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    mistercool is offline Newbie
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    Default What do you think of my story so far

    Quest For Sam
    Chapter 1: long way back…

    The sun shone down brightly on the two horsemen as they travelled. They had been delivering trade to a nearby land. The trailers that they had used to carry the trade were still bumping up and down behind them, this made the journey twice as hard (or at least for the horses). The tall dark-haired man on the right, was Dean, who was very muscular and was riding slightly slower than Jack on the left, who was barely taller, but not quite as muscular. The two men had been travelling for hours through seemingly endless, empty fields, but with the searing heat, it felt like days. A sign of relief ahead: the forest that they passed earlier that day. The forest meant that they were nearly home, and the trees would shade them from the heat, but just for a while.
    Two hours later, they finally arrived at their destination: the castle, just as the sun was setting. The men dismounted their horses and entered through the castles towering, wooden doors. The castle was huge; it was made of stone and at the highest point must be at least five-hundred feet tall. The inside of the castle was just as spectacular as it looked from the outside. It had a countless number of rooms and it was beautifully decorated. All of the corridors were made from stone, but were brighten up by flaming torches and colourful artwork. It was so spectacularly huge, that even after 20 years of being in it for the majority of the day, Dean still found it hard to find where he was meant to go; This time however he made it to master Kyle’s room ok (with a little help from Jack!) Jack knocked on the door twice, the sound echoed throughout the corridor. The door opened, stood in the doorway of a dark room, in which the walls were cramped with bookshelves, there was a small window and a desk stood in middle, was Master Kyle. He was the leader of Hydon, their home land; he was also leader of the Hydon army. There are two types of warriors, those who use magic and those who use weapons, like swords and bow and arrows. You must choose when you are young, magic or weapons. Dean used magic and Jack used weapons. You could probably tell by the look of Kyle, which path he took… magic. Old with long grey hair and a seemingly always happy face, you might be mistaken in to thinking he was just a weak old man, you would be wrong, master Kyle is one of the most powerful magicians to ever live. “Dean! Jack, did you deliver the crops ok?” said Kyle.
    “Yes, we did, but the collectors did not seem too happy when we gave it to them!” said Jack. Kyle’s expression did not change when he told him this.
    “Do you know why this may be master?” Said Dean.
    “I think so, yes… as you know, we are a bit short of crops this year, due to the persistent heat, a few days ago I told master Dan, leader of mazdon, if you did not already know, that we are a bit short on crops and that we can only give what we can afford to give. But with the conflict that we share he obviously thought that we were cheating on him, and now he has gone and told everyone the same thing.” That made sense, thought Jack, there had always been conflict between Hydon and Mazdon, therefore, just like Kyle had said, they thought that Hydon was cheating them. “well, as long as you took he trade…thank you for your help.



    Chapter 2

    Dean and Jack trained most days at the castle. They studied in different parts of the castle because they both fought differently; Dean used magic and Jack used weapons. They meet together every day before they went to the castle to train. ”What do you think about this whole crop business?” said Jack.
    “I don’t know… let’s just hope that it doesn’t get out of control and expel into something much worse, we’ve been close to war with Mazdon far too many times, they like to make big deals out of things and make it out to be our fault! I bet they know that we are telling the truth, they just want to cause trouble!” ranted Dean. Jack and Dean had known each other since they were born, now Jack was 24 and Dean 25, they were very good friends. Hydon was a beautiful, it was mainly fields, streams and forests but there was quite a few little villages and of course the castle which dominated the skyline of the west to the village where Jack and Dean lived. The two men were nearing the castle when they saw something that surprised them, hundreds of people walking out of the castle. “What’s happening? Why is everyone leaving?” Jack asked someone that he only knew by sight.
    ”I’ve only heard rumors, but I think that we’ve all been told that there is no training today because master Kyle is having an urgent meeting with the leader of Mazdon, master… master Dan I think he’s called” Jack and Dean exchanged looks, they knew what this meant. That cannot be good.


