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  1. #1
    chowbarry is offline Junior Member
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    Please help me improve the following sentences?

    Please help me improve the following sentences?

    My name is Felix Wong, I am 24 years old. I have already graduated from City University of Taiwan with a Bachelor of Science in Physics. During my university era, I acquire lots of practical knowledge of physics and mechanical engineering, which I think, are perfectly related to the job of being a fireman. Also, I like taking part in numerous team oriented sports such as soccer, volleyball, basketball and my physical test score convincingly reflect how strong I am. In fact, I am an outgoing, versatile and passionate people and I think I have great potential to become a capable fireman and a good leader.

    Thank you very much!


  2. #2
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    Calis is offline Member
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    Re: Please help me improve the following sentences?

    Quote Originally Posted by chowbarry View Post
    Please help me improve the following sentences?

    My name is Felix Wong, I am 24 years old. I have already The "already" is unnecessary. graduated from City University of Taiwan with a Bachelor of Science in Physics. During my university era A native would say "During my time at university", I acquired Your time at university is a past event, therefore your verbs must be in the past tense when referring to that time. lots of practical knowledge of physics and mechanical engineering, which I think, are perfectly related to the job of being a fireman. Also, I like taking part in numerous team oriented sports such as soccer, volleyball, basketball and my physical test score convincingly reflects Your physical test score is not the speaker nor the addressee but a singular third thing, therefore you have to conjugate the verb as such, with just an -s in this case. how strong I am. In fact, I am an outgoing, versatile and passionate people person There is only one of you. and I think I have great potential to become a capable fireman and a good leader.

    Thank you very much!

    Despite the (minor) mistakes, your English is quite good.

    [Not a teacher]

  3. #3
    chowbarry is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Please help me improve the following sentences?

    Calis, thank you for your assistance!

  4. #4
    TheParser is online now VIP Member
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    Re: Please help me improve the following sentences?

    Quote Originally Posted by chowbarry View Post

    My name is Felix Wong, I am 24 years old.
    ***** NOT A TEACHER *****


    I think that some teachers would be a bit upset with your first sentence, for you have a comma fault that

    upsets strict teachers.

    They would suggest:

    My name is Felix Wong. I am 24 years old.

    Actually, you might consider:

    I am Felix Wong, age 24. (In American English, we would not say "aged," but I have seen that in British

    writing.)

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