[General] Too Rude for E-Mail?

[Krabby Krabs]

My manager has been telling me that the emails I write to clients and customers is aggressive, somewhat-disrespectful and would invite repercussions.


I had been going through sample business emails and e-mail phrase banks that are available on the internet but, none of which is able to show me how to write in a manner that is both concise and courteous at the same time.


Please allow me to show below an email I wrote to a customer to document an earlier conversation, and how my manager revised it:


Me:
Dear Mr Bernbach,


I am writing to confirm my understand of our conversation earlier today with regard to the... services requested by your customers at...


* Your management will not be providing the tools and equipment necessary to facilitate installation into your customer's premises.


* Your... department will advise your customer to facilitate the installation. There will not be further action taken if your customer does not wish to provide.


If this is not your understanding, please let me know by 21-March 2012.


Revision:
Dear Mr. Bernbach,


Further to our conversation earlier today, allow me to summarise some of the key points as follows:


The Management is of the view that for the provision of serices to... The Management will not provide the tools and equipment at the... Instead, the... deparment will advise your customer to...


Would appreciate if you could revert if the above is inaccurate by 21-March 2012


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It is clear that the revision is better. It flows more like a conversation and sounds humble.


How would you write it?

 

[billmcd]

My manager has been telling me that the emails I write to clients and customers is aggressive, somewhat-disrespectful and would invite repercussions.


I had been going through sample business emails and e-mail phrase banks that are available on the internet but, none of which is able to show me how to write in a manner that is both concise and courteous at the same time.


Please allow me to show below an email I wrote to a customer to document an earlier conversation, and how my manager revised it:


Me:
Dear Mr Bernbach,


I am writing to confirm my understand of our conversation earlier today with regard to the... services requested by your customers at...


* Your management will not be providing the tools and equipment necessary to facilitate installation into your customer's premises.


* Your... department will advise your customer to facilitate the installation. There will not be further action taken if your customer does not wish to provide.


If this is not your understanding, please let me know by 21-March 2012.


Revision:
Dear Mr. Bernbach,


Further to our conversation earlier today, allow me to summarise some of the key points as follows:


The Management is of the view that for the provision of serices to... The Management will not provide the tools and equipment at the... Instead, the... deparment will advise your customer to...


Would appreciate if you could revert if the above is inaccurate by 21-March 2012


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is clear that the revision is better. It flows more like a conversation and sounds humble.


How would you write it?

I see nothing wrong with your version if it summarizes the actual conversation/agreement.