would you mind helping me correct this toefl essey

[jiangyueming]

Hi, this is my first time to be here, I don't know if you guys can help me correct my essay? If not, just ignore it.
Thank you.


Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: young people have no influence on important decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole.

Young people are being more and more mature than last generation. They are playing a vital role in the society, and it is impossible to ignore their influences to the society. Thus, as far as I am concerned, young people have great influences on important decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole.

In china, online shopping market has been dramatically increased in recently years, mainly due to the 80s, which was born after 1980. They are crazy to buy varied goods online, since it is convenient and delivery is so fast that you can receive your goods in tree days. what's more, logistic also developes rapidly. And most of experts suggested that logistic is a vast potential market, because the speed of online purchasing is much faster than logistic. So these young people are changing the whole online market, creating millions of job and promoting Chinese online market. Although they may not determine the future of society directly, they do indirectly.

For some young people, they also have great impacts on the different field directly. Steve jobs, invented apple computer at the age of 22, which had brought a great innovation to the computer market; Bill gates, created the XP operation system, which had changed the computer market totally. Four year ago, Americans were suffering the economy depression. People blamed government for not superintend the wall street. And they want to make a change, so they choose a young president, obama, to live up to people's expectations. Until a month ago, obama has increased millions of job and unemployment rate is under 10%.

All in all, young people are our society's treasure, they make a great contribution to the society, which is inevitable to neglect. So I consider young people have great influences on important decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole.

 

[februar]

Hi, this is my first time to be here, I don't know if you guys can help me correct my essay? If not, just ignore it.
Thank you.


Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: young people have no influence on important decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole.

Young people are becoming mature earlier and earlier than previous generation. They play a vital role in the society, and it is impossible to ignore their influences on the society. In my experience, young people have great influence on important decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole.

In China, online shopping market has increased dramatically in recent years, mainly due to the 80s, which was born after 1980 (This part of the sentence isn’t clear). They are keen on buying varied goods online, since it is convenient and delivery is so fast that you can receive your goods within three days. What's more, logistic has also developed rapidly. And most of experts suggested that logistic is a vast potential market, because the speed of online purchasing is much faster than logistic. So these young people are changing the whole online market, creating millions of jobs and promoting the Chinese online market. Although they may not determine the future of society directly, they do indirectly.

Some young people, however, also have great impacts on the different fields directly. Steve Jobs invented the apple computer at the age of 22, which brought a great innovation to the computer market; Bill Gates created the XP operation system, which changed the computer market totally. Four year ago, Americans were suffering an economic depression. People blamed government for not having superintended the Wall Street. And they want to make a change, so they chose a young president, Obama, to live up to people's expectations. Until a month ago, Obama has increased millions of jobs and unemployment rate is under 10%.

All in all, young people are our society's treasure, they make a great contribution to the society, and in no case should they be neglected. So I consider that young people have great influences on important decisions that determine the future of the society as a whole.

 

[jiangyueming]

Thank you!!!!

 

[M.Andrew]

Your ideas are excellent! Your content and structure deserve a 5/5, but sadly, you would likely receive a 3/5 on the TOEFL exam for this kind of essay, according to the ETS rubrics, because of "inconsistent facility in word choice that results in lack of clarity and occasionally obscures meaning." (ETS Guide p.209) Here are some examples of this:

mainly due to the 80s, which was born after 1980 (I think you are trying to define the 80's here, but the phrase "the 80's" doesn't need explained.)

They are crazy to buy varied goods online (You are crazy to do something means you have made a foolish choice in doing it!)

People blamed government for not superintend the wall street (unclear)

which is inevitable to neglect (this means you must eventually neglect it!)

I hope this helps you. Best wishes on your TOEFL exam!

 

[jiangyueming]

Thanks. But how to correct this sentence "People blamed government for not superintend the wall street"?
What I want to express is that the government didn't superintend the wall street.

Your ideas are excellent! Your content and structure deserve a 5/5, but sadly, you would likely receive a 3/5 on the TOEFL exam for this kind of essay, according to the ETS rubrics, because of "inconsistent facility in word choice that results in lack of clarity and occasionally obscures meaning." (ETS Guide p.209) Here are some examples of this:

mainly due to the 80s, which was born after 1980 (I think you are trying to define the 80's here, but the phrase "the 80's" doesn't need explained.)

They are crazy to buy varied goods online (You are crazy to do something means you have made a foolish choice in doing it!)

People blamed government for not superintend the wall street (unclear)

which is inevitable to neglect (this means you must eventually neglect it!)

I hope this helps you. Best wishes on your TOEFL exam!