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  1. #1
    DreamingAnn is offline Newbie
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    Smile Help me to correct the grammar of my first fairytale!!

    Oblivion


    In a far away forest, deep within the mountains, hid a quiet and crystal clear lake. Inconspicuous it may be, yet a sip of water from it could lightly erase one’s memory, sad or happy, completely. That’s why it had always been guarded by a gorgeous Goddess. But oddly, or naturally, the fame of the Goddess’ beauty spread far more widely than the magical lake itself, and numerous knights, princes, or even kings all over the world wanted to find her and ask for her hand even though they had heard that none of their predecessors had even seen her face during those trials, let alone win her heart. Nevertheless, the searching passion had never been dampened.

    Until one day, when a young and perseverant king finally reached the lake after he went out of the serpent maze, survived from the lava swamp, broke the spell of the alluring witch, and slaughtered the fire dragon.

    The Goddess eventually revealed herself to the young king. “I’m impressed by your fortitude, for no other man had ever achieved what you did” said she, in her dreamy singing voice. “But I’m afraid this would be the end of your journey.”

    “Tell me, my beautiful Goddess, tell me how to win your heart!” the king asked fervidly.

    The Goddess slightly tilted her head, and smiled: “If you can drink up a bowl of water from the lake of oblivion and still remember me and your love for me, then I will certainly go with you.”

    Surely the king knew the power of the magical lake, but there was nothing could ever stop his determination, especially at this very moment. Without uttered a word, he knelt beside the lake and filled the bowl, and just before he could drink the water however, he saw a Roman number engraved in a smooth black rock beside him: XI.

    “What does this mean? The number of your suitors?” he asked bewildered.

    The Goddess said nothing, but he believed he saw a glimpse of sadness in her beautiful eyes.

    There was nothing more to say. Once again he gazed at her charming face and smiled softly. He drank up the water and fell into a deep sound sleep. Of course, he wouldn’t remember a thing after he woke up. That’s the magic of the lake.

    The Goddess pointed her finger to the rock with a sign, and the number engraved in it changed to XII. Then she went towards the sleeping king and caressed his curled golden hair, left a soft kiss on his forehead, and whispered:

    “Please! It’s a waste of your life, I beseech you, don’t fall for me, again.”

  2. #2
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Help me to correct the grammar of my first fairytale!!

    A charming story.. I have to go to work now, but I'll correct the English when I get back, if nobody else has got there first.
    Please do not edit your question after it has received a response. Such editing can make the response hard for others to understand.


  3. #3
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: Help me to correct the grammar of my first fairytale!!

    The corrections in red concern grammar/vocabulary.
    The alterations in green are my suggestions for improvemment in style.

    In a far away forest, hidden deep within the mountains,
    hid was a quiet, and crystal clear lake. Inconspicuous Concealed it may might be, yet a sip of water from it could lightly erase one’s memory (memories?), sad or happy, completely. (You can't 'lightly' erase something completely.)That’s why it had always been guarded by a gorgeous Goddess. ('beautiful' is more of a fairytale word than 'gorgeous'.) But oddly, or naturally, the fame of the Goddess’s beauty spread far more widely than that of the location of the magical lake itself, and numerous knights, princes, or and even kings from all over the world wanted to find her and ask for her hand, even though they had heard that none of their predecessors had even seen her face during those trials, let alone win her heart. Nevertheless, the searching passion had never been dampened.

    Until one day, when a young and perseveranting (determined ?) king finally reached the lake after (he went out of) finding his way through the serpent maze, survived froming the lava swamp, brokebreaking the spell of the alluring witch, and slaughtereding the fire dragon.

    The Goddess eventually revealed herself to the young king. “I’m impressed by your fortitude, for no other man hads ever achieved what you did” said she, in her dreamy singing voice. “But I’m afraid this wouldwill be the end of your journey.”

    “Tell me, my beautiful Goddess, tell me how to win your heart!” the king asked fervidly (ardently? passionately?).

    The Goddess slightly tilted her head, and smiled: “If you can drink up a bowl of water from the lLake of oOblivion and still remember me and your love for me, then I will certainly go with you.”

    Surely the king knew the power of the magical lake, but there was nothing that could ever stop his determination, especially at this very moment. Without uttereding a word, he knelt beside the lake and filled the bowl, and Just before he could drink the water, however, he saw a Roman number engraved in a smooth black rock beside him: XI.

    “What does this mean? The number of your suitors?” he asked, bewildered.

    The Goddess said nothing, but he believed he saw a glimpse of sadness in her beautiful eyes.

    There was nothing more to say. Once again he gazed at her charming face and smiled softly. He drank up the water and fell into a deep sound sleep. Of course, he wouldn’t remember a thing after he woke up. That’s was the magic of the lake.

    The Goddess pointed her finger to the rock with and made a sign, and the number engraved in it changed to XII. Then she went towards the sleeping king and caressed his curled golden hair, left a soft kiss on his forehead, and whispered:

    “Please! It’s a waste of your life,. I beseech you, don’t fall for me, again.”
    Please do not edit your question after it has received a response. Such editing can make the response hard for others to understand.


  4. #4
    DreamingAnn is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help me to correct the grammar of my first fairytale!!

    5jj-

    Thank you so much for your corrections!!!! A few questions here:

    1. Inconspicuous[/STRIKE] Concealed it may might be,

    What I was trying to express here is not it's secret location, but the common appearance of that lake, that is, it looked exactly like every other lake, only it was not. In such case, which word can I convey this meaning better?

    2. yet a sip of water from it could lightly erase one’s memory (memories?), sad or happy, completely. (You can't 'lightly' erase something completely.)

    one's memories? shouldn't it be singular?
    If you can't erase someone's memory "lightly", then which word would be more proper? "easily"? or? Oh, I do want to put a adv here.

    3. the fame of the Goddess’s beauty spread far more widely than that of the location of the magical lake itself...

    Actually, I didn't mean the location of it but, the "popularity" of the lake itself. Then, is that Ok to just say "more widely than the magical lake itself"? Or there's some better expressions?

    4. when a young and perseveranting (determined ?) king...

    Is "perseverant" a wrong word, or just seems awkward here?

    5. survived froming the lava swamp...
    Without uttereding a word...

    Here are my weak points!! I'm not very good at these "ing" stuff here, could you explain a little bit of grammar here for me? please!!

    Thanks a lot!!!!

  5. #5
    DreamingAnn is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help me to correct the grammar of my first fairytale!!

    Quote Originally Posted by 5jj View Post
    The corrections in red concern grammar/vocabulary.
    The alterations in green are my suggestions for improvemment in style.
    Hi 5jj,

    Did you see my questions?! I'm patiently waiting for your answer... Please!!!

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