I have made some corrections to your whole post, not just to your essay. The content of your short essay is OK but you could rearrange the paragraphs a little.
Don't use things like "By the way" and "LOL" in essays. They should contain full English words and sentences.
You need to look at your punctuation and make sure that you put a full stop at the end of sentences. I don't know about the punctuation rules in your native language but I think you probably have a full stop at the end of each sentence and a capital letter at the beginning of each new sentence.
Please look at the amendments I made and ask further questions if you need to.
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