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  1. #1
    rainous's Avatar
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    Default Does this paragraph sound alright?

    Hi,

    Could you check these sentences I wrote below and tell me how it sounds?

    --More specifically, I have been struggling to fit the underlined phrase into the paragraph, but so far, have not been able to do so.

    Thanks for your help.

    I thought about fleeing to another city with my kids without him knowing but it seemed almost impossible. The school transfer for my kids alone required, unless I was a sole custodian of my kids, the approval of their father, not to mention the record of transfer which would be left in the register of the previous school unless I decided not to send them to school.
    Last edited by rainous; 19-Dec-2011 at 07:57.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Does this paragraph sound alright?

    Quote Originally Posted by rainous View Post
    Hi,

    Could you check these sentences I wrote below and tell me how it sounds?

    --More specifically, I have been struggling to fit the underlined phrase into the paragraph, but so far, have not been able to do so.

    Thanks for your help.

    I thought about fleeing to another city with my kids without him knowing but it seemed almost impossible. The school transfer for my kids alone required, unless I was a sole custodian of my kids, the approval of their father, not to mention the record of transfer which would be left in the register of the previous school unless I decided not to send them to school.
    It's a very good paragraph. The addition of the underlined section does make it a very long second sentence with a lot of commas. I would probably end the sentence at "register of the previous school" and add "The only way to avoid this would be to choose not to send my children to school in the new city" as a separate sentence at the end.

  3. #3
    rainous's Avatar
    rainous is offline Member
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    Default Re: Does this paragraph sound alright?

    Thank you so much for your kind words and the suggestion which I think is superb.

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