my fisrt novel? please tell me how well it is written

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AMK-future writer

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I have been writing a novel after reading thirty-four novel approximately. i think that (usingenglish.com) will help me get some more knowledge. i want to know that what people thinks about my book. please tell me how well it is written. comments will be appreciated. waiting for comments.:-D


CRIMSON RIDDLE:
CHAPTER I: finally, the hegamont becomes the king


“At last, I found.” He shouted with joy, gripping the book in his right hand while standing on two golden rods more likely elephant teeth. They were two of them, their size was about 7 foot or above endings meeting at the book that was lying opened on a violet stand.
“What is it that you were searching for, master?” His servant said. His face was not ugly but was better than other four solider standing still in front of the golden rods. Every solider there was wearing green suit with coat and a hat.
“First of all” He raged “I am no more master.” Still holding the book interested on what was written. His expressions showing that he was impressed by the secret golden book.
“Than what you are my master?” solider replied. Others expressions were waiting for the respond. More likely, what was going to happen?
“I am the king of this planet.” He cried with joy, his eyes were now off from the book and were now at his solider who was continuously asking questions. On the other hand the solider was feeling that the end of his life was this, this sticky end.
“Now if you won’t mind. May I ask a question, my king?” the other solider replied who was behind the depressed solider. He was somehow braver than he looks for he barely had a meat on his skeleton.
Yes, you all can ask as much questions as you want for then after I will give you no choice. He replied and came down from the gold slide on which he was standing on.
“Sir-oh...King but how you are so sure that you will be able to defeat lord drake Jordan.”
“Why is it difficult” the future king replied.
Even for you it is as I think it’s really difficult, very difficult you see he has approximately 90 and 300 5 headed dragons for security and if you ask more than half of the planet is giving him support. All of them believe he is the king of planet ‘pilotonio’.
“This is the greatest sign of being coward, having this much big army but what good it will do when the whole army including dragons cannot defeat a single person.”
“But who is that person that won’t be crushed by this much army” the solider replied amazed.
“It’s me. The king HEGAMONT and you all will see that how those cowards will run away and will never return.” He replied, and looked upon the other solider leaving the other one as it is. He was now drinking energy drink for he loosed all the strength drained during the eye contact with Hegamont.
Edward, don’t try to move or it will be the worse for you. Hegamont said breaking his eye contact with second one and looking upon the first one.
“But why I am to be stuck here. There is no reason to it.” He replied at once.


 

Gretchenplay

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Nice stuff AMK-future writer,
I offer a few suggestions, and must say good on you for writing a story in your second language! Amazing. Keep it up.



