Re: COULD CORRECT MY ESSAY
Hi, and welcome to Using English.
You need to break your paragraphs into sentences, and not link all these thoughts with commas.
End a sentence. Begin a new sentence. Note that the punctuation mark goes immediately after the last letter, without a space.
Try re-posting with individual sentences and someone will come back to take a look.
Also, I'm not sure what you mean by "some for financial cuases" (I know you mean "causes") -- You'll need to put that in other words.
Finally, don't end with "do you agree with me?" You're telling about why you are going -- the reader can't agree that you're telling the truth about yourself.
I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.