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  1. #1
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    Question Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    This is a part of my statement of purpose.
    I appreciate it if you could make it better and more native.
    Thx!

    ---
    Previous Paragraphs are omitted.
    ---

    Research brings me the measureless joy and pride. Thus, I want to continue my research in a higher level, aspiring to become somebody in the area of polymer materials. A Ph.D is the essential and crucial conjunction between my past achievements and my future progress and an opportunity to make an impact and leave a treasure behind for my country and the academia. I hope to take this important step at The Ohio State University.

    I have a couple of reasons for choosing OSU. First, Chemical Engineering at OSU has a long history for more than 100 years, which provides a profound foundation in advanced research. Second, polymer research to which I am devoted has been a focused effort at Ohio State for more than three decades. Ohio State University Polymer Consortium (OSUPC), an important part of the Center of Materials Research (CMR), as well as CAPCE can lead my research to a further level. In OSU, I can find a magnificent polymer world to which I am aspired. Last but not least, the research areas of polymer science in OSU, especially in polymer biomaterials, polymer based membrane separations, and synthesis of novel materials, are quiet interesting to me. Thus, I hope to work closely with Prof. L. James Lee, Prof. Stuart Cooper, Prof. Winston Ho and Prof. James Rathman who conduct the most attractive researches to me.

    I know that there are full of challenges and opportunities on the way to my dream, but all these will fuel my passion and prick me on exploring the unknown in polymer science and chemical engineering.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    Research brings me the measureless joy and pride.- This sounds too emotional to me, I'd say something like 'I derive great satisfaction and pride from research'
    continue my research in a higher level- at a higher level
    aspiring to become somebody- too colloquial- to become involved...
    leave a treasure behind for my country- too strong- build a heritage for my country
    I have a couple of reasons- number of reasons
    has a long history for more than 100 years- has a history stretching back over a hundred years
    magnificent polymer world to which I am aspired- cutting-edge work in the filed of polymers
    most attractive researches- research
    prick me on exploring- urge me on to explore

    I have suggested some alternatives. I would say that this text sounds over the top and too colloquial so I have suggested more formal possibilities.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    Thank you very much, tdol!


    You say "over the top".
    Do you mean my motivation is too strong or somewhat ivory-towered?
    Last edited by bandgxy; 20-Nov-2005 at 07:59.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    I think the way you express the motivation sounds a bit too much like spoken language and sounds over-enthusiastic. It's a matter of style- I understand you want them to know how enthusiastic you are, but the tone sounds excessive and makes it appear a bit informal.

    Good luck with your application.

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    Default Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    This is another institution into which I am going to apply for the admission.
    The following is the reasons why I chooce it.
    I am puzzeled how to organize the reasons by using conjuctions properly.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I have a number of reasons for my choice. Above all, UNC-Chapel Hill is an energetic community of students, scholars, researchers and scientists. (How to connect the previous sentence and the follow one) Chapel Hill is a new center of scientific research and industry. Moreover, Dept. of Chemistry in UNC-CH has a solid foundation and a long tradition of innovation in all the fields of chemistry. The new UNC Institue of Advanced Materials (IAM) and new building "Science Complex" provide graduate students a more exciting environment to conduct their research. Last but not least, at UNC-CH, I can find a cutting-edge work in the field of polymer materials to which I am aspired, especially in design and synthesis of novel materials and application of these materials. I hope to work closely with Prof. Joseph DeSimone, Prof. Edward Samulski and Prof. Valerie Sheares Ashby in the area of polymer materials. All these above make UNC-CH the most attractive place of research to me. (Use superlative degree or not?)
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Does it sound over-enthusiastic this time? How to avoid such expression? Does it depend on how I use the adjectives?

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    energetic community- lively?
    (How to connect the previous sentence and the follow one)- here you could use moreover/what is more/ in addition/ etc
    all the fields of chemistry- I wouldn't use the article
    new building "Science Complex"- do we need building? If so, put it bafter the name
    a cutting-edge work- no article
    I am aspired- I aspire
    (Use superlative degree or not?)- yes
    All these above- All these reasons/ all the above reasons
    It sounds better- the choice of adjectives is very important and this sounds keen and has the right tone for me.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    Thank your for helping me!
    Your great job make me feel so grateful.
    Even I would like to post the whole article onto the forum. But the total number of the words is about 1000. To revise it may be a heavy job.
    I have no idea whether post it or not.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    Break into a couple of parts- otherwise, the length will exceed the limits for a post.

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    Default Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    To pursue a Ph.D in University of Michigan, for me, was a part of my dream to become an outstanding chemistry researcher, which is a deep yearning from my heart. Now it is presented by this simple statement which is possibly common to you, yet has taken me more than seven years to write.

