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  1. #1
    impressionist is offline Newbie
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    Default UC application personal statement--please help!

    Hi! I'm revising and finalizing my essays for UCs this weekend and I need advices and help from people. It's not quite finished yet though. I wrote it awhile ago and now that I read it again, I want to add and change some things.
    I'm planning on submitting this when I'm done revising the second statement and I really really really do need help.
    Your comments will be greatly appreciated and thank you so much for your time!

    Prompt: Describe the world you come from--for example, your family, community, or school--and tell us how your world shaped your dreams and aspirations.

    Last year's ethnicity breakdown of my school was: 13 American Indians, 247 Asians, 21 Pacific Islanders, 57 Filipinos, 841 Hispanic, 569 African Americans, 501 white, and 2 foreign exchange students. For the first time in the United States last year, a transgender was voted as the homecoming king. Several teachers on campus are openly gay. We have almost every kind of religious churches and temples in a very small city in LA, meaning students come from various religious backgrounds. Multicultural Literature is one of the most popular classes at school. The school emphasizes on intercultural education and the students value and celebrate cultural diversity. This is the kind of community I come from: diverse, yet harmonized.

    The strange thing is that I am so familiar and comfortable with this community that I did not even notice this diversity. Also, coming from a traditional Korean family living in the United States created the environment for me to grow as a culturally diverse person who can perceive the world in different points of view. For example, I practice American individualism of self-reliance and personal independence but engage relatively more collective and unified Korean characteristics. As a result, my thoughts and actions are well-balanced. Having friends of various ethnicities and interacting with different cultures on a daily basis were the norm and I really believed that it would be the same everywhere I go across the country until I started taking Multicultural Literature. Through that class, I realized, though it was hard, how many cultural problems we are dealing with and how accepting my community was in comparison. In the world that is constantly becoming localized and accessible, ethnical prejudice and discrimination is an on-going problem we must face; however, the world I come from showed that the world isn't black and white keys on a piano; it is the beautiful chords that composes the harmony and melody. Knowing this fact, I wanted to learn more about the societal cause of our the instinctive human response to categorical differences, and perhaps make a progress in which we learn to understand and respect others without judging them based on their ethnic background. My community shaped a person that I am, who tolerates and believes in fairness in equality among every one of all backgrounds.

  2. #2
    februar's Avatar
    februar is offline Member
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    Default Re: UC application personal statement--please help!

    [QUOTE=impressionist;826700]Hi! I'm revising and finalizing my essays for UCs this weekend and I need advice and help from people. It's not quite finished yet though. I wrote it a while ago and now that I read it again, I want to add and change some things.
    I'm planning on submitting this when I'm done revising the second statement and I really really really do need help.
    Your comments will be greatly appreciated and thank you so much for your time!

    Prompt: Describe the world you come from--for example, your family, community, or school--and tell us how your world shaped your dreams and aspirations.

    Last year's ethnicity breakdown of my school was: 13 American Indians, 247 Asians, 21 Pacific Islanders, 57 Filipinos, 841 Hispanics, 569 African Americans, 501 whites, and 2 foreign exchange students. For the first time in the United States last year, a transgender person was voted as the homecoming king. Several teachers on the campus are open-minded gays. We have almost every kind of religious churches and temples in a very small city in LA, meaning students come from various religious backgrounds. Multicultural Literature is one of the most popular classes at school. The school emphasizes on intercultural education and the students value and celebrate cultural diversity. This is the kind of community I come from: diverse, yet harmonious.

