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  1. #1
    howdyhow is offline Newbie
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    Post "too compassionate" (275 words) -What defines you as you? (Please help edit/revise)

    Hi, I am bad in English and I would really appreciate any help, editing, and suggestions. Please make it more concise becuase I wrote over the word limit by 15 words.

    The topic is "What in your opinion defines you as you?" (1500 characters maximum including space and punctuations)

    Also, it does not have to be in an essay structure/format

    Here is what I wrote:




    In 1998, at the age of four, a girl woke up to the sounds of a construction site. Excited, she ran down the flights of stairs to observe the hardworking construction workers. The girl noticed the worker’s weariness. So alone, she repeatedly climbed up and down ten flights of stairs, and brought down as many stools as possible from home so the workers could sit and rest. Of course, when the girl carried the muddy chairs back home, her grandmother scolded her harshly for her stupidity.


    On a summer day of 2008, the thirteen-year-old girl was walking elegantly in her pearl white chiffon. She was excited since it was her first time attending a wedding. While making every effort to maintain a clean dress since the wedding was about to begin, she saw a limping pigeon. Its right wing and foot were so tightly coiled with string that that the bird had become deformed and had terrible wounds. Without hesitation, she kneeled on the grass and began treating the bird’s injuries. Having been lectured countless times in the past, she was scolded once again by her grandmother.


    Today, the girl knows she is scolded not because she is stupid, but “too compassionate”, as that is what her grandmother told her. Although outcomes are unfavourable at times, the girl is happy and believes that compassion is a quality one sufficiently need in order to be a successful learner. Knowledge would be useless unless it is learned and used to help others. That compassionate girl is me, and my compassion brings me the passion to contribute to the world through helping others with the knowledge I gain.

  2. #2
    tedtmc is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: "too compassionate" (275 words) -What defines you as you? (Please help edit/revis

    In 1998, at the age of four, a girl woke up to the sounds of from a construction site. Excited, she ran down the flights of stairs to observe the hardworking construction workers. The girl noticed the workers' weariness. So alone, she repeatedly (how many times did she climb? 'Up and down' is not repeatedly)climbed up and down ten flights of stairs, and brought down as many stools as possible from home so the workers could sit and rest. Of course, when the girl carried the muddy chairs back home, her grandmother scolded her harshly for her stupidity.


    On a summer day of 2008, the thirteen-year-old girl was walking elegantly in her pearl white chiffon dress(chiffon is a fabric). She was excited since it was her first time attending a wedding. While making every effort to maintain a clean dress since the wedding was about to begin, she saw a limping pigeon. Its right wing and foot were so tightly coiled with string that that the bird had become deformed and had terrible wounds. Without hesitation, she kneeled on the grass and began treating the bird’s injuries. Having been lectured countless times in the past, she was scolded once again by her grandmother.


    Today, the girl knows she is scolded not because she is stupid, but for being “too compassionate”, as that is what her grandmother told her. Although outcomes are unfavourable at times, the girl is happy and believes that compassion is a quality one sufficiently needs in order to be a successful learner. Knowledge would be useless unless it is learned and used to help others. That compassionate girl is me, and my compassion brings(gives) me the passion to contribute to the world through helping others with the knowledge I gain.[/QUOTE]

    Nice essay, simple, pure and refreshing..
    You are being modest, I'd say your English is good.

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