Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    netgeek is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Sinhalese
      • Home Country:
      • Sri Lanka
      • Current Location:
      • Sri Lanka
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    17
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Please can some proofread this letter

    Dear prof. mmmmm,

    Thank you very much for providing me with theses valuable information. I went(have gone) through your university and department web sites and found many interesting research topics which match my expectation.So I'm very much like to commence my career as a graduate student at university of cccccc

    That being said, albeit I'm very much interested about your faculty and programs I hesitate to apply for the UC for several reasons.

    1.whether my qualifications are good enough(Specially GRE score)

    I, ....xxxxxx.......... was a graduated from University of nnnnnn,bbbbbbb with BSc special degree on Molecular biology and Biochemistry obtaining Honors pass and overall GPA of 3.51(when adjusted to USA system). I have already taken TOEFL iBT test (90) and GRE revised test (Quantitative-153/170, Verbal- 142/170 , Analytical writing -3.5 ). I'm currently working as research coordinator for breast cancer trial at National Cancer Institute ,mmmmmm, ssssss, and previously employed as a teaching assistant for undergraduate and MS student at Department of chemistry, Faculty of science, University of bbbbbb,Sri Lanka.I have attached my resume for your perusal, which provides further details about me.As per information provided on UC website, your faculty expecting GRE score of 460 for verbal and 4.0 for analytical writing which clearly above what i have achieved.

    2.Deadline and fee waiving

    I only be able to obtained my official transcript copy this week and I notice that deadline for the international application is 15th which is tomorrow.therefore I would like to know weather your department would accept my application if I send it before 20th and whether I would still able to waive my application fee ?


    I'm kindly expecting positive reply from you.
    Thank you very much for your time and consideration

    Respectfully
    xxxxxxxx


    Thank you very much for the workIn advanced

  2. #2
    alecrn is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please can some proofread this letter

    I'll go through your paragraphs one at a time and show some suggestions. I'll highlight what I'm commenting on in red and provide a number after the text which I will refer to in my suggestions. Some of these are not quite errors, but I might suggest something that sounds better.

    Dear prof (1). mmmmm,
    (1) You should probably capitalize prof (Prof.) because it is a title.

    Thank you very much for providing me with theses (1) valuable information. I went(have gone) (2) through your university and department web sites and found many interesting research topics which match my expectation (3). (4) So I'm very much like to (5) commence my career as a graduate student at university of cccccc (6)
    (1) "Theses" is the plural of "thesis." I am guessing you meant "these." A better word would be "this," as in "Thank you very much for providing me with this valuable information."

    (2) Either "went" or "have gone" would be good here. "Went" is shorter, so try "went."

    (3) I believe you want a slightly different word than "expectation." An expectation is something you think will happen, so not always what you want to happen. Try "goals," which will better express your desires.

    (4) Remember to have a space after this period.

    (5) The grammar here is strange to me. Try "As a result, I'm much more likely to commence my career as a graduate student at the university of cccccc."

    (6) Remember to put a period here.

    That being said, albeit (1) I'm very much interested about (2) your faculty and programs (3) I hesitate to apply for (4) the UC for several reasons.
    (1) "Albeit" is used before a noun. For example, "Albeit the rain, we went outside." If you wish to express this with a clause, use "although." For example, "Although it was raining, we went outside." Remember that a clause is like a little sentence with a subject and verb. Therefore, your sentence should be "That being said, although I'm very much interested about your ..."

    (2) The preposition "in" sounds better here, as in "... I'm very much interested in your faculty and programs..."

    (3) You need a comma here because you have a dependent clause, where "I'm very much interested in your faculty and programs" is separate from "I hesitate to apply for the UC for several reasons."

    (4) The preposition "to" sounds better here, as in "... I hesitate to apply to the UC for several reasons."

    1. (1)whether my qualifications are good enough(Specially GRE score)
    (1) You need a space after the period: "1. Whether my ..."

