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  1. #1
    symaa is offline Member
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    Question Is there any grammatical mistake in my four lines?

    Hello,


    This is just some thoughts, I really want to know my mistakes.

    Be like a star, higher in your principles, brighter whenever you go and lighter in every dark place and in every distressed and hurt heart. Be a running and a renewed river, that irrigates the desert, and nothing contaminates its shining purity or impedes its torrent generosity
    Would you please comment and oint out my mistakes?
    Thank you..
    Last edited by symaa; 14-Nov-2011 at 21:19.

  2. #2
    se1234 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Is there any grammatical mistake in my four lines?

    The problem with critiquing poetry if that grammar rules can be bent or broken in pursuit of aesthetics. "whenever you go" sounds somewhat odd here. "whereever" might be better. "whenever" can be used, however. "lighter" can work here, but I think it would be taken to mean having a lighter heart in a dangerous situation, rather than brightening a metaphorically dark place. "and nothing contaminates" is jarring. "...with nothing contaminating its shining purity or impeding..." is better. Or "and let nothing contaminate...or impede..." "torrent" can be used there, but it sounds odd to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by symaa View Post
    Hello,


    These are just some thoughts, I really want to know my mistakes.

    Be like a star, higher in your principles, brighter whenever you go and lighter in every dark place and in every distressed and hurt heart. Be a running and a renewed river, that irrigates the desert, and nothing contaminates its shining purity or impedes its torrential generosity
    Would you please comment and point out my mistakes?
    Thank you..

  3. #3
    symaa is offline Member
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    Default Re: Is there any grammatical mistake in my four lines?

    Quote Originally Posted by se1234 View Post
    ........... "whenever you go" sounds somewhat odd here. "whereever" might be better. "whenever" can be used Yes, I think so, it's more better, however. "lighter" can work here, but I think it would be taken to mean having a lighter heart in a dangerous situation, rather than brightening a metaphorically dark place.Actually the expression ''dark places'' refers to a symbolic meaning, so that we can have many interpretation of it,
    "and nothing contaminates" is jarring .Did you mean by jarring: shocking ?? . "...with nothing contaminating its shining purity or impeding..." is better. Or "and let nothing contaminate...or impede..." "torrent" can be used there, but it sounds odd to me.
    I highly apperciate your comments and corrections.Thank you so much , it's very kind of you
    Have a nice day,

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