“At last, I have found it.” He shouted with joy, gripping the book in his right hand while standing on two golden rods that were more than likely elephant teeth (or maybe tusks?). There were two of them,
[STRIKE]their size was[/STRIKE] each about 7 foot or [STRIKE]above[/STRIKE] more in height, their end[STRIKE]ing[/STRIKE]s meeting at the book that was lying open[STRIKE]ed[/STRIKE] on a violet stand. (I thought the book was in his right hand?)
“What was it that you were searching for, master?” His servant
[STRIKE]said[/STRIKE] asked. His face was [STRIKE]not[/STRIKE] ugly, but [STRIKE]was[/STRIKE] better than the four other soldiers who were standing still in front of the golden rods. Every solider there was wearing a green suit, [STRIKE]with[/STRIKE]coat and [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] hat.
“First of all” He raged “I am no [STRIKE]more[/STRIKE] longer master” he said, still holding the book, interested in what was written in it. His expression[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] showed that he was impressed by the secret golden book.
“Then what are you my master?” the solider replied (to be consistent, maybe you should write 'his servant replied'). The others' expressions showed they were waiting for the response, [STRIKE]More likely,[/STRIKE] what was going to happen?
“I am the king of this planet!” he cried with joy, his eyes were now [STRIKE]off from the book and were now at[/STRIKE] on[STRIKE]his[/STRIKE] the solider who was continuously (persistently?) asking questions. [STRIKE]On the other hand[/STRIKE] The solider was feeling that the end of his life was this, this sticky end (how is his end sticky?).
“Now if you [STRIKE]won’t[/STRIKE] don't mind, may I ask a question, my king?” [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE] another solider, [STRIKE]replied[/STRIKE] who was behind the depressed solider, asked. He was [STRIKE]somehow[/STRIKE] braver than he looked for he barely had [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] any meat on his [STRIKE]skeleton[/STRIKE] bones.
"Yes, you all can ask as [STRIKE]much[/STRIKE] many questions as you want for [STRIKE]then after[/STRIKE]soon I will give you no choice" he replied [STRIKE]and[/STRIKE] as he came down from the gold slide on which he was standing [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE].
“Sir-oh...King, but [STRIKE]how[/STRIKE] why are you so sure that you will be able to defeat lord drake Jordan?.”
“Why would it be difficult?” the future (why future? you have already said that he is now king) king replied.
"I think that even for you it [STRIKE]is as it’s[/STRIKE] will be really difficult, very difficult, you see he has approximately 90 and 300 (could you say 390?) 5 headed dragons for security, and [STRIKE]if you ask[/STRIKE] more than half of the planet is giving him support. All of them believe he is the king of planet ‘pilotonio’.
“This is the greatest sign of [STRIKE]being[/STRIKE] cowardice, having [STRIKE]this much[/STRIKE] such a big army, but what good will it do when the whole army including dragons cannot defeat a single person?
“But who is the person that won’t be crushed by this [STRIKE]much[/STRIKE] (maybe immense? huge? massive?) army?” the solider replied amazed.
“It’s me. [STRIKE]The[/STRIKE] King HEGAMONT, and you all will see [STRIKE]that[/STRIKE] how those cowards will run away and [STRIKE]will[/STRIKE] never return.” He replied, and looked upon the other soliders leaving the other one as it is (I don't understand this.). He was now drinking an energy drink for he had lost all [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] his strength [STRIKE]drained[/STRIKE] during the eye contact with Hegamont.
Edward,(who is Edward?) don’t try to move or it will be the worse for you. Hegamont said breaking his eye contact with second one and looking upon the first [STRIKE]one[/STRIKE].
“But why am I to be stuck here. There is no reason [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] for it.” He replied at once.



(If Edward is the servant mentioned in the beginning of the story, I think you should call him by his name throughout. It will make the story less confusing)
 
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AMK-future writer

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thanks for the reply Gretchen play, and i am really grateful to you for editing my work.
should i post my book further on and if so will you guide me again? :shock:.
your work made my book's first chapter professional. i am really thankful.:cool:
 

AMK-future writer

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do anyone think that my book will one day be published if i will work hard. i want fame.
it's the fame i want and it's fame i will get.
i love appreciations but when it is time to hear reality i close my ears.
:roll:
 

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Unfortunately, I have to tell you that the text which you have posted here is so badly written that you will need at least 8 to10 years until you can write English properly. You make so much not only grammatical mistakes, but also stylistic errors which shows your poor knowledge of English. If you want to find a literally agent who would be willing to sell your novel to a publisher, your novel must be written without any mistakes. A literally agent usually gets hundreds of novels every year and chooses just a few. As you have never published anything before, your chances are slim, almost minimal. You will certainly need a professional proofreader and he or she will charge you at least 1500 UK pounds for proofreading your novel. And what would you do with your novel if nobody wants to publish it? Publishers and literary agents are only interested in money and they can pick and choose between thousands of writers. Why do you try to write a novel when it is such a hard job? Why don't you try to write short stories about your town and people who live there and after some years when your English has become better, you can try to write a novel.
 
