Results 1 to 3 of 3
  1. #1
    tengleha01 is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    3
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default College transfer essay revising

    Hey if anyone wants to look this over and check my grammar or give me any opinions that would be great, thanks in advance.


    Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.


    After graduating high school, I was excited to attend Lyndon State College. From an outsiderís point of view, the school looked like my perfect fit. My goals going forward included excelling in my classes, finding a major and career path, as well as meeting new people from different backgrounds. During that first semester, however, I realized that Lyndon State College was not right for me. Since I entered the year undeclared, I was given little advice on what classes to take. This caused me to take classes that I had little interest in, and as a result, I didnít perform up to my desired standards. Aside from academics, Lyndon State had a small, closed in atmosphere, as it was isolated in a small town in northern Vermont. I thought that I would enjoy the proximity to the mountains. However, this ended up not being the case, as every day I felt more and more enclosed by my campus.

    I am not afraid of change, and believe that if you find yourself in a bad situation; it is your responsibility to fix it. Following this philosophy, I transferred to my local community college for the spring semester of 2011, and took it upon myself to succeed in this new environment. I started taking new classes and achieved a 3.0 GPA. A macroeconomics class that I took during the summer, a subject that I have always found intriguing, motivated me to register into the Business Administration Transfer program for the fall semester of 2011. An increase in confidence as well as classes lead me to set a goal to make deans list, which I proudly accomplished and proved to myself that hard work pays off. My time at North Shore Community College has been worthwhile, as it has allowed me to take a step back and evaluate myself as a student and a person. Because of this experience, I have been able to stimulate myself intellectually and find new interests in business classes that I hope to pursue at a higher level.

    Umass Amherst interests me because of its positive reputation and values. I hope to transfer into the Isenberg School of Management, where I will be able to study subjects that are interesting and relevant to me, and where I know that I will be able to succeed. At Umass Amherst, I would love to study-abroad, and hopefully work a summer internship to gain experience in the business world that I can bring back to the classroom. Obviously, I hope to maintain high grades, and meet new people from diverse backgrounds. However, what I hope most to gain from my time at Umass Amherst is the sense of pride and spirit that accompanies being a graduate. There is not once specific element that really attracts me to Umass Amherst; it is the combination of collective academics, people, and school atmosphere that entices me, and I hope to be a Minuteman in the coming semester.

  2. #2
    tengleha01 is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    3
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: College transfer essay revising

    C'mon theres like 200 hundred views lets hear an opinion.

  3. #3
    susiedq is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    268
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: College transfer essay revising

    Quote Originally Posted by tengleha01 View Post
    C'mon theres like 200 hundred views lets hear an opinion.


    Delete the entire first paragraph and it sounds fine.

    (No one is ever impressed by someone complaining)

Similar Threads

  1. College essay revising
    By tengleha01 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 20-Feb-2012, 20:55
  2. [Essay] Can i get help revising and editing my college essay?
    By edsol19 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 07-Jan-2011, 20:17
  3. Transfer Essay, I need your help
    By cocosua88 in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 31-Oct-2010, 19:53
  4. [Essay] UNDERGRADUATE TRANSFER ADMISSION ESSAY
    By uniqued in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 21-Apr-2010, 16:00

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •