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  1. #1
    improver is offline Newbie
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    Default Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    Nowadays, we can see more and more teenagers who suffer from depression. Some may find that teenagers are not mature enough to handle and solve the problem resulting from depression. Teenagers, therefore, are not willing to face the serious problems. In this article, I would like to share something I would want to say to teenagers. For example, I would like to explain why the trend are more popular and how to solve it by a proper way.

    To begin with, teenagers need to prepare their essential examination such as HKAL or HKCEE in Hong Kong. They hold the belief that it is one of the ways to have success if they can get a outstanding result in the examination. They are able to enter to their be-loved university by the excellent result. Yes, I think that is true. However, some teenagers do not have rich parents to give support to them. Teenagers claimed that they cannot have a perfect education because they do not have enough money to take a tutorial course in tutorial school at all. It is why the teenagers always have depression in their lives. Along with taking a tutorial course to brush their examination result, I think that there are many alternatives if teenagers are willing to accept other methods to make improvement in their examination performance. For example, teenagers can just simply buy some exercise to improve their weakness in their exam-skills. I strongly think that it is a stepping stone for them to enhance their academic result. An exercise is not so expensive, the price of this exercise is so reasonable. Why teenagers always complain the depression? I really think that they can do these kinds of exercise for the sake of improving their examination performance.

    Furthermore, I can see many people always claimed that they do not have enough pocket money so they are not able to have a good lifestyle in their lives. Some people find that the heinous and hideous depression they have because of a bad lifestyle. Teenagers always have a resentment to lack money. Therefore, they do not have enough entertainment like go to bars, karaoke or disco at the same time, they said that they do not have enough sporty activities in their lives so they do not have a way to express their serious depression. However, I think this reason they make is groundless. There are different ways to express their depression. For example, teenagers can simply invite their friends to have a contest in football court in an estate, invite their friends to go to hiking or go running alone in the street. These kinds of activities do not need to pay huge money at all. I believe that teenagers can afford these expenses. Teenagers can express their depression by taking these activities with no cost. Lt is a pretty good way for them to have a positive lifestyle rather than having a negative thinking.

    Some parents worry that their children always play computer games and access the internet. Teenagers are so easy to access the unsuitable things such as drugs, pornography, violent games, and bullying on the internet. These unsuitable things are easy to lead teenagers to go astray. The consequence can be out of control. After that, if teenagers are spending too much time on the internet, they will be isolated. They, finally, will have a negative idea resulting in having depression. However, I think teenagers should be supervised by parents. If they can have a proper way to access the internet, teenagers can make friends with others and encourage socialization. Teenagers can share the things with positive way at the same time, they can have a good way to express their depression. Enough supervision is needed in teenagersí lives.

    Depression and pressure is the stumbling block for us to have success. We should have a good way to express depression and pressure. I hope everybody have a good school life to savor.
    Last edited by improver; 10-Feb-2012 at 06:13.

  2. #2
    februar's Avatar
    februar is offline Member
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    Default Re: Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    Nowadays, we can see more and more teenagers who suffer from depression. Some may find that teenagers are not mature enough to handle and solve the problems resulting from depression. Teenagers, therefore, are not willing to face the serious problems. In this article, I would like to share something I would want to say to teenagers. For example, I would like to explain why the trend is growing and how to solve it by a proper way.

    To begin with, teenagers need to prepare their essential examination such as HKAL or HKCEE in Hong Kong. They hold the belief that one of the ways to have success is to get an outstanding result in the examination. They are able to enter their so be-loved university only by an excellent result. Yes, I think that is true. However, some teenagers do not have rich parents to give support to them. Teenagers claimed that they cannot have a proper education because they do not have enough money to take a tutorial course in a respective school at all. That is why many teenagers always fell into depression in their lives. Besides the tutorial course to brush up an examination result, there are also many alternatives. Thus, if teenagers are willing to accept other methods they can for example just buy some exercises to improve their weakness in their exam-skills. I strongly think that it is a stepping stone for them to enhance their academic result. These exercises are not so expensive. On the contrary, the price of them is in fact quite reasonable. Why do teenagers always complain about depression? I really think that instead of complaining they should do these kinds of exercises in order to improve their examination performance.

    Furthermore, I can see many people who always claimed to have not enough pocket money so they were not able to have good living conditions in their lives. Some people find that the heinous and hideous depression results from these bad living conditions. Some Teenagers always feel resentment because of their lack of money. Therefore, they do not have enough entertainment like going to bars or enjoying karaoke and disco at the same time. They said they have never had enough sports facilities in their lives so that there is no way to express their resentment other than having serious depression. However, I think this reason they gave is groundless. In reality, there are different ways to get rid of depression. For example, teenagers could simply invite their friends to enter a contest in football on a field of a sports complex (contest in football court? - an estate?), or invite their friends to go hiking with them or go running alone in the street. For these kinds of activities they do not need to pay a huge sum of money at all. I believe that teenagers can afford these expenses. Teenagers can express their resentment by taking these activities with almost no cost. Lt? is a pretty good way for them to lead a positive lifestyle rather than continue with their negative thinking.

    Some parents worry that their children always play computer games and access the internet. Teenagers have so easy access to unsuitable things such as drugs, pornography, violent games, and bullying on the internet. Teenagers can easily be led astray by these unsuitable things. The consequence can be out of control. After that, if teenagers are spending too much time on the internet, they will be isolated. They, finally, will have negative thoughts resulting in depression. However, I think teenagers should be supervised by parents. If they can have a proper way to access the internet, teenagers can make friends with others and encourage socialization. Teenagers can share the things in a positive way at the same time, and this is a good way to stop their depression. Enough supervision is needed in teenagersí lives.