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5jj

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literally agent X .....literary agent. :tick:
 

5jj

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Bassim put it far more bluntly than I would have done, AMK, and I don't agree with everything s/he said (see below), but s/he is right in suggesting that you will have to pay a proofreader. A proofreader would have to virtually re-write your book before an agent would read beyond the first paragraph.

If you are really determined to write in English, you need to work seriously on improving your command of the language. You could also try writing short articles or, as Bassim suggested, stories. Try submitting them to magazines.

AKM
Unfortunately, I have to tell you that the text which you have posted here is so badly written that you will need at least 8 to10 years until you can write English properly.
That is far too pessimistic.If AKM has the aptitude, a six-month full-time course could work wonders.
You make so [STRIKE]much[/STRIKE] many not only grammatical mistakes, but also stylistic errors, which shows your poor knowledge of English. If you want to find a literally agent who would be willing to sell your novel to a publisher, your novel must be written without any mistakes.
Few writers manage that. It does not have to be mistake-free, but it certainly has to read smoothly. [...]
 

AMK-future writer

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well i think 5jj is right about me than bassim for he is student or learner. Mr.5jj if i will work hard on my grammar, will i be able to publish the novel in 1 year or so. about writing a short story, it is a good suggestion i will think about it and post it here. cant you help me in editing, any of you.
i am writing further on because of Gretchen plays appreciation.
I AM REALLY DEPRESSED AFTER READING YOUR COMMENTS. :oops::oops::oops:
 

5jj

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Sorry you are so depressed, AMK, but it is better to know before you have spent many hundreds of hours writing something that may have little chance of being accepted.

You are hoping to achieve money and fame through your writing. I don't think you can expect anybody to give up many hours correcting your work for no pay. Professional writing does not work like that.
 

AMK-future writer

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MR.5JJ
can you edit a book for i think you have experience. if i will work on my book for six months working hard after that is there any chance of being published and i heard that publish America take any author. will they take a writer like me.
NOW I AM SATISFIED. i want to become a professional author like j.k Rowling or Christopher Paolina even if it takes 4 years or six years of my life.:roll::roll::roll:
 

5jj

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5jj [...] can you edit a book for i think you have experience.
Sorry, but the answer is an emphatic No.

My profession is teaching and my hobby is grammar. I am not a proofreader, amateur or professional. You need English lessons before you go any further with your novel, and you will need a proofreader after you have written it. You will need to pay a professional for both services.
 

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Hello AMK,
I would suggest that you write a few short stories about your hometown, people who live there, or some other topic, about which you know well. You can write about the real or imaginary persons, but the most important is that these people have a character in your story and that you use your own imagination. First when you have achieved skilfulness in writing short stories you can try writing a novel. You have written that you have read about 35 novels, but that is a small number, and the question is what kind of novel did your read? For example, reading romance or fantasy novels do not enrich your vocabulary in the same way as literary fiction does. Finally, writing novel is a complex and time-consuming work and many writers spend a year or even more until a novel is finished.
 

AMK-future writer

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Dear Bassim,
it's a great idea of writing short stories. i will start it as soon as i am ready and when it is finished i will post it here in this thread.
if you ask about novels that what type of i have read, here are some {inheritance cycle}
{harry potter series}, {spooks series} and {skullduggery pleasant}.
waiting for a reply and it's okay if you cant edit dear 5jj, i have now another idea.
i will give my novel to my teacher and cousin to edit. :cool:
 