    The strange thing is that I am so familiar and comfortable with this community that I did not even notice this diversity. Also, coming from a traditional Korean family living in the United States created the environment for me to grow as a culturally diverse person who can perceive the world in different points of view. For example, I practice American individualism of self-reliance and personal independence but engage relatively more collective and unified Korean characteristics. As a result, my thoughts and actions are well-balanced. Having friends of various ethnicities and interacting with different cultures on a daily basis were (was?) the norm and I really believed that it would be the same everywhere I go across the country until I started taking Multicultural Literature. Through that class, I realized, though it was hard, how many cultural problems we have to deal with and how tolerant my community was in comparison. In the world that is constantly becoming localized and accessible, racial prejudice and discrimination is an on-going problem we must face; however, the world I come from showed that the world isn't black and white keys on a piano; it is the marvellous chords that compose the harmony and melody. Knowing this fact, I wanted to learn more about the societal cause of our the instinctive human response to categorical differences, and perhaps make a progress in which we learn to understand and respect others without judging them based on their ethnic background. My community shaped a person that I am, who tolerates and believes in fairness in equality among every one of all backgrounds.


    I would start with your family situation and then with the school.
    februar, no teacher

  3. #3
    impressionist is offline Newbie
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    Red face Re: UC application personal statement--please help!

    thank you for your help!
    I'm having a problem with how to start this essay. i think the opening sentence is very awkward and the essay is not overall coherent. I think that's because my sentence structures are all over the place... do you have any suggestions?
    and again, thank you! I really appreciate this

  4. #4
    impressionist is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: UC application personal statement--please help!

    This is another draft... does this sound better at all?





    37% Hispanic, 22% white, 25% African American, 14% Asian and Pacific Islander, less than 1% Native American, and two foreign exchange students: the ethnic breakdown of my school, according to last year's statistics. For the first time in the United States, a transgender was voted as the homecoming king. Several teachers on the campus are openly gays. We have almost every kind of religious churches and temples despite the small size of the city, meaning students come from various religious backgrounds. Multicultural Literature is one of the most popular classes at school. The school emphasizes on intercultural education and the students value and celebrate cultural diversity. This is the kind of community I come from: diverse, yet harmonious.

    The strange thing is that I was so familiar and comfortable with this community that I did not even notice this diversity. Having friends of various ethnicity and interacting with different cultures on a daily basis were the norm and I really believed that it would be the same everywhere I go across the country until I started taking Multicultural Literature. Through that class, I realized, though it was hard, how many cultural problems we have to deal with and how accepting my community is in comparison. In the world that is constantly becoming localized and accessible, ethnic prejudice and discrimination is an on-going problem we must face; however, the world I come from showed that the world is not black and white keys on a piano; it is the harmonious chords that the instrument plays to compose the melody as a whole. Knowing this fact, I want to learn more about the societal cause of our instinctive human response to categorical differences, and perhaps make a progress in which we learn to understand and respect others without judging them based on their physical characteristics. With that said, I am truly happy to be a part of the community that is always challenging the obstacles to overcome the cultural barriers. Moreover, coming from a traditional Korean family living in the United States created the environment for me to grow as a culturally diverse person who can perceive the world in different points of view. For example, I practice American individualism of self-reliance and personal independence but engage relatively more collective and unified Korean characteristics. As a result, my thoughts and actions are well-balanced and open-minded.
    The community and the family where all the cultures emerge together to interconnect through understanding and appreciation are the world I come from. My world has shaped the person that I am today: a person who appreciates multiculturalism and believes in fairness in equality among people of all backgrounds.

  5. #5
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    februar is offline Member
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    Default Re: UC application personal statement--please help!

    Quote Originally Posted by impressionist View Post
    thank you for your help!
    I'm having a problem with how to start this essay. i think the opening sentence is very awkward and the essay is not overall coherent. I think that's because my sentence structures are all over the place... do you have any suggestions?
    and again, thank you! I really appreciate this
    Is it possible that the following links are examples you are looking for? I found them here with usingEnlish.com


    http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/cvs-resumes-applications/158258-letter-motivation-please-help.html

    http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/editing-writing-topics/159299-motivation-letter.html

    http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/cvs-resumes-applications/147909-cover-letter-masters.html

    http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/cvs-resumes-applications/147025-motivation-letter-plz-check.html

    http://www.usingenglish.com/forum/cvs-resumes-applications/145227-letter-motivation-master-program-help.html

    februar

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