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  1. #1
    arkanegarant is offline Newbie
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    Post Business comm-Poem

    In Memory of Mary Newton Bruder
    I hear participles weeping
    as they dangle over her grave
    wet as the soggy sentences
    of students who pour over textbooks.
    I see the company stationary
    forced to a standstill.
    Who can it turn to,
    from whence will it seek advise?
    Will it be able to continue on?
    Neat little subjects and objects
    stand two abreast
    like an honor guard in the cemetary,
    loyal as slaves sent to follow
    their master out of the world.
    The affect would amuse her
    but at this point in time
    I can no longer illicit
    her secret smile,
    the baptism of her soft blue pencil.
    Poem by Margaret Menamin

    There are no less than 8 issues with this poem.

    Here is my variant:

    I hear participles are weeping
    as they dangle over her grave
    wet as the soggy sentences
    of students who pour over textbooks.

    I see the company stationary
    forced to a stand still.
    Who can it turn to,
    from whence will it seek advise?
    Will it be able to continue on?

    Neat little subjects and objects
    stand two abreast
    like a honor guard in the cemetery,
    loyal as slaves who have been sent to follow
    their master out of this world.

    The effect would amuse her
    but now
    I can no longer illicit
    her secret smile,
    baptism of her blue pencil.

    What did I miss?

    Thanks a lot!!!
    Last edited by arkanegarant; 11-Jan-2012 at 14:54. Reason: Good Karma

  2. #2
    Gretchenplay is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Business comm-Poem

    In Memory of Mary Newton Bruder

    I hear participles weeping
    as they dangle over her grave
    wet as the soggy sentences
    of students who pore over textbooks. (1. commonly confused)
    I see the company stationery (2. commonly confused)
    forced to a standstill.
    Who can it turn to,
    from whence will it seek advice? (3. commonly confused)
    Will it be able to continue on? (4. on is redundant here as to continue already conveys the sense of progression)
    Neat little subjects and objects
    stand two abreast
    like an honor guard in the cemetery, (5. common misspelling)
    loyal as slaves sent to follow
    their master out of the world.
    The effect would amuse her (6. commonly confused)
    but at this point in time
    I can no longer elicit (7. commonly confused)
    her secret smile,
    the baptism of her soft blue pencil.
    Poem by Margaret Menamin

    Cannot for the life of me find the last one. let me know if you get it. Perhaps it is something to do with dangling participles?
    Last edited by Gretchenplay; 12-Jan-2012 at 05:35.

  3. #3
    arkanegarant is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Business comm-Poem

    Thanks a lot. Now I see some new mistakes!

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