AMK-future writer

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i will write a short story then read your comments. if they will be positive i will write another and another if they too got thumbs up i will then start writing the novel again.
after editing my novel looks like this :
CHAPTER I: HEGAMONT ARISES.
“At last, I have found it.” He shouted with joy, gripping the book in his right hand while standing on two golden rods that were more than likely elephant tusks. There were two of them each about 7 feet or more in height, their end meeting at the book that was lying open on a violet stand before getting in the hands of this devil.
“What was it that you were searching for, master?” His servant Edward asked. His face was ugly, but better than the four other soldiers who were standing still in front of the golden rods. Every solider there was wearing a green suit, coat and strike hat.
“First of all” He raged “I am no longer master” he said, still holding the book, interested in what was written in it. His expression showed that he was impressed by the secret golden book.
“Then what are you my master?” his servant replied. The others' expressions showed they were waiting for the response, what was going to happen?
“I am the king of this planet!” he cried with joy, his eyes were now off on the solider who was persistently asking questions. The solider was feeling that the end of his life was this, this sticky end for he knew that if that abnormal is going to kill him then he will be wet with blood.
“Now if you don't mind, may I ask a question, my future king?” another solider, who was behind the depressed solider, asked. He was braver than he looked for he barely had any meat on his bones.
"Yes, you all can ask as many questions as you want for soon I will give you no choice" he replied as he came down from the gold slide on which he was standing.
“Sir-oh...King, but why are you so sure that you will be able to defeat lord drake Jordan?”
“Why would it be difficult?” the future king replied.
"I think that even for you it will be really difficult, very difficult, you see he has approximately 390 5 headed dragons for security, and more than half of the planet is giving him support. All of them believe he is the king of planet ‘pilotonio’.
“This is the greatest sign of cowardice, having such a big army, but what good will it does when the whole army including dragons cannot defeat a single person?”
“But who is the person that won’t be crushed by this huge army?” the solider replied amazed.
“It’s me. King HEGAMONT and you all will see how those cowards will run away and never return.” He replied, and looked upon the other soldiers. He was now drinking an energy drink for he had lost all his strength during the eye contact with Hegamont.
Edward, don’t try to move or it will be the worse for you. Hegamont said breaking his eye contact with second one and looking upon the first.
“But why am I to be stuck here. There is no reason for it.” He replied at once.

The second solider was running away for he thought this was the best moment to run away from the reach of that abnormal Hegamont, he was quarter way from the main gate when Hegamont gripped him through invisible bonds that tightened him cruelly. He quailed in pain but what he could do against Hegamont. Not only he but everyone here or in the world did not know what was written in the book.
“I will like to end your game here, right now.” Hegamont said rising his hand toward the second one and shouted: “laphorism” a red laser beam shoot away and hit on the chest of the deer solider. “You….are….insane” breathed the poor solider and suddenly he was still.
“You killed my best friend” shouted Edward “you think that only you are magician, I will show you what magic is.” Then he took out a wand that was bright blue in color and the endings were shining in red.
He pointed it at the chest of the murderer and shouted “Rambo kister”
Rainbow color beam released from the wand and enlightened the Hall and everybody next to Edward was blown away except Hegamont, even the hall was quaked and was blown away and the bricks were falling down on Edward and Hegamont for there was no one left.
“You think you will be able to kill me by this wand.” You could have hoped to kill me by hand magic but this, this will do nothing to me and by the way I am unfortunately, ultimate and invulnerable. All credit to the book.” Hegamont said sounding proud on him, and amazed that Edward was still standing.
“Will you tell me that what was on that tiny golden book that makes you invincible?” Edward said hopeless.
“This little book was holding 12 forbidden spells. That’s why it is known as “DEAD 12”. Once you learned them you are invincible. Only the great kings of past were able to follow the right path after learning these spells.”
“That’s why you are able to stand even after the dark spell”
“Yes, but there is something I don’t understand”
“What”
“How you are able to stand even after the bricks fall upon you.”
“Ah, so you do not know this. It is to be ashamed for.”
“I want answer not advice” Hegamont said then spluttered out “servant”
“Not yours” Edward said not minding at all.
“Sipsterk” said Hegamont pointing his hand at the opponent’s chest.
The opponent was blown a mile away and was lying on the broken bricks.
“The king will be joining you soon” he said and disappeared into thin air leaving the dust to rustle.
“Son of a ….” Even before completing his sentence he left the world for good.










waiting for a good reply. tell me that is it it better than before. :-|:-|:-|:-|:-|
 
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