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Thread: small story

  1. #1
    gauri_agr is offline Member
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    Default small story

    hi All,

    Please correct my story below

    ------------------------------

    There was a girl named Shiny who was seven year old. Shiny never liked that she always has to follow her mamaís rules. She used to think why she canít do certain thing which Mama and Papa can do. Why mama has to decide everything like what to eat, when to sleep, when to play, what to buy and almost everything. Itís been always a fight between mom and Shiny.

    One day Mom asked Shiny to clean her room as Mama has invited Shinyís friends for play date the next day. Shiny was excited but she announced that this time she will clean her room in her own way. She will rearrange her room. Mama tried to explain that she can rearrange her room at some other time but Shiny was not ready to follow her mamaís instruction this time. Mama allowed Shiny to rearrange and clean her room by herself. Shiny was too excited to take this responsibility all by herself. She shut the room and made a plan to rearrange her room. She has learned from her Mama that She need to organize her room in a way that things could be accessible easily. She thought of the ceiling would be a nice place to hang everything so that she can just lookup for anything and she will know where it is. She also got an idea to hang everything on the ceiling using a cello tapes. She somehow thought to discuss it with mama before implementing her ideas. Shiny called her Mama in her room for help. Mama liked her plan but advice her to hang just a few things to see it that works for her. If her idea works she can probably hang everything to the ceiling. Shiny had sparks in her eye. She started hanging all the puzzle pieces first. It took several hours her to hang all the puzzle pieces to the ceiling. She got tired and she got pain in her hand and in her neck as she never had her hand and neck up for so long.
    Shiny was very excited to have her friends next day. All the friends were amazed to see all the puzzle pieces to the ceiling. Suddenly one of the pieces fell down on one of the friendís head. Shiny was scared thinking that what if it would be heavy pieces of something. The puzzle pieces kept falling on one or the others head. The room was full of laughter. At some point Shiny invited her friends to play the puzzles. But it seems to be a very tedious job to find the puzzle pieces on the ceiling. Shiny made a plan in her mind and told her friends that today she has a different way of playing puzzles. She announced that what we all need to do is first chose any puzzle individually and then find all the pieces of that puzzle. Who will get all the pieces first will be the winner. All the friends started searching the pieces of the puzzle they choose. Since everyone was looking at the ceiling all the time, there were tummy to tummy and back to back collisions. The room was again full of laughter. All of then kept searching the pieces of their puzzle. All of them worked several hours but none of them got all and it was a time to leave everyone.

    Mama was very happy as the play date was a great success as no one fights for anything and every one laugh so much. Mama learned that she should allow some freedom to her daughter at some times. Mama asked Shiny if she wants to continue her idea of hanging everything to the ceiling. Shiny was so tired with her neck and hand that she just hugs her Mama and sleeps. When she woke up in the morning, she was in a good mood to follow her Mamaís rule at least for the day.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

  2. #2
    Gretchenplay is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: small story

    Hello gauri_agr,
    As you can see I have made many corrections, mostly because you kept changing the tense (please note the corrections in red)! Don't forget to be consistent.
    Nice story by the way.

    There was a girl named Shiny who was seven year old. Shiny never liked that she always has had to follow her mama’s rules. She used to think wonder why she can’t couldn't do certain things which Mama and Papa can could do. Why mama has had to decide everything like what to eat, when to sleep, when to play, what to buy and almost everything. It’s It had always been a fight between mom (why not continue using Mama?) and Shiny.

    One day Mom (I think you should be consistent. Is it Mom or Mama?) asked Shiny to clean her room as Mama has she had invited Shiny’s friends for a play date the next day. Shiny was excited, but she announced that this time she will wouldclean her room in her own way. She will would rearrange her room. Mama tried to explain that she can could rearrange her room at some other time, but Shiny was not ready to follow her mama’s instructions this time. Mama allowed Shiny to rearrange and clean her room by herself. Shiny was too very excited about to take having this responsibility all by to herself. She shut the room door and made a plan to rearrange her room. She has had learned from her Mama that she needed to organize her room in such a way that things could be accessible accessed easily.
    She thought of the ceiling would be a nice place to hang everything so that, whenever she needed anything, she can could just look up for anything and she will would know where it iswas. She also got an had the idea to of hanging everything on from the ceiling using a cello tapes. She somehow thought decided to discuss it with mama before implementing her ideas. Shiny called her Mama into her room for help. Mama liked her plan, but advice advised her to hang just a few things up first to see it that if her plan would work for her, and, if her idea works it did, she can could probably hang everything to the ceiling. Shiny had sparks in her eyes. She started hanging all the puzzle pieces first. It took several hours for her to hang them all the puzzle pieces to the ceiling. She got tired and she got pain in her hand and in her neck began to hurt as she had never had her hand and neck up for so long.

    Shiny was very excited to have her friends over the next day. All the friends of them were amazed to see all the puzzle pieces stuck to the ceiling. Suddenly one of the pieces fell down on one of the her friend’s heads. Shiny was scared thinking that and thought 'what if it would be one of the heavy pieces of somethinghad fallen on my friend's head?'. The puzzle pieces kept falling on one or the others her friends' heads. The room was full of laughter. At some point Shiny invited her friends to play with the puzzles, but it seems to be was a very tedious job to finding the puzzle pieces on the ceiling. Shiny made a plan in her mind had an idea, and told her friends that today she has had a different way of playing puzzles. She announced that what wethey all needed to do is was to first chose any puzzle individually and then find all the pieces of that puzzle. Whoever will gets all the pieces first will be the winner. All the friends Everyone started searching for the pieces of their puzzles they choose. Since everyone was looking at the ceiling all the time, there were tummy to tummy and back to back collisions. The room was again full of laughter. All of them kept searching the of for their puzzle pieces. All of them worked for several hours, but none of them got no one found them all, and it was a soon time for everyone to leave everyone.

    Mama was very happy as the play date was a great success. as No one fights had fought for over anything, and every one had laughed [STRIKE]so much[/STRIKE] a lot. Mama learned that she should allow her daughter some freedom to at sometimes. Mama asked Shiny if she wanted to continue her idea of hanging everything to the ceiling, but Shiny was so tired, with and her neck and hand were so sore, that she just hugged her Mama and sleeps fell asleep. When she woke up in the morning, she was in a good mood happy to follow her Mama’s rules, at least for the day.
    Last edited by Gretchenplay; 14-Dec-2011 at 06:55.

  3. #3
    gauri_agr is offline Member
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    Default Re: small story

    thank you so much. I don't know how to improve on "not to change the tenses". While speaking also I do the same mistakes. Ton of thanks and I will try to understand the mistakes you have marked red.

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