[Essay] suggestions or revisions on my essay for volunteering?

[honorsenglish9]

I am applying to volunteer at a zoo in my local town. The application requires the applicant to write two 2-3 paragraph essays. One of the essay questions is "Why do you want to volunteer at the Zoo?" and that is the one I chose to write first. My three reasons for wanting to volunteer are personal satisfaction, employment opportunities, and further developing skills needed for the career I would like to pursue in my future (medical field). Please leave any suggestions or revisions that you have! I have to submit my application on Wednesday so I am kind of crunched for time. (Also please note that I tried to indent my paragraphs but it would not let me!)
Thanks again,
Sammi B

Why do you want to volunteer at the Zoo?

I would not be being honest with myself if I said that volunteering is not extremely rewarding. In some cases I can find myself leading or involved with projects that I would not normally ever get the opportunity to do. On completion, I get and immense feeling of satisfaction, usually from producing or contributing to something that a lot of people have got a benefit from. For example, knowing that I helped get a lot of people to come to an event in which they learnt about the latest techniques, makes me feel that in a small way I have pushed my local community forward.
In the future i would like to pursue a career in the medical field. In my opinion, to be a great doctor you have to have good communication skills, the ability to work with others, be confident, empathetic, humane, and forthright. I believe that volunteering at the zoo will strengthen and improve all of these qualities. A doctor that is empathetic and human tries to understand the feelings thoughts, and attitudes of another and he or she is caring compassionate and kind towards the other person. To be successful in the medical field you also have to have good communication skills and I believe that to have good communication skills you have to posses the traits that I mentioned above. Conclusively I believe that that volunteering at the zoo will help me further improve those traits so that I can be successful in my career.
Volunteering will also add to my skill set and employers will recognize the efforts that I have made to volunteer. Many employers know that offering your services without pay requires a special kind of person (someone who is willing to learn) and might even give an individual who volunteers a job over someone who does not. Most people who offer their time are conscientious, honest, hardworking individuals . Employers are aware of this and welcome prospective employees who have these kinds of activities on their resume. When a person devotes time and energy to causes or issues that they feel strongly about, it reflects a commitment to more than day-to-day activities and selfish ambitions. It shows character, and ultimately that is what I am trying to develop.

 

[Gretchenplay]

Hello honorsenglish9.


I think you need to think about why you are volunteering to work at a zoo. Do you like animals? Because you haven't mentioned them once. Are you wanting to learn about running a zoo? Because you haven't mentioned that either. Perhaps it is true that future employers will choose you over another because of your altruism, but do you think a volunteer organization will choose you because you know that? I think this could use a bit of work.

Good luck.



I would not be being honest with myself if I said that volunteering is not extremely rewarding. In some cases I [STRIKE]can[/STRIKE] find myself leading or involved with projects that I would not normally [STRIKE]ever[/STRIKE] get the opportunity to do. On completion, I get an[STRIKE]d[/STRIKE] immense feeling of satisfaction, usually from producing or contributing to something that a lot of people have [STRIKE]got a[/STRIKE] benefited from. For example, knowing that I helped get a lot of people to come to an event in which they learnt about the latest techniques (in what?), [STRIKE]makes[/STRIKE] made me feel that in a small way I [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE] had pushed my local community forward.

In the future i would like to pursue a career in the medical field. In my opinion, to be a great doctor you have to have good communication skills, the ability to work with others, be confident, empathetic, humane, and forthright. I believe that volunteering at the zoo will strengthen and improve all of these qualities. A doctor that is empathetic and human tries to understand the feelings thoughts, and attitudes of another and he or she is caring compassionate and kind towards the other person. To be successful in the medical field you also have to have good communication skills and I believe that to have good communication skills you have to posses the traits that I mentioned above. [STRIKE]Conclusively[/STRIKE] I believe that that volunteering at the zoo will help me further improve [STRIKE]those[/STRIKE] these traits so that I can be successful in my career. (I'm not convinced! I understand that caring for people is much like caring for animals, but you haven't mentioned animals once! You need to tie these ideas together. Something like 'Animals are like humans, they respond well to compassion and kindness... etc.')

[STRIKE]Volunteering will also add to my skill set and employers will recognize the efforts that I have made to volunteer. Many employers know that offering your services without pay requires a special kind of person (someone who is willing to learn) and might even give an individual who volunteers a job over someone who does not. Most people who offer their time are conscientious, honest, hardworking individuals . Employers are aware of this and welcome prospective employees who have these kinds of activities on their resume. When a person devotes time and energy to causes or issues that they feel strongly about, it reflects a commitment to more than day-to-day activities and selfish ambitions. It shows character, and ultimately that is what I am trying to develop.[/STRIKE]
I expect that the people at the zoo know all of this. I don't see how it strengthens your application.