabad? Are there bad things? We can infer some things about how you feel, but they are just guesses. Explain why the things you've noticed are important to you and it will make it easier for the reader to understand how you feel coming to a strange new place.

    A few things: Bangerabad is a village, Virginia is a state. It's like if I compared the city of Raleigh to the entire country of Bangladesh. In the beginning of the essay, you mention Bangerabad is like the earth and Virginia is like the sun. You then mention how much bigger the sun is than the Earth. While I understand the idea you wish to convey, you don't need your second sentence to convey what you mean. It's just not important to your essay. It brings in irrelevant details and distracts from the point of your paper. Compare:

    Northern Virginia compare to my hometown Bangerabad is like earth compare to sun. According to NASA calculations, 1,000,000 Earths would fit inside the sun. My hometown Bangerabad is that many times smaller than Virginia is. Size is not the only difference in those two places. Northern Virginia and My hometown Bangerabad have completely diverse lifestyle, Environment and cost of living.
    to
    Northern Virginia compared to my hometown Bangerabad is like the sun compared to the earth. Just as the sun is one million times larger than the earth, my hometown Bangerabad is that many times smaller than northern Virginia . Size is not the only difference. Northern Virginia and Bangerabad have completely different environments, lifestyles, and costs of living.


    The second has the same meaning, but it gets to the point more directly and doesn't distract the reader.


    I hope I helped, and good luck on your assignment!

  3. #3
    waleed007 is offline Newbie
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    Re: help me revise this essay how can i make it better. I need Frame of Reference

    Well its a compare/ contrast essay. My thesis is missing Frame of reference other than that i can manage it myself. Thank you for replying

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