Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14
  1. #1
    AMK-future writer's Avatar
    AMK-future writer is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Pakistan
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    45
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    I have been writing a novel after reading thirty-four novel approximately. i think that (usingenglish.com) will help me get some more knowledge. i want to know that what people thinks about my book. please tell me how well it is written. comments will be appreciated. waiting for comments.


    CRIMSON RIDDLE:
    CHAPTER I: finally, the hegamont becomes the king


    “At last, I found.” He shouted with joy, gripping the book in his right hand while standing on two golden rods more likely elephant teeth. They were two of them, their size was about 7 foot or above endings meeting at the book that was lying opened on a violet stand.
    “What is it that you were searching for, master?” His servant said. His face was not ugly but was better than other four solider standing still in front of the golden rods. Every solider there was wearing green suit with coat and a hat.
    “First of all” He raged “I am no more master.” Still holding the book interested on what was written. His expressions showing that he was impressed by the secret golden book.
    “Than what you are my master?” solider replied. Others expressions were waiting for the respond. More likely, what was going to happen?
    “I am the king of this planet.” He cried with joy, his eyes were now off from the book and were now at his solider who was continuously asking questions. On the other hand the solider was feeling that the end of his life was this, this sticky end.
    “Now if you won’t mind. May I ask a question, my king?” the other solider replied who was behind the depressed solider. He was somehow braver than he looks for he barely had a meat on his skeleton.
    Yes, you all can ask as much questions as you want for then after I will give you no choice. He replied and came down from the gold slide on which he was standing on.
    “Sir-oh...King but how you are so sure that you will be able to defeat lord drake Jordan.”
    “Why is it difficult” the future king replied.
    Even for you it is as I think it’s really difficult, very difficult you see he has approximately 90 and 300 5 headed dragons for security and if you ask more than half of the planet is giving him support. All of them believe he is the king of planet ‘pilotonio’.
    “This is the greatest sign of being coward, having this much big army but what good it will do when the whole army including dragons cannot defeat a single person.”
    “But who is that person that won’t be crushed by this much army” the solider replied amazed.
    “It’s me. The king HEGAMONT and you all will see that how those cowards will run away and will never return.” He replied, and looked upon the other solider leaving the other one as it is. He was now drinking energy drink for he loosed all the strength drained during the eye contact with Hegamont.
    Edward, don’t try to move or it will be the worse for you. Hegamont said breaking his eye contact with second one and looking upon the first one.
    “But why I am to be stuck here. There is no reason to it.” He replied at once.



  2. #2
    Gretchenplay is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • New Zealand
      • Current Location:
      • South Korea
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    29
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    Nice stuff AMK-future writer,
    I offer a few suggestions, and must say good on you for writing a story in your second language! Amazing. Keep it up.



    “At last, I have found it.” He shouted with joy, gripping the book in his right hand while standing on two golden rods that were more than likely elephant teeth (or maybe tusks?). There were two of them,
    their size was each about 7 foot or above more in height, their endings meeting at the book that was lying opened on a violet stand. (I thought the book was in his right hand?)
    “What was it that you were searching for, master?” His servant
    said asked. His face was not ugly, but was better than the four other soldiers who were standing still in front of the golden rods. Every solider there was wearing a green suit, withcoat and [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] hat.
    “First of all” He raged “I am no more longer master” he said, still holding the book, interested in what was written in it. His expressions showed that he was impressed by the secret golden book.
    “Then what are you my master?” the solider replied (to be consistent, maybe you should write 'his servant replied'). The others' expressions showed they were waiting for the response, More likely, what was going to happen?
    “I am the king of this planet!” he cried with joy, his eyes were now off from the book and were now at onhis the solider who was continuously (persistently?) asking questions. On the other hand The solider was feeling that the end of his life was this, this sticky end (how is his end sticky?).
    “Now if you won’t don't mind, may I ask a question, my king?” the another solider, replied who was behind the depressed solider, asked. He was somehow braver than he looked for he barely had a any meat on his skeleton bones.
    "Yes, you all can ask as much many questions as you want for then aftersoon I will give you no choice" he replied and as he came down from the gold slide on which he was standing on.
    “Sir-oh...King, but how why are you so sure that you will be able to defeat lord drake Jordan?.”
    “Why would it be difficult?” the future (why future? you have already said that he is now king) king replied.
    "I think that even for you it is as it’s will be really difficult, very difficult, you see he has approximately 90 and 300 (could you say 390?) 5 headed dragons for security, and if you ask more than half of the planet is giving him support. All of them believe he is the king of planet ‘pilotonio’.
    “This is the greatest sign of being cowardice, having this much such a big army, but what good will it do when the whole army including dragons cannot defeat a single person?
    “But who is the person that won’t be crushed by this much (maybe immense? huge? massive?) army?” the solider replied amazed.
    “It’s me. The King HEGAMONT, and you all will see that how those cowards will run away and will never return.” He replied, and looked upon the other soliders leaving the other one as it is (I don't understand this.). He was now drinking an energy drink for he had lost all the his strength drained during the eye contact with Hegamont.
    Edward,(who is Edward?) don’t try to move or it will be the worse for you. Hegamont said breaking his eye contact with second one and looking upon the first one.
    “But why am I to be stuck here. There is no reason to for it.” He replied at once.



