[Essay] Essay

[Mishishka]

Hey everybody, I would be glad if you could help me

There is a common tendency nowadays that people watch way too many sporting events with professional athletes competing with each other. The issue is that a lot of people insist that watching such things on TV or on the stadium is a sheer waste of time. Whether I agree with this statement or not, it was, is and will probably be a double-edged sword problem.
As for my perspective on this issue. I suppose that as barely everywhere you should strike the balance. In other words, you should watch some sporting events because by doing this you get a motivation to move forward and also are able to learn new tricks from the best. On the other hand, the dark side of the coin is that people tend to watch more that actually do sports and that’s bad.
Thus drawing a conclusion I would say that in my opinion stating that watching athletes compete is a complete waste of time is not reasonable, but you shouldn’t forget to do real things except of just watching.

The question was "Would you agree that watching athletes compete in sporting events is a sheer waste of time? Justify your answer." Unfortunately I am restricted only to 180 words... Any king of feedback is appreciated.
Thx

 

[Mishishka]

Please.. I am really running out of time

 

[Gretchenplay]

Hello Mishishka,
here's my offering. Hope it helps.



There is a common tendency nowadays, [STRIKE]that people[/STRIKE] amongst many people, towards watching [STRIKE]way too many[/STRIKE] (try to maintain a level of formality in your essay) professional sporting events [STRIKE]with professional athletes competing with each other[/STRIKE]. [STRIKE]The issue is that[/STRIKE] A lot of people insist that watching such things on TV or [STRIKE]on the[/STRIKE] at a stadium is a sheer waste of time. [STRIKE]Whether I agree with this statement or not, it was, is and will probably be a double-edged sword problem. [/STRIKE](This sentence does not make much sense. I would remove it entirely.)
[STRIKE]As for my perspective on this issue. I suppose that as barely everywhere you should strike the balance. In other words,[/STRIKE] (this sentence doesn't make much sense and is very long winded) In my opinion, you should watch some sporting events because by doing this you get the motivation to move forward and also you are able to learn new tricks from the best. On the other hand, [STRIKE]the dark side of the coin is that [/STRIKE] people tend to watch more sport than they actually do [STRIKE]and that’s bad[/STRIKE].
[STRIKE]Thus drawing a conclusion I would say that in my opinion stating [/STRIKE] In conclusion it is not reasonable to say that watching athletes compete is a complete waste of time, but you shouldn’t forget to do real things besides just watching.


You have been given just 180 words to argue your point, so you must be concise. In blue I have highlighted some cliches that you definitely should remove. They are cluttering your essay, and add nothing to your argument.

I notice that you use a lot of "padding", stuff that fills out your essay, but has no content. For example: As for my perspective on this issue. I suppose that as barely everywhere you should strike the balance. In other words... This is totally unnecessary, and suggests to the marker that you don't really have a clear idea of what you are writing.

I suggest you strip away all the unnecessary stuff (as I have done below). You now have about 100 more words to work with! Try and expand on your arguments, but remember to BE CONCISE.

Many people like watching professional sporting events, whether it be live or on TV. A lot of people insist that watching such things is a sheer waste of time. In my opinion, you should watch some sporting events because by doing this you get the motivation to move forward and also you are able to learn new tricks from the best. On the other hand, people tend to watch more sport than they actually do. In conclusion it is not reasonable to say that watching athletes compete is a complete waste of time, but you shouldn’t forget to do real things besides just watching.​

 

[Mishishka]

Thank you for your suggestions. I apreciate it.

If somebody here is still curious here is the essay edited by my american friend who teachs literature

There is a common tendency nowadays, where people find themselves watching many more sporting events, where professional athletes compete. One issue is that many people insist that watching such things on TV or at the stadium, is an utter waste of time. Whether or not I agree with this statement, one thing is sure. People will always have disagreeing opinions.

As for my perspective, I suppose that with everything, it is best to strike a balance. As it applies to this topic, people should watch sporting events because they can motivate people to play sports, and learn strategies about sports that they can apply to their lives. On the other hand, there are people that only watch sports and hardly do much else, and that can be described as a waste of time.

In conclusion, I would say that watching athletes compete is not a complete waste of time, as long as people manage their time reasonably. Watch plenty of sports, but don't make it the only thing that you do.