    Back to my study life in high school, my interest in chemistry originated from my chemistry teacher who was a graduate student. I always discussed with him about the contents of the lesson. Impressed by my passion in chemistry, he introduced me to his lab in the Department of Chemistry in East China Normal University, where I worked as a research assistant helping him with the study of the magnetic fluid applied to water-oil separation. With his encouragement, I studied most college chemistry courses by myself in order to improve my academic level. My hard working eventually paid off when I published my research results and won the first prize in Youth Science & Technology Innovation Competition. Due to my excellence in academic performance and creativity, I was enrolled in the Department of Chemical Engineering in XXX University without entrance examinations.

    My passion for chemistry makes all the courses an enjoyable experience and in turn what I learned in class deepened my understanding of chemistry and polymer science which is my major. Moreover, I have developed a strong academic ability. I’m good at catching the key point of the course and making the study interesting and vivid. I learn organic reactions by organizing and classifying the mechanisms and trying to explain the distracting of the electron instead of memorizing a large number of reactions mechanically. And I also learned the disciplines by further reading, especially reading foreign textbooks, such as “Physical Chemistry” by Atkins and “Principles of Polymer Chemistry” by Flory. I have done more than what my peers do in studying the coursework. These efforts are reflected in the excellent grades I received. I ranked No.1 out of all the students in the most of my professional courses and my GPA ranked 2nd in 33 students in my class.

    My excellent academic performance and strong aspiration for researching earned me an opportunity to join the Professor Xiaogong Wang’s group, who is the director of the Institute of Polymer Science and Engineering. There, I studied the synthesis and self-assembly of novel polymers and researched the surface relief gratings used as liquid crystal alignment layer. In the initial part of my research project, I had to start with the synthesis of the monomer and then polymerize these monomers into hyperbranched polymers by myself. The typical reaction time of this process is above ten hours, and constant attention to the reaction such as adding ice to maintain a low temperature is required. A final filtering process at the end that takes two or there hours does not make this any easier. At first, I felt somewhat bored and frustrated. Nevertheless, after I carefully examine the schedule, I found that it really is an art about how to organize all those procedures. I listed the weekly research tasks, estimated the time I would use, and arranged the time properly. I no longer feel bored about the time-consuming research task and it gradually becomes an indispensable part of my study life. However, the research task itself was also not successful at the beginning. After I synthesized the monomer, I found that the H1-NMR spectrum of the synthetic monomer was not exactly correct. It showed an incomplete reaction of functional groups. I spent a whole week in looking up materials and doing experiments both in the library and the laboratory. Finally, I attempted to change the conditional of the reaction, using a weaker acid instead of the original acid, and it solved the problem. When I got the correct spectrum, the previous frustration, anxiety and strain disappeared thoroughly. From then on, every time I meet the frustration, I can always face it imperturbably, and try to solve it teeth and nail. The research work not only brings me a great deal of experience and the research ability, but more importantly, strengthened my forever loyalty and passion for chemistry and polymer science.

    I derive great satisfaction and pride from my research. Thus, I want to continue my research at a higher level, aspiring to become involved in the area of polymer science. A Ph.D is the essential and crucial conjunction between my past achievements and my future progress and an opportunity to make an impact and build a heritage for the academia. I hope to take this important step at Michigan.

    I have a couple of reasons for my choice. Above all, Michigan is an energetic community of students, scholars, researchers, scientists and artists. With the broad way of communication and close relationship between students and professors, I can develop life long friendship with the highly intelligent research mates and outstanding professors while contributing and enhancing the close-knit environment of Michigan. Moreover, Dept. of Chemistry in Michigan has a long tradition of innovation. Especially in Organic Chemistry, many great achievements which are the milestones in the history of Chemistry have been achieved in Michigan. Last but not least, the Macromolecular Research Institute founded by Charles Overberger gives strong support to the research of polymer science and organic chemistry, which leads Michigan to the most attractive place of research for me. I hope to work closely with Prof. Zhan Chen on Biomaterials and Polymer Surfaces, and as well as other Professors in the Surface Chemistry Research Group. The research areas on which Prof. Theodore Goodson and Prof. Rasmussen focus also interest me.

    I know that there are full of challenges and opportunities on the way to my dream, but all these will fuel my passion and urge me on to explore the unknown domain in chemistry.
    Last edited by bandgxy; 02-Dec-2005 at 13:03.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Can you help me with my statement of purpose?

    part of my dream- ambition? sounds more grounded to me
    which is a deep yearning from my heart- a bit OTT for my taste
    Back to my study life in high school, my interest in chemistry- My interest i chemistry started in high school...
    discussed with him about the contents of the lesson- discussed the contents of the lesson with him
    to join the Professor Xiaogong Wang’s group- no 'the'
    makes all the courses - made
    Moreover, I have developed - past tense (course finished)
    in the most- in most
    for researching- research
    liquid crystal alignment layer- plural?
    carefully examine examined
    solve it teeth and nail- ??
    The research work not only brings-The research not only gave
    energetic community
    leads Michigan to the most attractive- makes Michigan the most attractive
    the unknown domain- unknown domains

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