    So, you’re telling me that you’ve had terrible droughts, therefore you have had a shortage of crops” said Dan in nothing more than a whisper.
    ‘Yes,’ said Kyle.
    “I don’t believe you!”
    “Why ever not!” said Kyle with a smirk upon his face, he seemed to be finding the whole situation quite amusing! But then then something happened that wiped the smirk on kyles face straight off. Dan had drawn his sword and was pointing it straight towards Kyles neck. Kyle looked down upon him with disgust. The sword was glistening in the little sunlight that was let into the room by the tiny window.Dan was the complete opposite of himself. Short, bald and he didn’t use magic.
    “nobody laughs at master Dan!” half shouted the sinister man.
    ” It’s hard not to” whispered Kyle making sure it was just loud enough for Dan to hear. Dan was quick to react, he thrusted the sword forward, but he wasn’t quick enough for Kyle. “Not fast enough!” he shouted to his opponent as put his hand forward and watched as a bolt of purple light shot out of his hand and Dan was thrown off is feet, he seemed to hang in midair for a few seconds, before landing hard on his left side on the hard stone floor.” I’ve always said magic always beats sword, it appears that yet again, I am right!” Dan hurried to his feet, clearly in pain, blood gushing from a wound on his hand and clutching his left arm, then left the room.


    Dean and Jack watched as master Dan scurried down the corridor; he hadn’t noticed them. ”let’s go in and see him” said Jack. Jack opened the door. Master Kyle didn’t notice them straight away; he was busy cleaning the blood that Dan had lost (using magic of course).
    “ermm… master, are you… OK?” said Dean with a shaky voice.
    “W-what! Have you been watching the whole time!? Said kyle, also in a shaky voice.
    “well… yes, but it was only because we wanted to make sure you were OK. We heard that master Dan had come to speak to you, and we knew that you and him were having a bit of trouble at the moment, so we wanted to make sure that it didn’t spiral out of control, but well… it did!” said Jack. Dean and Jack watched master Kyle; they were worried he might shout at them. But when he spoke, he was quite calm.
    ”Well then, I suppose you saw my admirable fighting skills!” The two men didn’t know what to say or do. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to shout. At the end of the day, you were doing a great thing, making sure I was safe. Why should I be angry?” said master Kyle, with a smile upon his face. Dean found the whole situation extremely akward; he just wanted to go home.


    Chapter 3
    Dean lived by himself. He had lived with his parents until he was eighteen, his mother lived just a few minutes walk away. Unfortunately, the same could not be said for jack. When he was only young, his parent’s had went missing. Jack could barley remember his parents, so he couldn’t really miss them, but now, like Jack, he also lived by himself. The houses in Hydon were all made from stone; it was the same stone that the castle was made out of. Not many people liked having to use stone for houses, but you got used to it after a while. Jack was woken early that morning by people visiting the nearby market. He lay in bed in the hope of a few more hours sleep… it was no good. More and more people were visiting, all dressed in the traditional Hydon clothing: light brown shirts and trousers (nobody liked them, but it was tradition). The reason why the people were visiting the market so early, was because of the shortage of food, as a result of the drought there wasn’t enough food for everyone, therefore people were trying to get the food before anyone else had a chance to. Jack sat on the edge of his bed, he had given up hope of getting back to sleep. He was still shaken by yesterday’s events, he had a terrible feeling about the futures events as an effect of yesterdays events. The young man got up and got dressed. Jack was meeting Dean in the village later that morning, but Jack was starting to regret it; he was exhausted, although he didn’t have any training that day so he wont be doing anything that needed too much exercise that day. He didn’t know how wrong he was.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: What do you think of my story so far

    Try posting this in the "Editing and Writing" section of the forum and you will have more help. This is far too long for this section, which is really designed for individual, specific questions about aspects of the language.

    Thanks.

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