    Depression and pressure is the stumbling block for us to have success. We should have a good way to get free of depression and pressure. I hope everybody has a good school life to savor.

    februar, no teacher

  3. #3
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    Your third paragraph doesn't seem to have anything to do with the other two.

    Is this article something you actually intend to have published, or was it written as a course requirement?
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  4. #4
    improver is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    Quote Originally Posted by februar View Post
    Nowadays, we can see more and more teenagers who suffer from depression. Some may find that teenagers are not mature enough to handle and solve the problems resulting from depression. Teenagers, therefore, are not willing to face the serious problems. In this article, I would like to share something I would want to say to teenagers. For example, I would like to explain why the trend is growing and how to solve it by a proper way.

    To begin with, teenagers need to prepare their essential examination such as HKAL or HKCEE in Hong Kong. They hold the belief that one of the ways to have success is to get an outstanding result in the examination. They are able to enter their so be-loved university only by an excellent result. Yes, I think that is true. However, some teenagers do not have rich parents to give support to them. Teenagers claimed that they cannot have a proper education because they do not have enough money to take a tutorial course in a respective school at all. That is why many teenagers always fell into depression in their lives. Besides the tutorial course to brush up an examination result, there are also many alternatives. Thus, if teenagers are willing to accept other methods they can for example just buy some exercises to improve their weakness in their exam-skills. I strongly think that it is a stepping stone for them to enhance their academic result. These exercises are not so expensive. On the contrary, the price of them is in fact quite reasonable. Why do teenagers always complain about depression? I really think that instead of complaining they should do these kinds of exercises in order to improve their examination performance.

    Furthermore, I can see many people who always claimed to have not enough pocket money so they were not able to have good living conditions in their lives. Some people find that the heinous and hideous depression results from these bad living conditions. Some Teenagers always feel resentment because of their lack of money. Therefore, they do not have enough entertainment like going to bars or enjoying karaoke and disco at the same time. They said they have never had enough sports facilities in their lives so that there is no way to express their resentment other than having serious depression. However, I think this reason they gave is groundless. In reality, there are different ways to get rid of depression. For example, teenagers could simply invite their friends to enter a contest in football on a field of a sports complex (contest in football court? - an estate?), or invite their friends to go hiking with them or go running alone in the street. For these kinds of activities they do not need to pay a huge sum of money at all. I believe that teenagers can afford these expenses. Teenagers can express their resentment by taking these activities with almost no cost. Lt? is a pretty good way for them to lead a positive lifestyle rather than continue with their negative thinking.

    Some parents worry that their children always play computer games and access the internet. Teenagers have so easy access to unsuitable things such as drugs, pornography, violent games, and bullying on the internet. Teenagers can easily be led astray by these unsuitable things. The consequence can be out of control. After that, if teenagers are spending too much time on the internet, they will be isolated. They, finally, will have negative thoughts resulting in depression. However, I think teenagers should be supervised by parents. If they can have a proper way to access the internet, teenagers can make friends with others and encourage socialization. Teenagers can share the things in a positive way at the same time, and this is a good way to stop their depression. Enough supervision is needed in teenagersí lives.

    Depression and pressure is the stumbling block for us to have success. We should have a good way to get free of depression and pressure. I hope everybody has a good school life to savor.

    februar, no teacher
    Thank you.
    Sigh.
    There are many mistakes on my essay.

  5. #5
    improver is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    Your third paragraph doesn't seem to have anything to do with the other two.

    Is this article something you actually intend to have published, or was it written as a course requirement?
    This article is a writing practice in my school.
    Is this article got something wrong?
    Actually, i really want to improve my english.
    Sigh.

  6. #6
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    Well, don't give up. Your writing in English is far better than my writing in any other language.

    I asked because from a factual basis, there are some problems. But if it is just a writing assignment and not a "technical article" don't worry about it.

    From an essay point of view, however, the unrelated nature of your third paragraph compared to your other two is a problem.

    Consider starting your essay with a better summary. For example, yours might be something like "Money problems seem to be the basis for a lot of anxiety and depression in teen, but there are solutions to many of their challenges that don't require a lot of money to address."
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  7. #7
    Mr.Ayed is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    If I were to write the title, I would say

    "Would you mind helping me..."

  8. #8
    improver is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    Quote Originally Posted by Barb_D View Post
    Well, don't give up. Your writing in English is far better than my writing in any other language.

    I asked because from a factual basis, there are some problems. But if it is just a writing assignment and not a "technical article" don't worry about it.

    From an essay point of view, however, the unrelated nature of your third paragraph compared to your other two is a problem.

    Consider starting your essay with a better summary. For example, yours might be something like "Money problems seem to be the basis for a lot of anxiety and depression in teen, but there are solutions to many of their challenges that don't require a lot of money to address."
    It seems to have some problems on my essay.
    The third paragraph is different main idea to the first and the second paragraph.
    Thank you for your correction:)
    Indeed, my main language is Chinese so I do not have much chance to speak in English.
    Actually, I know that my English is not fluent at all.

  9. #9
    improver is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr.Ayed View Post
    If I were to write the title, I would say

    "Would you mind helping me..."
    In formal English, sould we said that would you mind doing something rather than would you mind to do something, right?

  10. #10
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Default Re: Would you mind help me to proofread this article? Thanks

    It's not a matter of formality. The first is correct and the second is not.

    Regarding your logic, I'm afraid you can't blame it on your English. You have to be able to think clearly to express your thoughts in any language. If you'd written your essay in Chinese, would the third paragraph have fit any better? :)
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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