    (If Edward is the servant mentioned in the beginning of the story, I think you should call him by his name throughout. It will make the story less confusing)
    Last edited by Gretchenplay; 05-Jan-2012 at 14:14.

  3. #3
    AMK-future writer's Avatar
    AMK-future writer is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Pakistan
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    45
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    thanks for the reply Gretchen play, and i am really grateful to you for editing my work.
    should i post my book further on and if so will you guide me again? .
    your work made my book's first chapter professional. i am really thankful.

  4. #4
    AMK-future writer's Avatar
    AMK-future writer is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Pakistan
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    45
    Post Thanks / Like

    Cool Re: my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    do anyone think that my book will one day be published if i will work hard. i want fame.
    it's the fame i want and it's fame i will get.
    i love appreciations but when it is time to hear reality i close my ears.

  5. #5
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    752
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    AKM
    Unfortunately, I have to tell you that the text which you have posted here is so badly written that you will need at least 8 to10 years until you can write English properly. You make so much not only grammatical mistakes, but also stylistic errors which shows your poor knowledge of English. If you want to find a literally agent who would be willing to sell your novel to a publisher, your novel must be written without any mistakes. A literally agent usually gets hundreds of novels every year and chooses just a few. As you have never published anything before, your chances are slim, almost minimal. You will certainly need a professional proofreader and he or she will charge you at least 1500 UK pounds for proofreading your novel. And what would you do with your novel if nobody wants to publish it? Publishers and literary agents are only interested in money and they can pick and choose between thousands of writers. Why do you try to write a novel when it is such a hard job? Why don't you try to write short stories about your town and people who live there and after some years when your English has become better, you can try to write a novel.
    Last edited by Bassim; 05-Jan-2012 at 20:42.

  6. #6
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Retired English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Czech Republic
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    28,167
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    literally agent X .....literary agent.

  7. #7
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Retired English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Czech Republic
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    28,167
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    Bassim put it far more bluntly than I would have done, AMK, and I don't agree with everything s/he said (see below), but s/he is right in suggesting that you will have to pay a proofreader. A proofreader would have to virtually re-write your book before an agent would read beyond the first paragraph.

    If you are really determined to write in English, you need to work seriously on improving your command of the language. You could also try writing short articles or, as Bassim suggested, stories. Try submitting them to magazines.

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    AKM
    Unfortunately, I have to tell you that the text which you have posted here is so badly written that you will need at least 8 to10 years until you can write English properly.
    That is far too pessimistic.If AKM has the aptitude, a six-month full-time course could work wonders.
    You make so much many not only grammatical mistakes, but also stylistic errors, which shows your poor knowledge of English. If you want to find a literally agent who would be willing to sell your novel to a publisher, your novel must be written without any mistakes.
    Few writers manage that. It does not have to be mistake-free, but it certainly has to read smoothly. [...]

  8. #8
    AMK-future writer's Avatar
    AMK-future writer is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Pakistan
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    45
    Post Thanks / Like

    Unhappy Re: my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    well i think 5jj is right about me than bassim for he is student or learner. Mr.5jj if i will work hard on my grammar, will i be able to publish the novel in 1 year or so. about writing a short story, it is a good suggestion i will think about it and post it here. cant you help me in editing, any of you.
    i am writing further on because of Gretchen plays appreciation.
    I AM REALLY DEPRESSED AFTER READING YOUR COMMENTS.

  9. #9
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Retired English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Czech Republic
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    28,167
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    Sorry you are so depressed, AMK, but it is better to know before you have spent many hundreds of hours writing something that may have little chance of being accepted.

    You are hoping to achieve money and fame through your writing. I don't think you can expect anybody to give up many hours correcting your work for no pay. Professional writing does not work like that.

  10. #10
    AMK-future writer's Avatar
    AMK-future writer is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Urdu
      • Home Country:
      • Pakistan
      • Current Location:
      • Pakistan
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    45
    Post Thanks / Like

    Red face Re: my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

    MR.5JJ
    can you edit a book for i think you have experience. if i will work on my book for six months working hard after that is there any chance of being published and i heard that publish America take any author. will they take a writer like me.
    NOW I AM SATISFIED. i want to become a professional author like j.k Rowling or Christopher Paolina even if it takes 4 years or six years of my life.

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. I hand't written (haven't written)
    By keannu in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 05-Jul-2011, 12:07
  2. was written/has been written
    By ratóncolorao in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-Feb-2011, 12:14
  3. could this be written any better.
    By boozl in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 24-Apr-2010, 01:41
  4. [Grammar] Difference between I had Written and I have written
    By raylearnenglish in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 16-Nov-2009, 03:49

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •