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    #1

    just a few lines

    hi All,

    I just wrote a story and this is the last paragraph of the story which I want to be reviewed. Any help would be great

    ........................................

    Mama realized that the Shiny had a better time than if she wouldn’t have allowed her to organize her room herself. She also observed that the Shiny had a great enthusiasm when trying the thing the way she wanted. She was amazed to see how her friends were engaged better than ever by themselves with a lot of laughter. Mama asked Shiny if she wanted to continue her idea of hanging everything to the ceiling. Shiny was so tired and her hands and neck were so sore that she just hugged her Mama and fell asleep. When she woke up in the morning, she understood that it takes experience to get the things working. For the first time she was happy to follow her Mama’s rule at least for the day.



    ----------------------------------


    Thanks
    Gauri

  1. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: just a few lines

    If the person's name is Shiny, then don't use "the" in front of it.

    It's hard to tell who is who with your use of "she" and "her." Which refers to Shiny and which to her mother?
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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    #3

    Re: just a few lines

    thanks Barb_D for this point. Let me correct it and send it again.

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