    I, ....xxxxxx.......... was a graduated (1) from University of nnnnnn, (2) bbbbbbb with BSc special degree on (3) Molecular biology and Biochemistry obtaining Honors pass and overall GPA of 3.51 (4) (when adjusted to USA system). I have already taken TOEFL iBT test (90) and GRE revised test (Quantitative-153/170, Verbal- 142/170 , Analytical writing -3.5 ). I'm currently working as research coordinator for breast cancer trial at National Cancer Institute , (5)mmmmmm, ssssss, and previously employed as a teaching assistant for undergraduate and MS student at Department of chemistry, Faculty of science, University of bbbbbb, Sri Lanka. (6) I have attached my resume for your perusal, which provides further details about me. (7) As per information provided on UC website, your faculty expecting (8) GRE score of 460 for verbal and 4.0 for analytical writing which clearly above what i have achieved (9).
    (1) This should either be "was a graduate" or "was graduated" or "graduated." I would recommend "graduated." Also remember to put a comma after "....xxxxxx.........."

    (2) Be sure to have a space after this comma.

    (3) "In" sounds a little better here.

    (4) Be sure to have a space before the parenthesis.

    (5) Remember to have a space after a comma, and not before. So "... Institute, mmmm, ..."

    (6) Be sure to have a space after the period and comma here.

    (7) You need a space after this period.

    (8) "Expecting" is not a verb when alone. Try "is expecting" or "expects." I would use "expects."

    (9) The grammar is strange here. I think you mean "which, as clearly shown above, I have achieved." Also be sure to capitalize the "i."

    2. (1) Deadline and fee waiving
    (1) Be sure to have a space after this period.

    I only be able to obtained (1) my official transcript copy this week and I notice (2) that deadline (3) for the international application is 15th (4) which is tomorrow.therefore (5) I would like to know weather (6) your department would accept my application if I send it before 20th (7) and whether I would still able to waive my application fee ? (8)
    (1) Try "I was only able to obtain"

    (2) Use the past-tense. Try "noticed."

    (3) You need an article here. Try "the deadline."

    (4) Try "the 15th"

    (5) You need a space after the period and you need to capitalize "therefore" to "Therefore."

    (6) "Weather" refers to state of the sky (like raining, or sunny). You want "whether" here.

    (7) Try "the 20th"

    (8) Your sentence is not constructed as question, so use a period instead of a question mark.

    I'm kindly expecting positive reply from you (1).
    Thank you very much for your time and consideration (2)
    (1) As a native speaker, this sounds slightly strange. It might sound better to say "I hope you have good news for me."

    (2) Be sure to have a period.

    Respectfully (1)
    Be sure to have a comma after "Respectfully"

    Okay, I hope that helps you! Please do not be discouraged by my corrections. I am impressed by how well you, as someone learning English, can use the language. Also, congratulations on your academic achievements! I hope you receive good news.

  3. #3
    netgeek is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Sinhalese
      • Home Country:
      • Sri Lanka
      • Current Location:
      • Sri Lanka
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    17
    Post Thanks / Like

    Thumbs up Re: Please can some proofread this letter

    Thank you so much for your time and valuable advices Alecrn.

  4. #4
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Retired English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Czech Republic
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    28,168
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please can some proofread this letter

    alecm did indeed do a thorough and helpful job on your letter, netgeek. Before I note one correction, I have to say that it was a far better job than I could have done.

    One small point: 'albeit' is far more commonly used before adjectives and adverbs than before a noun. "Albeit the rain, we went outside" sounds wrong to me. Indeed, in the 3,871 citations of 'albeit' in COCA, I found only one in which 'albeit' was used in this way, when 'despite' would be used by most speakers.

    As alecm said 'although' is the word you need in your sentence.
    Please do not edit your question after it has received a response. Such editing can make the response hard for others to understand.


  5. #5
    netgeek is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Sinhalese
      • Home Country:
      • Sri Lanka
      • Current Location:
      • Sri Lanka
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    17
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please can some proofread this letter

    Duly noted 5jj .Thanks

  6. #6
    mrym is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    1
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please can some proofread this letter

    Dear Professor ...
    Sorry for being late, we had some sort of holidays in Iran,
    I'm looking forward to get the project description and submit it.
    I wish that your hope come true soon.
    Best regards.
    ...

Similar Threads

  1. Could you help me proofread the following letter?
    By chowbarry in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 31-Jul-2011, 12:50
  2. Could you please proofread my letter
    By ARUK2008 in forum Letter Writing
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 26-Oct-2010, 02:19
  3. Please proofread this letter for me
    By Jayda in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 09-May-2010, 06:26
  4. Informal letter - pls. proofread my letter
    By popsie in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 26-Mar-2008, 06:07

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Hotchalk