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  1. #1
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    Default Please need paragraph correction

    Hi Teachers,
    Could you correct this paragraph that I wrote please?

    We are in a pub. It is Monday, almost closing time, eleven o’clock. There are quite a few men in this pub, and also a few women. A mancalled Tim Scott is looking at his wallet. He wants some more beer. The trouble is he doesn’t have enough money for another one. In fact, he has little money, only a few coins, and he needs them to take the tube home. “Perhaps it’s time to go home,” he is thinking.

    Thanks a lot.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Please need paragraph correction

    Quote Originally Posted by learning54 View Post
    ... A manspacecalled Tim Scott is looking at his wallet. ... In fact, he has little money, only a few coins, and he needs them to take the tube home.
    There is nothing wrong with it grammatically., though I'd use 'that' (= money) rather then 'them' (=coins). I'd probably also say ''...he hasn't got much money (at all') rather than ''he has little money'.

    As the story continues, the reason for your use of present tenses may become clear; as it stands, it seems a little strange to me.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Please need paragraph correction

    Quote Originally Posted by 5jj View Post
    There is nothing wrong with it grammatically., though I'd use 'that' (= money) rather then 'them' (=coins). I'd probably also say ''...he hasn't got much money (at all') rather than ''he has little money'.

    As the story continues, the reason for your use of present tenses may become clear; as it stands, it seems a little strange to me.
    Thank you for your suggestion about 'money'.

    So sorry, but I don't understand your last comentary. Have I used the wrong tense for the story?

    L54

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Please need paragraph correction

    Quote Originally Posted by learning54 View Post
    . Have I used the wrong tense for the story?
    I did not say that. It is just that it is more normal to narrate a story in past tenses. You may have wished to make it more vivid by using a present tense.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Please need paragraph correction

    Quote Originally Posted by 5jj View Post
    I did not say that. It is just that it is more normal to narrate a story in past tenses. You may have wished to make it more vivid by using a present tense.
    Hi,
    Thanks a lot for your reply.
    Exactly, I've used the present tense to make it more vivid.

    Best,
    Learning

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Please need paragraph correction

    A very short passage in present is okay. My advice is that a longer story all in the present tense is exhausting for the reader.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Please need paragraph correction

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    A very short passage in present is okay. My advice is that a longer story all in the present tense is exhausting for the reader.
    Hi,
    Thank you for your advice.
    May I ask you something else please?
    Before the paragraph I asked for correction, and I've written more than just a few of them, I always write 'Read the following short story'. After your advice, I think it will be better to say 'Read the following short passage'. Will it be better this way, or is it just find the way I did it?

    Thanks in advance
    Last edited by learning54; 18-Dec-2011 at 16:33.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Please need paragraph correction

    If your passage tells a short story, then either is okay.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Please need paragraph correction

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    If your passage tells a short story, then either is okay.
    Thank you for your reply and help.

    Best,
    Learning

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